Friends

I have two really good friends that I've known for years, one since I was five and the other since I was 15. Both of these guys share a lot of characteristics with me; we have the same sense of humor, the same taste in music, and they even have many qualifying symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome. Now, I was diagnosed as an Aspie six years ago, and I've taken that time to learn how I'm different from other people, learn about Asperger's Syndrome, and in general try to find what makes me happy and run with it.
Both of these guys have had similar difficulties to mine in their lives, but are undiagnosed. Should I reveal my concern to them (say, "I think you might be like me"), and how would a tactful way of doing so come to pass?

Do they know you are an Aspie? If so, one strategy is to find a checklist of traits that you have and that they have. Next time you are just hanging out, pull out a printout and say something like, "Look what I found, is this me or what?" Read the checklist outloud with them and put a big check next to any trait that they agree is like you. Make it something of a joke, a game. It's a gentle, subtle way to bring up the various traits of Asperger's and may get them to realize that they share many of those same traits. One or both may approach you and ask about it. It should at least get them thinking a bit. If it doesn't, we can go from there.

Hi,

Firstly, is it absolutely necessary for you to ever mention Asperger's to them? If your relationship with them is working out fine for now, then there shouldn't be a need to. However, if there are certain traits between you and your friends that create an anxious/nervy atmosphere at times, then maybe it would indeed be a good idea to raise the issue (and the same is true for when traits of them [i.e. your friends] creates an anxious/nervy atmosphere). With regard to how to raise the issue itself, I find that acausual Q is always good, such as: 'Have you guys ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome?'. If they answer 'no' and don't even ask what it is, then it's clear that they've no real interest. However, if you sense that they'd like to know about it (and maybe how it applies to them) - or if they actually confirm that they've heard of it - then you should obviously extend the conversation to explaining/disussing it.

Kevin

Chucky wrote:Hi,

Firstly, is it absolutely necessary for you to ever mention Asperger's to them? If your relationship with them is working out fine for now, then there shouldn't be a need to. However, if there are certain traits between you and your friends that create an anxious/nervy atmosphere at times, then maybe it would indeed be a good idea to raise the issue (and the same is true for when traits of them [i.e. your friends] creates an anxious/nervy atmosphere).

Aside from within the confines of the friendship though, if they are indeed Aspies, knowing could help them in other aspects of life too. I know for me, since finding out about AS, it's made things a bit easier for me to deal with. While it hasn't changed anything as such, at least now I know why I do things in certain ways, why I like or dislike certain things or situations, etc. I can't really change how things affect me, but I can be more prepared, or know what situations to avoid, etc.

Yes, that's right, and I suppose it's a judgement call on Grossenschwamm's behalf - i.e. does he think that his friends are likewly to be open about Asperger's?; or are they the type who would isolate him for ever bringing it up? Knowing someone else with Asperger's is positive, and there was a guy with it in my last course at college. Working with him in the science labs was so much easier than working with a normal person. we seemed to just intuitively know what each other was thinking and it was a joy. When I worked with any NT, there was always confusion and annoying 'breaks' for time to talk. I could be three hours standing next to the Asperger's guy though and never say a word to him!

I think it may stem from an unconscious need to know more people like myself. My one friend already knows I have Asperger's, but I haven't told the other. I suspect my dad's an aspie, he has every symptom required to get the diagnosis. Since I found out I'm not like the so-called normal people, I've been trying more and more to connect with other people who will understand. Not everyone even understands what the diagnosis means, and one of my friends responded negatively to my revealing myself. He acted as though I was saying I was retarded. When you see what I've typed, it's not how I actually speak. I don't talk like anyone else, I have to copy other people to fit in. I don't like to be touched. I have noises I make, I make faces all the time, I speak in onomatopoaiea, and I can learn how to do things by watching how they're done. I'm a human parrot. I'm not trying to inspire pity, but it's so hard to walk around all day and not be able to be myself. I have to watch closely who I can actually relax around, and finding a place like this forum where there are people like me is such a relief...because I know you guys understand. I just want to find more people close to home;
My dad lives 361 miles from me.
I can't even talk to my mom about it, because she just won't understand...and I've noticed so many striking similarities to my condition in the lives of my friends, that I think it might help them to know more about Asperger's and maybe they'll actually see.

Grossenschwamm wrote:I think it may stem from an unconscious need to know more people like myself.

Yah. I think it's because we want to be able to relate, but can't.

Grossenschwamm wrote:I suspect my dad's an aspie, he has every symptom required to get the diagnosis.[/qoute] Scientists suspect AS is genetic.

Grossenschwamm wrote:Not everyone even understands what the diagnosis means, and one of my friends responded negatively to my revealing myself. He acted as though I was saying I was retarded.

Classic, stereotypical NT reaction (doesn't apply to all NTs, but this is how modern people think): you're different. Go die in a hole.

Grossenschwamm wrote:When you see what I've typed, it's not how I actually speak. I don't talk like anyone else,

This is called being an aspie?...

Grossenschwamm wrote:I have to copy other people to fit in. I don't like to be touched. I have noises I make, I make faces all the time, I speak in onomatopoaiea, and I can learn how to do things by watching how they're done. I'm a human parrot.

NTs do the copy thing, but at an earlier age. The noises and touching are aspie traits. Hyper/hypo sesnitivity for your senses is called sensory integration dysfunction.

GrossenschwammI'm not trying to inspire pity, but it's so hard to walk around all day and not be able to be myself. I have to watch closely who I can actually relax around, and finding a place like this forum where there are people like me is such a relief...because I know you guys understand. I just want to find more people close to home;

Comming here somewhat unknotted my back. Not kidding.
[quote="Grossenschwamm wrote:I can't even talk to my mom about it, because she just won't understand

I told my mom. I heard her laughing about it later when she was telling my dad after they thought I was asleep

That's quote-tastic, Quark. After reading your recent post, Grossenschwamm, I'm ever more convinced that you shouldn't tell anyone else about Asperger's (unless it's absolutely necessary to do so). You should really be debating this either as the mere procrastination over what to do is probably affecting how you interact with them anyway. Just accept in yourself that you have Asperger's - What's the need to tell anyone else except for your family and us? You said that you want to find others like you, but it's safer here to talk about anything Asperger's-related. out there (in the real world), you've already seen how some people can react negatively to it.

I only tell people the truth when I care about them, and the reason I put myself through this is I want to find out who my real friends are. After I told my one friend, from his response I knew he wasn't going to understand my ups and downs, and I distanced myself from him. My mom's different, because even if she doesn't understand, I know she's on my side. It can make me sad for a bit, but I know that if I only keep my true friends around, along with involving those true people in my routines, I can be happy. It might not be the best way, but it's mine. I don't mind that I have AS at all, because all it really does is affect how I see the world. Even as we've got a spectrum disorder in common, we're all affected by it in different ways. It makes us truly unique.

I could probably count on one hand the number of people I would trust enough to tell. People who would make an effort to understand and who I know would not use it against me. So who I would tell and who I wouldn't would be on a case-by-case basis. And there are only 2 or 3 people in the world who I trust to that extent. Once, when I was a teenager (25+ years ago) I asked my mum if maybe I had autism when I was a kid, but she was very adamant that that was not possible. In those days I hand never heard of AS or high-functioning-autism, so I thought of autistic kids as basically kids who didn't talk and who had thousand-yard-stares and strange tics (kind of like me to a large extent). She had been a psychiatric nurse before she got married, so I never really considered it again until I started reading this forum.

One funny thing is that my youngest brother is also likely an Aspie, although I don't remember him having too many childhood symptoms apart from clumsiness, obsessive interests and being ridiculously smart. I never heard him mention Aspergers syndrome until recently, and now he seems to be constantly diagnosing his friends as having aspergers syndrome or saying that some odd behaviour of my son's might be indicative of aspergers. So I suspect that he knows he has it.... but I'm not going to say anything. Because he used to be so poorly adjusted and annoying and rather odd, and now (at the age of 40) he has recently become quite charming, a lot easier to get along with, and has a stream of very nice girlfriends. So I don't want to risk any regression. Recently he even responded positively to a suggestion that one day he might get an actual job.

As for telling other people that they may have AS... once again, on a case by case basis. It would depend on whether I thought they would take offence and whether I thought that it would be helpful for them to know. I can be quite diplomatic if I am aware of the need to be diplomatic. I can say for certain that I would be peeved if I knew that someone had thought I had it 10 years ago and didn't tell me for fear of offending me.