I feel hoplessly empty inside...

Hi everybody.
I am a 17 year old Persian boy and I have been recently diagnosed with Asperger's. I am clinically paranoid and I have a severe inferiority complex. I supposedly have an IQ of 137 and am being outsmarted by the biggest of dolts. I am also a virgin and have never engaged in a relationship with a girl before in my life. My anxiety problems are getting worse and my rage is thickening.
I practically have no friends [friends who have time for me outside of school at least, because my friends are heavily involved in crime and drug trafficking and push me away for my own safety; which I appreciate].
I do many things to get the tormenting thoughts out of my mind. Such as play video games, go on the computer, do recreational drugs, or even exercise. But in the end, they always come back to haunt me in the end, only to ruin my day, everyday.

All my life, I have either been criticized or put down by others. Almost never have I met anyone's standards. Nor have I ever held the role of a leader before. I was always assigned to be a follower. I am always shafted in social experiences. I come from a successful aristocratic family with high standards and expectations and I am failing them in every way.

People are often deeply ashamed of being associated with me. I had several different groups of friends before I acquainted myself with my current friends. After having all the predeceasing groups rejecting me, I eventually found a group. Even they tried to reject me, but they eventually accepted me for who I was.

However, they only hang out with me at school. Outside, they are always busy with something. Usually things neither of us would want me being involved with. So, everyday after school I find myself alone in my room on the computer or in front of the TV playing video games. Sometimes I smoke Marijuana or drink liquor to release my mind [even though knowing that depression is expected after the high/buzz is gone]. On top of that, I am masturbating very frequently due to my "sexual boredom".

I am a very loving person. And I know it. I wouldn't hurt a fly. Hell, I help out even the most insignificant creatures when they are in need. For example, when a fly travels around in my house aimlessly trying to find a way out, I always help it out. I do this not because the fly is a pain in the ass and I want to get rid of it as soon as possible, but because I share feelings for the fly and the situation it's going through. It's as alive as I am.

Sadly, people view my sincerity as an act of strangeness and ignore me. When I express kindness to a girl, that girl would usually think that I am flirting with her and ends up running away from me. Or she just ignores me or pushes me away because I'm not "cool" or "hot" enough for her.

Another thing that turns people off is that I don't follow what the main stream media tells you to follow. I think it's ######6 #######4. I'd rather be my own person with morals, ideals, and most importantly, and opinion rather than to be used as a drone for these corporate sleazebags.

I hate ignorance and idiocy. I wish to stay far away from it as possible. Nor do I want to experience it. If these characteristics were to become a single living being, I would slaughter that being without a second thought and I would not hold even the slightest feelings of remorse and regret. That's how strong my hatred is.

Anyways, I am here to seek help on my problems with women, which have led to others. I will explain as you read along.

As I was saying, I have ALWAYS wanted a girlfriend. Since I was 7 I believe, and it has been 10 years and I haven't engaged with anyone. Not because I don't want to, but because the women I fall for don't want to.

I have always wanted someone to hold. Someone to pour my big heart all over. I want to have someone to be with. A woman I can kiss and tell she's beautiful. Someone to experience good times and bad times with and live afterward to tell the tale. I want to have her to love me back as much as I love her, whomever she may be. Someone to live life with.

However, I am always pushed away or ignored. All the women I have fallen in love with always end up ripping my heart out and stomping it to the ground. Whether it is to my face or behind my back. Whether they tell me I'm below their standard or they go sleep with an enemy. Either way, I am left broken in the end.

Sadly, I am starting to go numb, but at the same time I despair more than ever. I don't undergo a state of ecstasy anymore when a good looking girl smiles to me and starts a conversation with me. I can't respond with the same enthusiasm as I use to. I even fake many of my emotions because I most of them are either dying or are dead. And every time I get rejected, the pain only makes itself greater than last time.

Whenever I see a couple holding hands, I feel a deep burning sensation around my mid-section. It saddens me when it's a couple that I don't even know, but it almost puts in tears me when I see a girl I know with some other guy. Especially if she was a huge bitch to me after I opened up to her.

People often tell me to think positive about life. I have only question though, how can one with a sane mind think so highly of his or her situation when only the worst is to be expected? In my case, it's rejection, loneliness, despair, self-pity, and a deep and constantly expanding feeling of hatred towards society. I can only think of a cocky, ignorant buffoon thinking so highly of himself when going through my situation. Then again, I could end up like my 40+ family members and friends, who were executed by the Iranian Regime during the Iranian Revolution throughout the 70's and early 80's for being involved with the Iranian Monarchy.

I nap a lot and I cry myself to sleep at least once a week before going to bed. Recently, I had a moment of rage where I ended up having 4 nervous breakdowns in a 3 day period. I even shattered my mirror with my elbow. Sometimes I wish the glass lacerated me so I would just bleed to death.

Recently, I have had frequent thoughts of suicide run through my mind. Along with the thoughts of savagely killing others out of vengeance, hatred, and grief. However, these are only fantasies. Yet, I gravely fear that one day those fantasies become memories of what has occurred. And I never want that to happen. EVER! Because those thoughts are evil beyond most people's comprehension level.

When I am in the state of rage, I usually undergo a deep feeling of loss. And when wanting to do something irrational and dangerous comes into mind, I don't worry about the consequences for I don't feel like I have much to lose, even though I do. I love my family and my friends and I am looking forward to what was promised to me in life, but I am starting to lose my grip.

All my life I was promised many things, but nothing ever happened. I was always told I was handsome and women look at me like I am a burn victim. Everything nice that a woman has done for me was mostly out of pity. I never am viewed as an equal in anyone's eyes. Always an inferior.

Please, someone tell me what to do, because I think I might lose it one day.

I know, I know , yes We know.

Me too.the big emptiness inside the machinery of my soul that creeps over me like slow autum
and no love, just hot days that are so freezing cold.

The answers are. There are special people out there that you can befirend,
and we die if we are let alone with all the normal people.

Yes, we are capable of relationships we are just not always given the chances because we are different.

You are not worthless, blabla.

Sight, why does everyone with aspergers seem to live identical lives.

We know... we really do.

That's so true. Hahaa we DO live similar lives.

Hey,

When you say that you're Persian, do you mean that you're from Iran? You don't sound like you're from Iran though - you sound more British, American, or Canadian! Anyway dude, there are lots of people your age and above who have never had sex. I am 25 and have only done it once (and disliked it). Honestly, there is too much hype about sex. I understand, however, if these words mean jack-shit to you.

Listen though, you sound like a very decent guy. Your time will come eventually. When I was your age, I was very like you and always clung-onto the thought that my time for happiness would be the future when all of the girls look upon guys like me (and you) in a different way. Know what I mean? Like, instead of dating jerks, they decide that enough's enough, and they start going for quiet, nice guys like you and I.

Kevin

Yes that is very similar to my life up to my 17 years. But you seem to have an articulate speech, great confidance on your opinions and high standards. Keep that and you will do fine. Many people I know got girlfriends in their 20's, some girls then like decent guys. In that sense you are not like me, I'm not a nice decent guy I let all the madness in this world get the best of me and then I droped every standard I had. Don't do that, stay sane, it seems pointless but I think it pays off years later.