My Aspie bf seems obsessed with sex. Help!

bablp wrote:see the thing is, he doesnt really like getting close as in cuddling. He likes to deal with everything on his own. If he gets upset he wont speak to me, even if it has nothing to do with me. I have told him several times that he needs to stop bothering me about sex so much and all he tells me is that it feels so good. He will seriously bug me like 10 times a day until i finally just do it. He really doesnt like being touched other then sex though.

Aspergers does appear to have significant delays in in emotional maturity in some of us. It has been difficult for me to understand how my wife can't enjoy the same things I do, like sex at the drop of a hat. Not sure whether this is a Theory of Mind issue or something similar to lack of empathy type problem. I find it almost impossible to realise people don't have the same likes, dislikes, whats good or bad as I see. I can respond emotionally immature out of hurt and confusion by their behaviour.

Be patient and understanding if you love him. Don't stop explaining to him your wants and needs, aversion to sex every 5 minutes but within reason. Try not to get frustrated and lash out or be say something impulsive. You will only confuse and stress him out and all the progress you have made is gone.

It does appear cold and selfish how many have an aversion to cuddling/holding hands but are ready to perform for 'wham bam thankyou mam' sex. I do this at times but would never intentionally set out to hurt my wife's feelings or negect her wishes. I don't see the bigger picture outside my world of understanding is the best I can summarise this problem.

Sarcastica wrote:

bablp wrote:see the thing is, he doesnt really like getting close as in cuddling. He likes to deal with everything on his own. If he gets upset he wont speak to me, even if it has nothing to do with me. I have told him several times that he needs to stop bothering me about sex so much and all he tells me is that it feels so good. He will seriously bug me like 10 times a day until i finally just do it. He really doesnt like being touched other then sex though.

Aspergers does appear to have significant delays in in emotional maturity in some of us. It has been difficult for me to understand how my wife can't enjoy the same things I do, like sex at the drop of a hat. Not sure whether this is a Theory of Mind issue or something similar to lack of empathy type problem. I find it almost impossible to realise people don't have the same likes, dislikes, whats good or bad as I see. I can respond emotionally immature out of hurt and confusion by their behaviour.

Be patient and understanding if you love him. Don't stop explaining to him your wants and needs, aversion to sex every 5 minutes but within reason. Try not to get frustrated and lash out or be say something impulsive. You will only confuse and stress him out and all the progress you have made is gone.

It does appear cold and selfish how many have an aversion to cuddling/holding hands but are ready to perform for 'wham bam thankyou mam' sex. I do this at times but would never intentionally set out to hurt my wife's feelings or negect her wishes. I don't see the bigger picture outside my world of understanding is the best I can summarise this problem.

thank you so much for that response! You and Chucky definitely gave me some tools hat will be useful. I will try! thank you all.

Teach him how to masturbate (shrugs) that will cure the itch he allways wants you to scratch, I don't have a "girlfriend" (such a dirogitry word.. I prefurr *companion*) and i'm still getting along like a turtle on the move to no-were far. I don't have Aspergers.. but what I read about it I can kinda relate to and still personaly this just all looks a little selfish.

HI, i have only just found out im aspi at the age of nearly 40 (apparently thats common) only because our 3 yr old has been diagnosed with it. our worlds just been spun upside down but at least we (my wife and me) now understand why i do the things i do.
i too am obsessed with sex and until now thought, and sort of still do that it is just a hormone thing, but perhaps it is a aspi thing just at the other end of the scale? they keep telling me all aspis are diferent (in respect to there senses) is one may hate certain tastes and another love them, perhaps the same with sex as it is a sense of touch.
we always talked about it which was difficult as she thought i wasn't paying attention because i could never look her in the eyes and i "didn't get it" and showed no real emotion to her feelings but we survived (just) now with everyhting else shes stopped altogether and i am trying to deal with it. I'd love to "pull the aspi card" but i carn't bring myself to do it.
all i could put towards this forum would be try to both come to an understanding, we had sex nights planned, this helped me to know it was coming and not to annoy her about it which seemed to work.
good luck

wassup wrote:they keep telling me all aspis are diferent (in respect to there senses) is one may hate certain tastes and another love them, perhaps the same with sex as it is a sense of touch.

This is what I meant with my comment, but the replys suggested I was "ignornant."

If you like sex and are prepared to go along with it, great i guess. But i think your instincts are right. He doesn't love you, he can't.

jane100 wrote:If you like sex and are prepared to go along with it, great i guess. But i think your instincts are right. He doesn't love you, he can't.

to blindly state that he "cant" love me is rude.

bablp wrote:

jane100 wrote:If you like sex and are prepared to go along with it, great i guess. But i think your instincts are right. He doesn't love you, he can't.

to blindly state that he "cant" love me is rude.

I just wanted to chime in a little bit here...

I know from my own experience (although this is a female's perspective so it might be different.. I don't know), it's not that I "can't" love, I just don't know how to show it emotionally. Instead, I show it physically. I kiss, hug, I *do* things for my boyfriend (laundry, dishes, clean). I find it incredibly difficult to be there emotionally for my boyfriend (we've been together for almost a year and I have yet to cry in front of him). I don't know if this helps at all, but maybe the only way your boyfriend actually feels close to you is during sex. And if that's the case, it makes sense to me as to why he would be obsessed with it (unless of course it's just an excuse to get more).

45-Year-Old Male... Late diagnosis, ASD-1 (Asperger's) ... I JUST got my diagnosis this year.

FIRST - Autistic People DO NOT have the Social Skills that are REQUIRED to "EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATE" ANYbody, for ANYthing... including Sex.
- Anything that appears to be "manipulation", is almost certainly based on the Attachment Style he developed as an autistic child, combined with a lack of skills required to "Identify Personal Limits" and "Self-Advocate"... which means he naturally has a diminished Sense-Of-Self, and a lack of skills required to Communicate the NEEDS and BOUNDARIES associated with that "self".
- For those ASD Men who CAN enjoy sex (because they aren't overwhelmed by the sensory experience), they tend to have a High Libido / Sex Drive. Why? Because for most of our lives... we have basically GIVEN AWAY every other form/method of Attachment (Love Languages) through Fawning (people-pleasing because that's how we learned to "Survive"). So basically, Physical Touch is really the only form of Attachment reserved for INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS. Any other form of attachment is the same as what we do for everybody else... all day, every day.

Here are some considerations and advice based on my experience of trying to fit into a world that has a natural propensity to denigrate people like me.

If I had ONE Guess, I'd say it's due to an increase of STRESS, PRESSURE, and/or RESPONSIBILITIES in life. As the list of "Have-to-do" gets longer and the time for "want-to-do" dwindles... this has an effect on people with ASD to a much greater extent than those without.

- BRAIN LITERALLY WIRED DIFFERENT -
* The sensory input signals coming from our body and into our brains are LITERALLY wired differently. This means that we really DO have a Different Experience of the World than non-ASD people. For everybody else, the input signals are processed THROUGH the areas of the brain used for Social Intelligence... But ASD-1 causes fewer pathways coming into the brain, and the Social Processing connections are those which are by-passed the most... thus, all of the social difficulties.

- SOCIAL ANXIETY & EXHAUSTION -
* Because of that hardwired part of, Skip the Social Processing, this causes a serious detriment in Emotional Processing... because most of "being human", is "interacting with other humans". So, have you ever noticed how your energy is drained after doing something that required a great deal of focus??? ... For any given social situation, our brains have to work 3-4 times MORE because that "Social Interaction" that most people just naturally understand, it initially makes no sense to us. Of-course most ASD-1 people don't fit the stereotype of Young (or old) Sheldon (from Big Bang Theory)... But we still have to analyze All of those "Social Queues" AFTER they happen... AND In-the-moment, so that we can respond in a "timely manner" as to keep-up with the conversation.
* This is NOT a "cognitive" process... rather it's an automated process that improves over time as we learn more about how to interact in an "Acceptable" manner. Everything we do as Humans i based in Habits, even the organization of our thoughts.

- EXPRESSING EMOTIONS -
* The most important element here is... For all human beings, Feeling, Containing, Understanding, and Effective Sharing Emotions Are HARD!!! For people with ASD. THIS IS THE MOST DIFFICULT THING TO DO IN OUR LIVES... Because the sensory input signals follow a different path that does not include Social Processing (as much), this Makes the process of Interpreting Emotions, and subsequently EXPRESSING them, EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. And it takes MANY, MANY years to develop the "Habits" required to do this.
* For ASD People - EXPRESSING EMOTIONS WILL NEVER BE A NATURAL PROCESS!!! We can eventually learn enough that we can interact with close friends at a seemingly "normal" pace... But in our heads, our brains are constantly being overworked just to process facial expressions, tone of voice, body language... and mapping it on to the conversation and the environment.
* VERBALLY EXPRESSING EMOTIONS Is Often VERY Difficult. As mentioned by another member, I am also much more physically expressive. So... For ME... and maybe your boyfriend... Physical Acts of Affection ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT METHOD OF ATTACHMENT in my Romantic Relationship... Given, Shared, & RECEIVED.

- RECHARGING IS IMPORTANT!! - (special interest)
* An increase in any area of Life that is considered a "Chore, or Responsibility" will Require MORE MENTAL / EMOTIONAL Energy... meaning, somebody on the spectrum will be drained of motivation and will-power a LOT faster than other people. For ASD / Asperger's, we NEED to "Recharge". What is needed for recharging will vary from one person to another, just like it does for non-ASD people... HOWEVER, for somebody with ASD... that "Recharge" is going to NEED to be more fulfilling than something that would typically work for non-ASD people. For example, I know many Neurotypicals who recharge with "a nice hot cup of tea", or "going for a run"... etc. Typically, that $#%^ isn't effective for those of us who are keeping up with the world.
* A "RECHARGE" activity is something that Everybody "Needs"... We tend to call these "The Little Things" in life, but the truth is that these "little things" are the second most important element to our individual well-being, "Attachment to other people" is the MOST important. For ASD people, those "Little Things" aren't usually "little". They tend to be Time Consuming, &/or Intense in some way. FOR ALL HUMAN BEINGS... These are the things that truly influence happiness and make us feel like life is "worth living".
* Soooo... In order for ASD people to RECHARGE equally to their NT counterparts... Their recharge-activities must be suited to providing the appropriate level of recharge that THEY WILL NEED... "Motivation for being happy about Life!"

- DATING / MARRIAGE / SEX & ROMANCE -
* Is the MOST difficult relationship dynamic for most ASD individuals. This means that EVERYTHING related to interactions with the "Primary Attachment Figure" / Romantic Partner(s) is going to take 3-to-4 times as much energy, thought, preparation, and action, to manage at the "typical level". This includes everything from Small-Talk, to Planning a Date, to Having Sex... ESPECIALLY IN LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS.
* VERBALLY EXPRESSING EMOTIONS Is Often VERY Difficult. As mentioned by another member, I am much more physically expressive. Physical Acts of Affection are a Primary Attachment Method for Most Men, ASD or not. Unfortunately, Getting THOSE NEEDS met in our society requires at least some degree of skill in the Social Skills Department.

- A MALE SEX DRIVE / LIBIDO -
* Will typically remain Constant through MOST of their lives. Almost Regardless of what is going on in their life. I have had a VERY HIGH SEX DRIVE for My ENTIRE Life... While most ASD people tend to shy away from sex due to the over-stimulation, I don't have such severe or intense sensory issues. I DO have a physical sensory issue, but I'm not affected by light or sound which can significantly increase Over-Stimulation. My sensory issues are limited to Tags, Inseams, Stitching, Material... etc. From what I can tell by talking to other ASD men with the same degree of Light-Tactile Sensory Issues, this tends to increase the pleasure of Sex... but it also increases the impact of pain. It's possible your BF is similar.

- The "NICE GUY" EFFECT FOR ASD MEN -
Nearly all ASD men fall into two typical stereotypes...
* The Extrovert - Usually misdiagnosed with a personality disorder or ADHD because of the explosive outbursts of emotion.
* The Introvert - "The Nice Guy" - For us ASD men who are introverts, we don't explode outwardly... we cave in... for everybody else around us. We recognize our inability to communicate with most people... AND we recognize their disdain for our actions/words... even if we don't know "WHY" (usually, we don't). This is a response to a threat to the Attachment called FAWNING, where the ASD person tries desperately to help Everybody get THEIR NEEDS met FIRST... We learn to do this because it's rare that our needs are ever given more consideration than ANYBODY. This is partially due to a lack of Self-Advocacy... which is also another result of not getting needs met in early childhood because nobody understood us.

- DEPRESSION & ANXIETY DISORDERS -
* MOST People with ASD tend to have co-morbid disorders related to anxiety, and/or depression. This is caused by living in a world where most interactions result in a misunderstanding or a negative response, which can often illicit negative feelings to be expressed TOWARD the person with ASD.
* Add all of that together... You've got somebody who is trying to keep up with everybody else, which requires three times the amount of mental and emotional energy... So, life is probably FILLED with a Huge list of "HAVE-TO-DOs", most of which are probably being Assigned, or they might be Self-Assigned attempt at Fawning - NICE GUYS: This is the "Secret Contract" part. The direct cause of this "manipulation" is simply the result of HAVING NEEDS... but NOT having the Communication Skills required to get those needs met.
* ORGASM is the MOST EFFECTIVE Anti-Depressant known to human beings. Any ASD Male who is not overwhelmed by sensory input signals is likely to figure this out in puberty.

- MANAGING ASD LIFE -
* So... If you put all of that together... It seems like your boyfriend is probably functional "enough" to be expected to perform like a "Normal Male", and for a while, maybe he has been able to pull it off... at least in the areas of life that are a bit more forgiving for the lack of Emotional Intelligence.
* Clearly, your ASD boyfriend does not have Sensory Input Issues that would negatively impact sex... therefore, it's highly likely that the natural increase in activity (responsibility / chores / work) associated with "Progressing Through Life" has placed a level of stress on him that is requiring something as strong as ORGASM to help manage the amount of dysregulation / anxiety / depression he may be experiencing just from all the pressures of Day-To-Day life... let alone the complexities of managing a Romantic Relationship.

- CAN SEX BE A SPECIAL INTEREST -
* Of course it can!!! It's possible that SEX has become the most recent Special Interest... after all, at that point, it performs THREE functions. Makes Life Worth Living (recharge), Strengthens his Attachment to You (well... from his point of view anyway), AND it helps reduce the natural accumulation of Anxiety and Depression.


I hope all of this helps... Tends to be difficult to find all of this information, especially in the context of SEX. I would start with taking a look at how much he is trying to accomplish on a day-to-day basis. Simply having a Career, on its own, can be enough to for most ASD people to require 2 or 3 days of REST & Recharge (special interest). If your boyfriend is not getting enough downtime to properly recharge... Then it might be influencing the increased desire for sex.

Based on your post... I'd say the combination of things above is exactly where this is coming from. "Maintaining a Relationship" is VERY difficult, for ANYBODY, especially for an Aspie.