Empathy

I've read several times that persons wit AS have very little empathy, that they don't know what the rest of people feel. I don't think that's my problem nowadays. I think maybe it was in my childhood, but not now. I'm very good figuring out what other persons feel, but my problem is knowing the right way of answering to what other persons feel. I know what I feel or what I want to express. However, I frequently don't know how to express it in my body language. Sometimes I smile when I shouldn't smile and have a severe face when I should be smiling. In some occasions one has to smile just a few, and I smile too much. Sometimes one must look to other person's eyes, and I avoid it. And sometimes I stare when I mustn't.

I'm concern in the problems of people, specially the important ones, as poverty, wars or AIDS. I'd like to do many things to fix those problems, and, as a matter of fact, I'm doing something. I'd like to have more friends. I don't like to feel lonely. But I feel that most of people is boring. What they think is interesting and "cool" (fashionable music, like Britney Spears, reggaeton and hip-hop, dancing that music, drinking alcohol, going to discos and big parties, baseball, basketball, fashionable clothing, etc.) for me is very boring. I can't help feeling so. I would like they have interests more intelligent, more intelectual, less instinctive. Many times I feel that they are who are few empathetic, because most of people don't worry if there millions of children starving in Africa, India and Latin America, or, if they worry, they don't do anything to fight that problem. Then, tell me, who is less empathetic?

Sometimes I feel I am from another planet, that I belong to another species, maybe Homo sapiens aspergerii.

The way I look at it, most people with Asperger's don't lack empathy - they lack the same foundation of empathy as non-Aspies.

If I've got Asperger's-type empathic blueprints and I'm trying to use that to relate to a neurotypical's blueprint, it just isn't going to match up right.

Another way to look at it: our empathy is written in a different language. It makes perfect sense to us, and no one else (probably not even most other Aspies in many cases). So in order for us to figure out what input will produce a particular kind of emotional output in a "normal" person, we need to find the translation between our empathic language and theirs. (Empathy being essentially the act of putting yourself emotionally in someone else's situation and then predicting their response.)

I worked my way up to people, completely unaware of my Asperger's. Started out learning how dogs interacted, what their social cues were, etc. (And to be brutally honest I think dogs are socially superior to humans - they're far more civil to each other.)

I also read, quite literally, tons of books on as many topics as possible and devoured hours upon hours of movies. Then, calling upon those resources I could recite the dialogue that fit the situation and resulted in effects I found desireable. That didn't always work (and is counter-productive if people figure out that you're parroting), but it did help me start decoding the social blueprint of the neurotypical mind.

Throughout the years, I have wondered how any Aspie can understand empathy. I myself, discovered that I lacked empathy roughfully two years after I have been diagnosed with Aperger Syndrome.

However, about five years after the fact, I have developed a sense of empathy that not only rivals neural typicals but in some cases, is actually better. I have Asperger Syndrome, and even though I am not stating that I am a clone of every other Aspie, I do feel very confident that every Aspie can understand empathy.

Before I go on, I will state that I am not trying to feeling superior it anyone else, because I hate it when others are arrogant.

As Spektyr pointed out: Empathy is basically putting yourself in someones else's shoes. I think the problem is that we assume that are minds or so different, that it is impossible for us to empathize with other Neural typicals and thats not true.

Start with yourself. What are your happiest moments with other people? What are your pet peves when dealing with others? For instance, while in the grocery store, you happen upon an person with a handicap and you blurt out to your family or friend(s) or no one in particular that this person is strange, fat, ugly, etc.

Before, I would just be stating the facts, I mean why should I lie about something like that. But eventually, I started to think that the reason that I hated Asperger Syndrome before was because of the way other people treated me.

I can't very well be expected to believe that anyone would treat me with respect if I don't to understand how my actions affect other people. I wouldn't want someone to run up to me and yell "you have Asperger's and I hope you writhe in pain before you die"! I would feel lower than crap (by the way writhe means unbearable).

Another example would be the tiring cliche for the homeless, "don't ask me for money, get a job you bum" (I think everyone can relate to that one). Get a job, huh? Without empathy, one would assume that by only glancing at this person once, I could conclude that he/she has just given up, and just needs a swift kick in the rear.

However, the truth is that we DON'T know this person, because we don't know what he/she has gone through to get to this point. That's empathy.

Professionals say that Aspie's lack empathic, but in a way that's not true, because too many human beings lack it. Empathy is not a gift, it's something that you learn and develop.

There's a reason why kid's (all kids) say mean things, they lack the mental capacity to understand how their actions affect others. Does this mean that Aspie's have the emotional intellence of kids? Heck no, because neural typical teenagers and adults do it to, and guess what, so do Aspies.

I don't think that Aspie's are on a different wave length than neural typicals when it comes to empathy. I believe that Aspie's simply don't realize and appreciate the importance of empathy.
We're not alone, because many neural typicals have the same problem (whether they are selfish or ignorant).

Back to fixing empathy. When interacting with others, don't say or do anything to anyone that would make you feel uncomfortable. This is a very good foundation, it will work for a while until you say something that offends someone else and you don't know why.

Men and women do this all the time, in fact many cultural disputes occur because of this, Aspie's are not the only ones. This is where communication comes in, find out why this person was offended, ask him/her or even their peers, because if you just let it go, this shows that you don't care about their well being.

Eventually, you will find out why that person was offended, and hopefully you will learn from it and mend your relationship. Building emapthy is just like math, it's built on foundations.

Moving on to facial expressions, perhaps the apatheic look. I have gone through most of middle school and all of high school with my head down, eyes straight ahead and frown on my face. This was my normal look, I had no reason to change it until I notice how it effected other people. Everyone thought I was sad, felt sorrying for myself and I was too self concious.

The best remedy for this is to practice facial expressions in the mirror. Remember what happy looks like, what sad looks like and finally anger. Then find a face that doesn't make you standout. Ultimately, teach yourself how to look when you feel emotions starting with the face.

Asks your close relatives if your doing it right, because like it or not, communication is everything and Aspies don't want to communicate the wrong message to anyone else.

Once your good with you facial expressions, work on your the rest of your body. The goal is to not give yourself unneccesary attention. Watch how the average person walks, then incorporate into your walk.

Aspies can NOT become neural typicals, it will literally kill you. The keys is to accomodate (make adjustments) but not assimulate (become something that you are not). It's not worth selling your soul to the masses because your different.

If others don't like you because if it, thats their fault (I am not being arrogant), because if they can't accept someone who is different, than there is something wrong with them. The concept above is the same as racism, sexism, etc. It's all discrimination. However, there will be people with exceptance, never forget that.

Finally, social cues: the unwritten rules of society. I still have trouble with them, but there is a way to deal with it. First of all, Aspie's live in their own culture, certain things mean jack squat to us, while others are red lights. Doesn't this sound familiar though?
How the U.S. interacted with other cultures before they really knew one another. That's empathy again.

Anyway, when something occurs and you are the only one who seems oblivious to it, remember it, then ask someone you trust about it. For example, a D.A.R.E. officer always told my elementary school class to use the "cold shoulder". What the heck is that!? The answer, ask around, don't be afraid of a reaction of a neural typical. Think how an Asian person would have felt if they asked an Amercian what a hamburger was (before it was introduce into their culture).

If you can establish a pleasant relationship out of respect with neural typicals, they're not going to care that you have Asperger Syndrome, Tourette syndrome, Borderline personality disorder, whatever. The're not going to know you for the disorder, but the person who happens to have the disorder.

In conclusion, (I'm sorry if I wrote an essay), I believe that what really seperates neural typicals from aspies is our unofficial culture. Even though we are not a community per se, when share common characteristic as aspie's. The difference between us and other humans is that we can't assimulate, but we can accomodate (and that's a whole lot better anyway). If humans can teach sign language to primates, Aspies can definately learn to understand neural typicals.

We should observe them, but we can not forget that we are the same species. One a final note, if your interest are different because you only like things (or a certain thing) don't sweat it. Someone else is bound to like one of those thing, that person could be someone that you could learn to know and trust.

Throughout the years, I have wondered how any Aspie can understand empathy. I myself, discovered that I lacked empathy roughfully two years after I have been diagnosed with Aperger Syndrome.

However, about five years after the fact, I have developed a sense of empathy that not only rivals neural typicals but in some cases, is actually better. I have Asperger Syndrome, and even though I am not stating that I am a clone of every other Aspie, I do feel very confident that every Aspie can understand empathy.

Before I go on, I will state that I am not trying to feeling superior it anyone else, because I hate it when others are arrogant.

As Spektyr pointed out: Empathy is basically putting yourself in someones else's shoes. I think the problem is that we assume that are minds or so different, that it is impossible for us to empathize with other Neural typicals and thats not true.

Start with yourself. What are your happiest moments with other people? What are your pet peves when dealing with others? For instance, while in the grocery store, you happen upon an person with a handicap and you blurt out to your family or friend(s) or no one in particular that this person is strange, fat, ugly, etc.

Before, I would just be stating the facts, I mean why should I lie about something like that. But eventually, I started to think that the reason that I hated Asperger Syndrome before was because of the way other people treated me.

I can't very well be expected to believe that anyone would treat me with respect if I don't to understand how my actions affect other people. I wouldn't want someone to run up to me and yell "you have Asperger's and I hope you writhe in pain before you die"! I would feel lower than crap (by the way writhe means unbearable).

Another example would be the tiring cliche for the homeless, "don't ask me for money, get a job you bum" (I think everyone can relate to that one). Get a job, huh? Without empathy, one would assume that by only glancing at this person once, I could conclude that he/she has just given up, and just needs a swift kick in the rear.

However, the truth is that we DON'T know this person, because we don't know what he/she has gone through to get to this point. That's empathy.

Professionals say that Aspie's lack empathic, but in a way that's not true, because too many human beings lack it. Empathy is not a gift, it's something that you learn and develop.

There's a reason why kid's (all kids) say mean things, they lack the mental capacity to understand how their actions affect others. Does this mean that Aspie's have the emotional intellence of kids? Heck no, because neural typical teenagers and adults do it to, and guess what, so do Aspies.

I don't think that Aspie's are on a different wave length than neural typicals when it comes to empathy. I believe that Aspie's simply don't realize and appreciate the importance of empathy.
We're not alone, because many neural typicals have the same problem (whether they are selfish or ignorant).

Back to fixing empathy. When interacting with others, don't say or do anything to anyone that would make you feel uncomfortable. This is a very good foundation, it will work for a while until you say something that offends someone else and you don't know why.

Men and women do this all the time, in fact many cultural disputes occur because of this, Aspie's are not the only ones. This is where communication comes in, find out why this person was offended, ask him/her or even their peers, because if you just let it go, this shows that you don't care about their well being.

Eventually, you will find out why that person was offended, and hopefully you will learn from it and mend your relationship. Building emapthy is just like math, it's built on foundations.

Moving on to facial expressions, perhaps the apatheic look. I have gone through most of middle school and all of high school with my head down, eyes straight ahead and frown on my face. This was my normal look, I had no reason to change it until I notice how it effected other people. Everyone thought I was sad, felt sorrying for myself and I was too self concious.

The best remedy for this is to practice facial expressions in the mirror. Remember what happy looks like, what sad looks like and finally anger. Then find a face that doesn't make you standout. Ultimately, teach yourself how to look when you feel emotions starting with the face.

Asks your close relatives if your doing it right, because like it or not, communication is everything and Aspies don't want to communicate the wrong message to anyone else.

Once your good with you facial expressions, work on your the rest of your body. The goal is to not give yourself unneccesary attention. Watch how the average person walks, then incorporate into your walk.

Aspies can NOT become neural typicals, it will literally kill you. The keys is to accomodate (make adjustments) but not assimulate (become something that you are not). It's not worth selling your soul to the masses because your different.

If others don't like you because if it, thats their fault (I am not being arrogant), because if they can't accept someone who is different, than there is something wrong with them. The concept above is the same as racism, sexism, etc. It's all discrimination. However, there will be people with exceptance, never forget that.

Finally, social cues: the unwritten rules of society. I still have trouble with them, but there is a way to deal with it. First of all, Aspie's live in their own culture, certain things mean jack squat to us, while others are red lights. Doesn't this sound familiar though?
How the U.S. interacted with other cultures before they really knew one another. That's empathy again.

Anyway, when something occurs and you are the only one who seems oblivious to it, remember it, then ask someone you trust about it. For example, a D.A.R.E. officer always told my elementary school class to use the "cold shoulder". What the heck is that!? The answer, ask around, don't be afraid of a reaction of a neural typical. Think how an Asian person would have felt if they asked an Amercian what a hamburger was (before it was introduce into their culture).

If you can establish a pleasant relationship out of respect with neural typicals, they're not going to care that you have Asperger Syndrome, Tourette syndrome, Borderline personality disorder, whatever. The're not going to know you for the disorder, but the person who happens to have the disorder.

In conclusion, (I'm sorry if I wrote an essay), I believe that what really seperates neural typicals from aspies is our unofficial culture. Even though we are not a community per se, when share common characteristic as aspie's. The difference between us and other humans is that we can't assimulate, but we can accomodate (and that's a whole lot better anyway). If humans can teach sign language to primates, Aspies can definately learn to understand neural typicals.

We should observe them, but we can not forget that we are the same species. One a final note, if your interest are different because you only like things (or a certain thing) don't sweat it. Someone else is bound to like one of those thing, that person could be someone that you could learn to know and trust.

When I sent it that first time, I though it didn't go through (can't find server message or something). Sorry

I think that was really well put, Phoenix. Caring about someone has nothing to do with whether you're an autistic or an NT--it depends on the individual. I think the difference lies in part in how it's expressed. NTs seem to need more constant contact and to express their feelings in every situation. I can look at someone from afar and feel for them but I don't want them to come to me every minute to talk about their problems. I will think of ways that I can help them but want to do it without getting too involved and thus overstimulated and overwhelmed. If an Aspie spends effort thinking of how to do the right thing or how to help someone they're farther along in developing empathy than someone for whom emoting comes naturally but who does not make an effort to understand or care. Everyone has a soul--the essense of who they really are--be it autistic or NT.

Spektyr wrote:I worked my way up to people, completely unaware of my Asperger's. Started out learning how dogs interacted, what their social cues were, etc. (And to be brutally honest I think dogs are socially superior to humans - they're far more civil to each other.)

I like this, Spektyr, I feel the same way about dogs!

I also read, quite literally, tons of books on as many topics as possible and devoured hours upon hours of movies. Then, calling upon those resources I could recite the dialogue that fit the situation and resulted in effects I found desireable. That didn't always work (and is counter-productive if people figure out that you're parroting), but it did help me start decoding the social blueprint of the neurotypical mind.

I did something like this as well, studying people so that I could figure out how to act socially. It took a long, long time but I'm now able (at 41) to do pretty well.

I think that it's important to make the distinction between empathy and compassion. Empathy is more like a knee-jerk reaction and much depends on the person's intellectual response to the empathy they feel and what action they take. I have a high level of empathy and crying when I see someone cry is one effect of empathy. But what will I do? I've seen people with empathy who don't have compassion. Aspergers people often make good, loyal friends, and are people that others come to with their problems. We also think about a problem and try to come up with solutions.

I find it easy to empathise in a theoretical sense, but much more difficult in a practical hands on one. Case in point - a lady at work's husband died earlier this year. How to handle that was a tricky one. The safest road was simply avoiding the subject when she finally came back to work and thankfully that seemed to be what she wanted anyhow.

I go around now with a little mental checklist of how to react to this or how to react to that. I managed to congratulate another colleague when she told me she was having a baby, and yet another who was getting married - and I think I managed to do it without sounding possessed, sarky or strange, because they haven't avoided me since.

It's not empathy as such that's difficult to comprehend. I think that it's easy to empathise. It's how to *act* on the empathy and process those thoughts and feelings into correct actions that is more difficult. My mother and I would have lots of arguments about things because she felt I didn't care and I felt she was being unfair. But these days I manage to remember to ask her how she got on at the hospital (she has a form of leukaemia) or things like that. She also used to think I didn't love her because I didn't hug her and wasn't emotionally demonstrative the way my sister tends to be. But now she understands, we have a really close bond.

When I was at school, the kids who were the bullies were the opposite end of the spectrum and as "normal" as you'd please. It's as Phoenix said - empathy is something that can be learnt. I think the thing is that - because we see EVERYTHING differently - we make an effort to learn it? Weird example - when I did my French A-Level, I was the only one in my class who had not done the verbs extensively beforehand. So I studied them really really hard. I was the only one who got an A that year. Does that make sense?

My hardest thing is not to laugh or smile at something inappropriately. I don't find it FUNNY per se, if someone has died or something bad has happened. I just have to fight the urge to laugh for no apparent reason...

vraie*esprit wrote:It's not empathy as such that's difficult to comprehend. I think that it's easy to empathise. It's how to *act* on the empathy and process those thoughts and feelings into correct actions that is more difficult.

This is so true--and results in NTs thinking we are unfeeling. My husband had a relative that just died and I had to figure out--do I call the surviving relatives, do I go over to their house, do I cook them food? What do I say? (Don't be too logical and practical and say something in that vein! What a no-no, even though you think you're being helpful. Oy vey.) The fear of not doing the right thing is often prohibitive and of course that's the worst thing you can do: nothing, as you sit in your room by yourself emotionally and physically paralyzed... The thing that I can't figure out is that often NTs don't know what to say or say the wrong thing yet their faux pas are often overlooked or they are not judged so harshly. I think there must be something to that mirror neurons idea, or sheesh, maybe quantum mechanics is working for them and we're on the outside! My husband is NT and I have him to consult with on so many social issues. That and having learned a good many of the social rules over the years including not saying too little or too much, not being too serious or too flippant, proper tone of voice, and so on and on and on and on and on, and most don't know I'm Aspergers. What a balancing act it is, whew. The slightest misstep brings Criticism swiftly running. Call me Tightrope Walker Extraordinare!

It's as Phoenix said - empathy is something that can be learnt. I think the thing is that - because we see EVERYTHING differently - we make an effort to learn it? Weird example - when I did my French A-Level, I was the only one in my class who had not done the verbs extensively beforehand. So I studied them really really hard. I was the only one who got an A that year. Does that make sense?

Totally. Sometimes trying really hard makes us do better because they don't have to try as hard or sometimes at all. When I was younger I was so hurt at being thought of as dorky and weird and socially deficient that I overcompensated by becoming a thin, glamourous fashion plate with the elegant clothes and walk of the 40's film stars (watched them extensively so I could be like them) and ended up being thought of as a snob who was born with a silver spoon in my mouth and led a charmed life.

My hardest thing is not to laugh or smile at something inappropriately. I don't find it FUNNY per se, if someone has died or something bad has happened. I just have to fight the urge to laugh for no apparent reason...

I have this problem, too. I find humor everywhere. I think it's a desire to escape the NT world which can feel so confining combined with the fear of doing the wrong thing.