"People Talk!"

It seems so obvious, and yet it always surprises me.

I seem to have a built-in assumption that what I say with one person will remain with that person, and be separate from what I've told another person. Like I keep track in my head who I think knows what, and the impression I think someone has of me is based solely on my interactions with them.

Whenever it becomes obvious that they have been talking to each other when I wasn't there, particularly if they have been talking about me, I get a very 'cold' feeling, like the worlds I had thought were separate are colliding in an unpredictable manner.

I don't know how to tell what people think of me, so I try to interpret what they might think of me based on the 'logical' consequence of what I've said/done/etc. while around them. When they are getting information from another source that I have no control over I lose track of this 'state' and don't know how to pick it back up again.

I suppose the only solution to this is to behave absolutely consistently around everyone, so everyone shares the same impression, but I don't really see how that can work in practice either, surely the level of information you can share with someone should be based on your perceived level of intimacy.

Of course since I don't really know what impression people have of me at all, maybe I am just being excessively paranoid, an I am in reality much more consistent than I think I am, and it doesn't matter.

Actually now I think about it more it seems my 'Theory Of Mind' treats other people like a 'Hidden Markov Model', I can observe the output (words, actions but not body language), control my input (only so far as I am aware of my own appearance, so I don't know exactly what input my facial expressions and body language are contributing), but cannot detect their current state nor determine the state transition probabilities except through long periods of observation.

I know it's easier said than done, and I don't know how old you are or how much experience you have in dealing with people...

But i do know that my life got so much easier when i stopped trying to figure out, and stopped worrying about, what people thought of me. That only happened about a year ago, with a lot of conscious effort and help (therapy), and I'll be 41 this month.

i guess a good thing to remember is that it's impossible to control what other people do and think.

I had this problem too and I became angry whenever I discovered that people talked about my secrets casually although I stressed the importance of secrecy.
The only explanation I found for this was that people don't understand the motives for secrecy and if the secret is "juicy" enough, they have to tell it to somebody provided that somebody keeps their mouth shut. The process repeats and with every person it passes, the secret isn't a secret anymore just information.
Most of them, I assume,don't understand the notion of secrecy and believe that if you truly want something to be secret, you keep it to yourself.
I stopped trusting people with secrets a long time ago. The only people I tell secret things about me are people that can't come in contact with other people I know. The secret remains a secret because....that person has nobody to talk about me. Can't say that it is easy. Actually, keeping everything bottled in is very dangerous. It also alienates people. I have a theory that our subconscious knows which people trusts us and which don't. I can't really recommend doing this as you isolate yourself.
The only way is to keep the big secrets to yourself and talk about the other ones. If you tell somebody something, assume that their close friends will also know.
And don't change your behavior. If you insist to put on a mask, put it around everybody. You can let go of the mask around people you are close to but assume that your behavior will be known. Yet, continue like nothing happened.
Hey, normal people do it all the time

It doesn't matter how many times I experience or in theory 'know' the "people talk" thing, it just never becomes part of my mental outlook. Tell one person something and you've told the whole world.

I tend to be very honest about myself as a rule,don't really think I have anything to be ashamed of.

Of course not everybody agrees with me but people will either accept you for who you are or they won't.

People will talk about you no matter what you do,If they can't find something wrong they will

make things up about you so it really doesn't matter, talk is cheap,the only thing more worthless

are the talkers themselves.

It's a very good observation.

My solution: I have very few close friends I can ask specifically to keep things to themselves, and they do that. They know that betrayl of that trust will result in a termination of that friendship. It might be why I have very few friends, but we're pretty close.

To anyone else, well I don't tell them anything private - and that includes much of my family. I'm on automatic pilot most of the time, and have learnt many useful brusque phrases with the subtext "I'm not interested in talking to you."

The main subject of this topic is a major concern for me, I continuously worry about what people say and think about me, even though I cannot do anything to change it.

I also get a cold feeling when one person knows something that I haven't told them in person, but what I have only told a completely different one.

Strange.

I have Aspergers and I have always been loyal and kept my mouth shut about my friends' secrets. But, my Mum's a social worker and she found out this 'rule of thumb' that freaked me out a bit. Apparently, neurotypicals almost always repeat what they hear to another person because they don't like to keep it on themselves, like as good old Aspies do for their sakes. You'd be surprised what they mention to other friends, but when they confess your secrets it might just randomly be to their hair dresser or something. Don't dwell, just be careful what you say