HELP! Do I have Aspergers or am I insane?

Hello! Okay, so I’m just going to jump straight in: I’m a 19 year old female and I’m wondering if I have Aspergers. I feel like there’s something not quite right with me, but I didn’t suspect this until after I was told by two of my best friends that they have Aspergers. I never realised, to be honest. I just thought I’d found real people that I could finally relate to. So… I’m debating on whether I should bring this up with my GP, because it could be something else. But before I do, I was wondering what you guys think. Do I have Aspergers or am I just insane? I kinda made the whole thing in list form….it’s a very long list. I basically just listed stuff I thought was relevant… hope it’s not too long. HELP.

- I’m scared of meeting new people. Especially houseguests (will avoid them like the plague even if I’m starving and need to eat)
- I don’t always look at people when I talk to them (which annoys me because I know I can only if I’m comfortable around them). If I do end up looking at them, I stare straight into their eyes which apparently can get a bit awkward.
- I hate people I don’t live with and am comfortable with coming into my room.
-Something which i know can’t be a typical reaction: flying into a rage or crying if my mother has misplaced or touched anything when she would clean my room. Everything has a place and a reason for being there (in use, not in use, medicines, memories, still life, candles/matches, etc…). Nothing makes sense without that order.
- Being overly competitive: always needing to prove i’m right (if i am, otherwise i’m open to suggestion)
- Apathetic to almost everything (except animals XD)
- People’s opinions of me differ hugely according to the situation: “You’re such a child” “You act like a kid” vs “You’re very mature for your age”, this may be normal, I wouldn’t know.
- I understanding people’s emotions and facial expressions like I understand a definition in a dictionary, as well as tact/things you should(n’t) say; but not always sure how to proceed. There are moments where I think I got it right but it turns out I was too blunt/rude. Trouble fully understanding what a person means or is asking (ex. “Does this dress suit me/look good?” should i say yes based on what i’ve heard others say, or comment on whether the dress is aesthetically pleasing on its own or according to the person’s skin tone/body shape…. Am I overthinking this?)
- I am very quiet and hate sudden loud noises (slamming doors, screeching tables/chairs, and despise the sound of people chewing)
- I dissociate easily: terrible memory, poor as hell concentration, debilitating brain fog. BUT I know I am not depressed: I have depressive episodes but these are due to this damn dissociation, which I think is due to a lack of mental stimuli (but I’m not a psychiatrist.) + brain fog is only present if I’m not focused on something interesting.
- My jokes are not always understood, my sense of humour is either very dark or odd, or I take it too far. Ironically, I hardly get why most jokes/situations are funny. Yet, if I do find them funny, I rarely laugh.
- To add to that, although I can be very expressive, if I’m pleased it usually never shows. My mother always asks me “Are you happy/do you like (X)?”(for example: I’ve received a wonderful gift, I love it), I’ll simply tell her “Yes, I love it. Thank you”
- I can’t find it in me to work on something i have no interest in, even if this means obtaining horrible grades or getting fired from work. On the other hand, as soon as I find something interesting, I have to know everything about it; in fact, I can get so absorbed, I forget to eat. I live for my interests, it is more mentally stimulating than spending time with people. Not that I don’t like people, I love my friends. But I find it hard to give them time: if the conversation is not interesting, I prefer to leave then sit and be unproductive.
- I hate conflict
- I can be impulsive myself but hate others springing random surprises on me.
- Unless I know the person, I can’t tell when they’re joking. In which case, I think they’re making fun of me. Same with sarcasm.
- But I can be equally as uncaring of other people’s judgement so… I really don’t know.
- In a work environment, I have to know everything that’s going on, so that I can plan my day around everything for it to go smoothly. I made the big mistake of going into hospitality, complete disaster! Planning seems to be a big part of my life, no matter how much I’d like to think I’m footloose & carefree. I think of it as chess, accounting and assessing for all possible moves and outcomes.
- I’ve got a huge problem with words, I find it hard to get what I mean across. I prefer to do it in writing.
- Don’t understand why people get so irrational when they’re emotional, y u no logic.

But then I think that there are aspects that disprove my whole theory:

- Although I hardly remember my childhood, I know that I used to be very loud. I would always find one/two good friend(s). I was also told that i was equally very shy.
- I’m not that bothered by change if I initiate it. In fact, I love it. I love moving around from house to house, or travelling alone to different countries to learn more. If it’s unexpected and affects me, I get a little upset.
- I can force myself to appear social and outgoing at times, even voluntarily interacting with people I hardly know (some can be complete strangers). + I don’t mind it at all if random people approach/talk to me in public, in fact, I’ll gladly talk back.
- If I’m familiar with an expression, I understand it. If I don’t expect it, I don’t understand it.
- I myself use sarcasm a lot.
- I care too much, though I think I’m not even aware of it, at times.
- I have learnt to react in an expressive way to things so that people don’t think I’m being insincere (smiling when I’m happy, laughing when I find something funny, etc)
- I have a wild & vivid imagination

I love crêpes, fur, gold sunset, film rolls and calm blue. Sorry, not sorry. *sigh* This was weird. Anyway, if you’ve managed to finish this, what do you think?

there's little, if any, reason here for me to believe that you're in need of a diagnosis. candidly, i'm tempted to say that you're over-analysing yourself. i forget who it was that said an unconsidered life is a life not worth living, however, too much navel-gazing is equally meaningless. my advice: enjoy your friends, who you may indeed have a lot in common with, and forget about trying to put a label on yourself unless you really need one. as for insanity, you do possibly seem a little open-loop. living in too much of a bubble does that to people. get a few more friends. diversify. it's a big old world out there.

So is there really nothing going on here? Understand, I'm not trying to sound desperate or anything, it's just that I'm trying to find an answer as to why I am like this. If it didn't affect anyone else then I would be more than happy to leave it be but it is. My friends and family never seem to understand why I get so upset about certain things and now, I'm starting to believe I've got a screw loose in the head. I love spending time with my friends and they mean a lot to me. It's just that it's hard for me to pretend I like socialising for long. Don't get me wrong, I hate the fact that I can never really understand the whole social stuff, I'd love to be able to truly connect with people. I force myself to talk with others and (surprise!) meet new people in the hope I might get better but it's hard. Life would be damn easy if I didn't always make social faux-pas with the people I love. As for over-analysing myself, I have always over-analysed myself & everything around me so there's nothing new there. It's just how I think and live.

I agree with what shock_the_monkey said. I don’t think you need a diagnosis. As long as you have your friends and are happy with your life, there really isn’t a need to put a label on yourself. And after I reading what you said I really don’t think you’re insane.

let me explain a few things. i do most of my replies to posts on this forum on my mobile phone. tapping away at a 4.3 inch screen isn't ideal for long-winded and ultra-precise answers. so, i tend to cut-to-the chase. by that, i mean that i take my overall impression of a post and formulate my reply based on that. now, i could give you a far more detailed reply by sitting in a rather cold workshop and powering up my PC - not too attractive for me but if that's what you feel that you need, fine. let me know?

however, for the time being, let's just do a little more of that cutting-to-the-chase. i once read a book, by a female author, that said that all men are autistic. she might be right. but that would rather defeat using such a label. the thing is that we all, no doubt, have some autistic traits. and the other thing that we all have are problems in life. it's not too difficult to see that it's not helpful to confuse the two. and that's what i think that you're in danger of doing here. and that's why i'm trying to steer you away from it.

I identified with almost every characteristic you numbered. I think a crucial point here is that you can't socialize for long, even if you desire to. I am the same. I need a lot of alone time, which I fill with a number of activities. No shame in that. But people around you that love you should always be the center of your focus. Specially family. You seem to be doing that. Has long as you don't isolate yourself too much and you talk about your problems you will be fine.

yes, she does list characteristics that could be deemed autistic. however, let me illustrate my point a little. when i was young i used to get so anxious that i couldn't even sit and watch television with my family. i had no friends. i used to spend my time in solitary pursuits, like collecting bits of what no doubt other people would consider junk and stuffing the pockets of my duffle coat with them. it was a very lonely existence. and to this day i just don't feel connected with other people. against that kind of experience, i rather think that this is more to do with association than anything else. i certainly didn't want to accept that i'm autistic. however, for me, the evidence was overwhelming. if i had a choice, i'd rather not have had to reach that acceptance. and, in a way, i'm glad that i didn't know this when i was young, as i suspect that, faced with such a realisation, i'd simply have given up on life. so, maybe i'm a little biased by my own perspective - but aren't we all.

If you ask my family or friends if they think they are the focus of my attention I am sure they would say no. My advice aims to encourage an effort to avoid turning your back on people since people will eventually turn their back on you.

Also I acknowledge that saying " do this and you will be fine" may not be much help at all, since the problem is not knowing what to do, but learning how to do it.

at the risk of going around in circles, the ancient greeks had a maxim: man know thyself. and i do. and i don't think anyone has to attach too much importance to labels in order to do so. another bit of advice that i picked up from i can't now remember where is: any belief that doesn't empower you is a bad belief. to me, labels certainly don't have a reputation for empowerment. they very much tend to stigmatise. so, we should be careful what we call something. names have a power unto themselves. personally, i think it's quite possible to be very eclectic about mental health and pick and choose what we find useful without necessarily having to let it define us. we are nothing. we are everything. but, most of all, we are whatever we choose to be. so, choose wisely.

Well let’s just say i’ve been diagnosed with aspergers syndroms from age 10 and as well as a lot of other things, the majority of what you explain here I do experience, just maybe a bit more intense than you describe, but then again autism is a spectrum that you can fall anywhere in between, if it’s really bothering you then I definitely think you should speak to a doctor and see what their opinion is, and for the people on here that have said getting a diagnosis doesn’t really matter, well it can have a lot of benefits and can help some people so much to even just know they’re not abnormal and there’s something else going on! Also help with education and social problems etc, so yes getting a diagnosis can be life changing for some people. Anyway , Good luck and hope you get some answers soon p.s- to shock_the_monkey ... over analysing situations/self/others is actually something a lot of people with asperger’s struggle with intensely, so if anything this basically goes towards the fact this girl might have aspergers syndrome.