Mom to 4 year old w/ Asperger's needs advice, please!

My 4-year-old son was just diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, but I wasn't surprised by the diagnosis a bit. I've had him in preschool for over a year now, and it's done wonders for him. He's happy, outgoing and has a lot of friends, and his teacher tells me that although he requires a lot of patience, he's the easiest child she's taught in 8 years because he has such a great dispostion.

The thing I need help with is understanding why he sometimes doesn't want to be looked at. He likes talking to people and eye contact doesn't really seem to bother him, but sometimes it really bugs him if he realizes someone is looking at him. If we are eating a meal at the table and I look over at him, he might tell me to stop. He asked a lady in the dr.'s waiting room to stop looking at him. The only time he gets really upset about it is when his grandfather who has Alzheimer's looks at him when he's not in the mood to be looked at, because his grandfather gets confused and will continue to stare at him. This gets him REALLY upset. I've asked my son why it bothers him, but he's not yet articulate enough to really explain it other than "it makes me feel mad".

I would really appreciate it if anyone could shed some light on this for me so I can help my son deal with this. Thanks!

Hi,

It's good that he is doing so well in other aspects of his life, but this issue of 'looking' needs to be sorted too. What you must not do is give-in to him and allow him to get what he wants. Currently, I get the feeling that you are letting him be the boss. This won't do much good for him later in life, as being looked at is going to happen a lot to him, whether he likes it or not. Saying what he said to that lady at the doctor's was simply wrong, and you must ensure that he knows this; and that he doesn't do it again. Saying such things to people will do little good for forming friendships in his life.

So, he cannot get what he wants on this issue. he will have to learn and accept that people will look at him. Do'nt let him get away with misbehaving just because he has Asperger's. That will taech him nothing good about the harshness of life in general.

TAke care,
Kevin

Thanks for your response. I hear what you are saying, getting looked at is just part of life, and something he is going to have to deal with. I have to say that at least he was polite to the lady at the doctor's and asked "will you please stop looking at me?" She had a child at the developmental pediatrician's too, so she was understanding and he actually ended up having a pleasant conversation with her.

I guess the reason I posed my question on this forum rather than on one for parents was so I could get the opinion of someone who actually has Asperger's and might have some personal experience and insight into what my son might find disturbing about being looked at sometimes. He does have some sensory processing issues (particularly visual), so maybe that plays into it. I've just been telling him that if someone stares at him and he doesn't like it, he can always walk away or just look away himself. It seems to be helping.

Well he's not old enough to explain it so you never know how difficult it is for him. I wouldn't try to force him to remain in a situation that is uncomfortable until you really understand what is going on. I have trouble with peripheral vision and with being able to tell if someone is really looking at me or not -- something with reading their eyes -- and I wonder about your son because why would a stranger be staring at him? And if she was, I would think she should know better. But anyhow.

For me, self-consciousness and embarrassment, and any kind of having someone's eyes on me are just really intense experiences. But many of my hypersensitivities faded when I got older, while the anxiety from being FORCED into tolerating things I was sensitive to did not. Word to the wise. Anyhow, I suspect he will learn not to be rude to people about this even if it does persist in bothering him!

It may also be possible to coax more of an explanation out of him if happen to ask the right specific question. He may be able to explain it in the right context, where communication issues have been bridged somehow.

Hi!

First i just saw the thing about your son doesnt liked to be looked at and thought that is pretty common, but then i saw the example at the food table and thought.....ohh that was exactly what i was doing at a period of my life. Only difference is i was around 12-14 and it was always at the food table when eating with my grandmother and granddad and my grandmother was the one i got annoyed about and told her to stop looking at me while eating. I think it was a period of maybe 2 years that it was going on, a little hard to remember exactly.

I theorize it beeing a pre effect of me developing social phobia due to my AS a while later. Something with her staring at me during eating triggered the effect and its funny because its only with her i can remember it beeing a problem and it was alot at that period in life. Then it suddenly stopped and i didnt care about wether she stared or not later on.

You shouldnt be to hard on him...of course he cant be openly rude to people not when they have like alzehiemers and cant help to fall in a stair, but just like the guy with alzehemier, your son cant probably help reacting like this in this period of life, he is diagnozed with AS and u probably gonna recognize alot of "special " things in the future he beeing so young still.
A lot of understanding and talking about it gently with him on a 4 year olds level is what i recommend.
I got a 5 year old myself so i understand that age of development.

take care and good luck

ilovewaffles wrote:I guess the reason I posed my question on this forum rather than on one for parents was so I could get the opinion of someone who actually has Asperger's and might have some personal experience and insight into what my son might find disturbing about being looked at sometimes.

Sorry, I will answer this part now, as I am almost certain that I have Asperger's and know too well what your son is feeling. In school, I always had the fear that people were looking at me. Considering my surname is a 'B', however, I was invariably place at the top of the class (alphabetical order). Whenever I could sit at the back, however, I would as that was the only place I could feel at ease (because there was a minimum amount of people who could look at me). While out walking in my town/city, I would have a fear of being stared at too (and everywhere else I went too).

If your son's problem overcomes him, it could migreate to agoraphobia eventually. That's what happened in my case, but I have fought back.

Kevin

Thanks for all of the input and for sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it. I am taking my son for an evaluation at a facility that provides sensory and speech therapy, so maybe they will have some insight and ideas, too. At Chistmastime his preschool class put on a little program in the chapel for the families, and he really got into his performance and loved being up on stage in front of everyone, and there there were a bunch of eyes on him then! It's just that there are these little moments where out of the blue if I or anyone else happens to look over at him, he just says, "stop looking at me". Hopefully as he becomes more articulate and can better put his thoughts into words, he'll be able to explain it to me.

Thank you again!

Hi, I just have a short comment to make in relation to what you just said: The fact that he was okay standing on stage but isn't then okay in other situations is actually familiar to me. I enjoy standing in front of a group of people to present something, but if you put me in other situations (such as a social context) I tend to feel nervous and want to get away.

Kevin

I have this same thing where I feel like people are looking at me. Very self-conscious too. I hate being in front of people. Maybe hate is too strong. It brings me a lot of discomfort.

I used to work on TV and it never bothered me. Being on stage doesn't bother me. I'm prepared and know what's going on. But random people just staring at me? Very stressful. I'm never sure why they're watching me. I start to worry that I've done something wrong, or maybe they're about to do something wrong. Whatever, it feels wrong. At the least, there seems to be an expectation of some type of response for me, but I have no clue what it is.