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How Do I Get My AS Teen To Talk and Confide In Me ?

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How Do I Get My AS Teen To Talk and Confide In Me ?

Postby FreeMarketRules » Sat Feb 10, 2018 2:30 pm

My 15 year old is very dismissive and disrespectful when my wife or I ask him to tell us how his day went and what he did at school. We want him to talk about successes or struggles and share with us. We ask him at the dinner table and in private in his room. He is not forthcoming and says nothing is wrong. We know things are wrong.

He doesn't want to confide in us or tell us issues. He tends to keep it all in and seems morose and pensive at home. He is an athlete on the basketball team and football team, probably the best athlete, best shooting percentage, best rebounder, but tends to lose playing time because he doesn't communicate with coaches or players on team and has issues with quick recall and processing time on the plays called by the coach.

It has really hurt his morale and confidence. This has been an ongoing and frustrating issue with him over the last 4 years. He tends to freeze and not play loose. Football is better than basketball. The basketball coach sees him as lazy an lethargic because he doesn't acknowledge or have high sense of urgency or quick movemments or talk on the court.

He has become more moody lately, and morose lately and doesn't want to share his frustrations or dsicuss anything or be touched with a hug. He doesn't want to share how he is feeling or why he seems depressed.

We have also taken away his SnapChat and Instagram over the last 3 months because it seemed to be a source for "vaping" discussions, jules, inappopriate conversations with girls occasionally and hyper amount of social interaction with "streaks" and communication that did not seem positive. He was also lying about buying vaping products, using, bought some pot, drank some beer, distributing vaping products to be "cool" and got his younger brother suspended from school.

Now, he seems to feel "left out" and excluded from things because he does not have SnapChat and IG, but we feel he is not mature enough to handle the information overload or content. But, have we possibly made it worse ?

Plus, he is very quiet and introverted even though a great athlete, and has a 3.5 GPA as a Freshman. He recently got diagnosed by Speech Pathologist with communication disability. So, we know he has issues speaking to others at school and having normal conversations. He says he never feels any emotion about anything, but it is probably hypersensitivity and he shuts down. He doesn't want hugs or discuss emotions.

It is just a very frustrating time for us and we just want him to talk to us and get it out. He seems to just keep it all in and never wants to talk about anything. We just want to help him, but we feel so helpless.
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Re: How Do I Get My AS Teen To Talk and Confide In Me ?

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sat Feb 10, 2018 6:44 pm

FreeMarketRules wrote:My 15 year old is very dismissive and disrespectful when my wife or I ask him to tell us how his day went and what he did at school. We want him to talk about successes or struggles and share with us. We ask him at the dinner table and in private in his room. He is not forthcoming and says nothing is wrong. We know things are wrong.

... aspies often don't process information linguistically. as such, asking them to talk about their experiences can leave them feeling quite blank. i remember my mother used to ask me to tell her what people had said to me in great detail. i simply could never remember, as it was mostly chit-chat and simply not worthy of retention. but even other matters i could only remember the gist of and never the word-for-word dialogue that she expected.

FreeMarketRules wrote:He doesn't want to confide in us or tell us issues. He tends to keep it all in and seems morose and pensive at home. He is an athlete on the basketball team and football team, probably the best athlete, best shooting percentage, best rebounder, but tends to lose playing time because he doesn't communicate with coaches or players on team and has issues with quick recall and processing time on the plays called by the coach.

... again, he may simply not be able to communicate such issues verbally. the expressions and feeling may simply not be there, or at least not at a level that's accessible. also, slow reactions are symptomatic of AS. aspies aren't instinctive and often have to think quite hard about what might appear to be very simple matters.

FreeMarketRules wrote:It has really hurt his morale and confidence. This has been an ongoing and frustrating issue with him over the last 4 years. He tends to freeze and not play loose. Football is better than basketball. The basketball coach sees him as lazy an[d] lethargic because he doesn't acknowledge or have high sense of urgency or quick movemments or talk on the court.

... again, not unusual for an aspie. however, this may be accentuated by what he's perceiving as negative feedback. aspies can be very sensitive to criticism, and such criticism can deter involvement and the feeling of being safe to take risks.

FreeMarketRules wrote:He has become more moody lately, and morose lately and doesn't want to share his frustrations or d[is]cuss anything or be touched with a hug. He doesn't want to share how he is feeling or why he seems depressed.

... aspies are well know to go into themselves at times of stress. due to his lack of connection with his own feelings he may not even recoghnise that he's depressed. however, the withdrawal of physical contact seems a sure indication that he is.

FreeMarketRules wrote:We have also taken away his SnapChat and Instagram over the last 3 months because it seemed to be a source for "vaping" discussions, jules, inappopriate conversations with girls occasionally and hyper amount of social interaction with "streaks" and communication that did not seem positive. He was also lying about buying vaping products, using, bought some pot, drank some beer, distributing vaping products to be "cool" and got his younger brother suspended from school.

... sadly, this is the world we now live in. he'll have to learn the necessary life skills to cope with it sooner or later. delaying this development will be unlikely to serve him well. moreover, this sets yourselves up as the bad guys. it's little wonder that he's not willing to let you into his world when he's fearful of what you may do to it. you really do need to find a more subtle approach to these problems so as not to estrange yourselves from him.

FreeMarketRules wrote:Now, he seems to feel "left out" and excluded from things because he does not have SnapChat and IG, but we feel he is not mature enough to handle the information overload or content. But, have we possibly made it worse ?

... guess what? yes, i think that you have!

FreeMarketRules wrote:Plus, he is very quiet and introverted even though a great athlete, and has a 3.5 GPA as a Freshman. He recently got diagnosed by Speech Pathologist with communication disability. So, we know he has issues speaking to others at school and having normal conversations. He says he never feels any emotion about anything, but it is probably hypersensitivity and he shuts down. He doesn't want hugs or discuss emotions.

... we could have a very long discussion about the various views of this. it may simply be a bit of both. however, i'm not sure that from what you've told me here that there's enough to fully justify the shutdown view. i'm more tempted to say that he lacks an adequately developed theory of mind, part of which is recognising not only other peoples feeling but also your own.

FreeMarketRules wrote:It is just a very frustrating time for us and we just want him to talk to us and get it out. He seems to just keep it all in and never wants to talk about anything. We just want to help him, but we feel so helpless.

... you need to find approaches to this that don't rely on him articulating to you what his problems are. furthermore, i'll guess that he already has and you've dismissed them, because a very big part of his world is that part that you've now barred him from.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: How Do I Get My AS Teen To Talk and Confide In Me ?

Postby FreeMarketRules » Sat Feb 10, 2018 9:49 pm

So, do you have suggestions on how we should do things differently to get him to communicate more and remedy our issues ?

I realize the things we are doing are not effective and why I am on this message board forum ?

It seems from reading some of these threads, a better tact would be to explain the implications better and role play on what to say when he is faced with these decisions that are not acceptable. Aspies don't intuitively know right from wrong like NT teens. That is a scary thought.

And, if we take away something, take it away for a limited time, not long term, and be clear about why it is being taken away.

So, say, you can have SnapChat back when you do this.....

Also, I have read to have him write a paper on the issues with vaping and phone addiction where he understands the logic behind making poor decisions and how it will affect him. We have already done some of that. But, it is a struggle.

Just looking for suggestions ? We know we are not being effective communicating with him.
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Re: How Do I Get My AS Teen To Talk and Confide In Me ?

Postby serpand » Sun Feb 11, 2018 2:11 pm

At his age with the communication problems he has his greatest concerns are probably approaching girls since his sexuality is now on and is required to express itself for him to feel good.

Belonging to a group where he feels appreciated for what he is is also an issue.

He should get involved in activities which include expressing his inner world, like learning an instrument or drawing.
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Re: How Do I Get My AS Teen To Talk and Confide In Me ?

Postby FreeMarketRules » Sun Feb 11, 2018 6:08 pm

We had him take piano lessons for a year, but he detested it, because of the quick movements and processing. He never got the the "unconscious competence" stage where he was feeling the keys and playing so he was thinking too much and too quickly and it was very strenuous for him.

Although, he did do decent and progressed well and played nicely at times in recitals and some rather intermediate pieces.

Is there a musical instrument which is more conducive to Aspies ? Guitar ?

He likes art and has always been talented but it is not "cool" now and all he cares about now is basketball shoes, instragram and Nike and Adidas clothes, and iPhone.
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Re: How Do I Get My AS Teen To Talk and Confide In Me ?

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue Feb 13, 2018 11:12 pm

i really do think that you're trying to live his life for him, and he's almost certain to resent that. as for musical instruments, drums were my first love. i now play guitar (very badly). bass is a lot easier.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: How Do I Get My AS Teen To Talk and Confide In Me ?

Postby serpand » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:24 am

When I started playing I was overwhelmed by the possibilities of the instrument, and the tendency was to understand how to play before playing, since I was trying to grasp it all at once instead of just trying stuff out. What worked for me was to learn some theory and listen to a song and play on top of it. Then I started working on playing my favorite songs. Latter I got into a band with friends, enjoyed jams a lot, but it was hard to join the group dynamics. I play classic guitar and I must say it made all the difference for me. The power to express yourself when there is so much you can't put into words, and the ability to improve your mood when it's down, is very important when life gets rough.

He should be somehow motivated to invest in his artistic talent, it will be fruitful in the long term.

Sports are important also, I really enjoyed tennis and soccer, although I was very clumsy in soccer. In tennis I was much better. Group sports are harder for me, but they teach you a lot.

Also I don't think you should force him to do these things or forbid him from doing what you think is wrong. He as to learn for himself the best way to live his life, you can help him to figure out how to do that.
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