Would you rule out Asperger, or is it a possibility for me?

Hello, everyone

This might get a bit long, so I'll start by saying that I have been trying to find "what do I have" for a really, really long time. Some people might call them simple "labels", but for me it's a lot more important, it's like a way to get some validation, I can't really explain it. Also, I'm well aware that I can only be diagnosed in person by a health professional, but your opinions would be important for me.

Now, I'll speak a bit about myself. I can't really speak about my childhood, since I have almost no recollection of most of it (I don't think that's important though, I consider it normal), but I know tht I have always been considered somewhat "weird" by the people around me.
I have well-above-average academic capabilities (especially maths). I did not study even 1 time during all of 12 school years, and I'm finishing the Engineering carreer (5 years, Master equivalent) with barely any study time (at least 5 times less than other smart people around me), for example.
But I have a terrible memory for everyday stuff. I tend to forget most stuff, to the point that some people sometimes get irritated at me. For example, I might forget what I have said or been told some hours (sometimes minutes) earlier. I am extremely bad with names and faces. I will only recognize a face if I have been close to someone for months. And even then, if they change their hairstyle/hair color I will probably not recognize them. Unless I make a consciously big effort to remember someone's name, I will forget it every single time.

I am really bad at socializing in several levels.
First, I'm considered "extremely intelligent, but somewhat slow", and my friends laugh at how long it takes me to get a joke sometimes.
Also, people who are close to me know not to speak with hidden meanings if they want to convey something, because I will not get them. I am considered extremely blunt/brutally honest, since I don't seem to follow some kind of "social rules" about when/how/what to say or not to say.
I can't do "small talk", so I just avoid any kind of 1 on 1 situation/talking with anyone who is not an extremely close friend. My workaround is having a third person, so they talk amongst themselves and I just add some words when they speak of something I know about, or having some work to do so conversation is not required.
I know I wasn't really social since I was a child. I remember my parents forcing me to go to a sports club with classmates, and I would just sit under a tree to read a book while they played something.
Role-playing activities are quite hard, so I would just follow the lead of someone creating the situation and telling me how to act.
My imagination is not very bright. I read a lot, so I can really enjoy different fictional worlds, but it's almost impossible to imagine a picture with any kind of specific detail. It's also very hard to remember faces/images of real stuff with enough precision or detail, and it gets worse if I try to describe them. I have tried to learn how to draw, but this made it too hard for me.

I am prone to take things perfectly literally. For example, "put the kettle on the fire" (not exactly, since my native language is spanish) would make my parents get mad at me because I didn't put any water in the kettle, and they would think it was on purpose just to annoy them. But I am good at learning, so the next time I received that order I would remember that experience and put some water in the kettle first. This has happened to me on a lot of different situations. If it's rational or objective I can understand it quite easily, but if it's less defined and more subjective I don't usually get it. I even have problems with the words "a lot/a little", for example.

I have a few main interests that I have pursued and know a lot about: Anime, Computers (especially fixing PCs and gaming) and Mental disorders. Although my interest sometimes "comes and goes", there are times where I spend months reading more and more on these subjects. Recently (a few years ago) I added a fourth interest, Blacksmithing.

I suffer from depression (comes and goes, lasts from a few montsh up to a few years each time). I also have extreme difficulties establishing bonds with people, it's really hard for me to "feel something for someone else". I am more used to feeling depressed, angry (although I have almost never really expressed anger), interested or embarrassed, but caring about someone else is reserved for extremely few people. It's a lot easier for me to "feel" stuff when watching anime, to the point that it feels "more real" (stronger feelings) than the world itself many times.

I have completed a few quizzes about Aspergers, and had some trustworthy people complete them for me as well. My results were trending towards aspergers

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I started with the stuff that makes me feel that I might have some kind of ASD, but now I will continue with the things that make me think I do not.

I have a inhumane amount of willpower, which originates from an extremely strong sense of "long-term reward". I am really terrified of spiders, strongly arachnophobic, for example, but with a good enough reason I could even kiss a spider with a smile (although that would probably cause nightmares for weeks).

I am quite successful in life, at least more successful than any of my friends. I almost have my engineering degree, and I have worked in some companies. Right now I am looking for a job, but my luck hasn't been too bad. I would consider myself somewhat competent at most jobs, and I'm not afraid to do stuff that I might not know how to do. This is a conscious choice, since I have concluded many years ago that I like money, and that the best way to get a good paying job is to act as if I was really capable. Since I am really good at learning, I can just learn any technical info I might need, and I will act with confidence as if I "can manage" anything else.

I am able to look people directly in the eyes and hold their stare. This is again a conscious choice, since I read that in job interviews looking away is not really positive.

I have read and learnt about discussing and argumentation, so I'm quite good at that as well.

Socially, I am somewhat appreciated, although sometimes called out, for smiling all the time (which also started as a conscious decision that would be preferable in my future).
I have been in a stable relationship for almost 8 years (my first and only relationship). She is quite likely Borderline, although we are both still a bit "afraid" of going to a therapist to be oficially diagnosed. I have only had "meltdowns" when I'm together with her (usually caused by her directing her anger towards me when I consider myself innocent). It is not 100% uncontrollable though, although trying to control it requries my full willpower and cause a "burning" sensation inside, together with a feeling of lack of air and a strong desire to break down. I'm 25 and I don't remember having any kind of meltdown before about ~20 years old.


Basically, I am a lot more successful than I would expect I would be if I had Aspergers, although maybe most of that is thanks to a consciously created "character" based on things I considered to be helpful to become economically successful.

Also, I am afraid that I might not be objective enough right now. Maybe I have written stuff in a way that would make it sound more likely to be Asperger's, I am not sure about it.

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Sorry for the extremely long post. To the ones that took the time to read most of it, do you think I might have some kind of ASD, or do you think I should rule it out?

you clearly have some autistic traits. quite where you lie on the autistic spectrum is difficult to say. i'd say that you're less autistic than me, as you don't mention a single stim and the only comorbidity is depression, whereas i have dyspraxia too. so, you're well towards the NT end of the spectrum. as such, i doubt you'd get a diagnosis for AS, especially as it's hard to diagnose in adults and you're clearly very adaptive.

Thank your reading and replying!

I'm sorry, I'm not really sure about what "stim" is.
After some googling I got a general idea, but its meaning is not yet completely clear for me.

Based on the general idea that I got from my quick search, my behaviours that could maybe fit into that definition would be:

-If I'm stressed (which is not very common, I'm usually very calm, only my SO is usually source of stress) I tend to walk in a certain way, especifically avoiding the edges of shadows, lines on the floor and projected lines from the walls/signs. The more stressed I am, the more "features" I will avoid and the more strongly I will avoid them. Unusually will also do this when I'm not stressed.

-I tend to put stuff from my hands in my mouth and keep it there/play with it for a long time (small iron nails, glass balls, small plastic objects, etc)

-I constantly fidget with my hands or with whatever is in my hands, and often that leads to completely distracting myself from long conversations in order to cocentrate on my fidgetting (until I realize and "come back").

-I enjoy repetitive movements. Whenever I'm sitting down I'm always softly but quickly tappign my feet and sometimes my hands, and one of my favorite feelings is being rocked on my SO's knees up and down, as is usually done to babies.

-Well, a lot less iomportant, but I consider my touch sense a bit overly sensitive. I have quite a fascination for soft textures, so much that my SO will buy for me any super-soft piece of cloth she finds (she likes to sew stuff), and whenever I'm home I'm usually around a medium sized piece of super soft fur we have. On the other hand, I absolutely hate itchy or non-soft stuff, to the point my SO makes fun (and gets annoyed sometimes) of my dislike towards one of her bed covers. All of my tshirts have their labels removed, and I am strongly against wearing sweatshirts, jumpers, jackets, shirts and polo-shirts (their stiff collar makes my neck stiff/hurt after a few hours). For some reason, on the other hand, I'm almost immune to cold weather, and I will wear just a tshirt and jeans basically the whole year, including winter.

-Only in extreme cases (meltdowns, a few times a year maximum) I might start scratching my arms repetitively, but this is very uncommon so I would just discard it.


I'm not sure if any of this would qualify as a stim, so I'm just leaving all the information I considered relevant here. Thanks for reading!

stims are quite simply self-comforting actions. rocking, pacing, etc. so, you clearly have some. i have virtually ever stim going. i was very surprised when i found this out. now, labels mean different things to different people. i'd say that i'm PDD-NOS, though i think i was more AS in my childhood. and that's the thing. where you are on the spectrum isn't static. it shifts about. for example. i can go almost totally catatonic if i'm really, really, really stressed. that would be viewed more as classic, or kanner's, autism. my best advice to you is not to try too hard to pin this down but just be aware of your autistic traits, how they affect you and how to best manage them.

I understand what you mean, but to be honest, this kind of "label" is actually very important to me.
I can't really explain why, but maybe it's some kind of sense of validation or completion, after so many years feeling "different". For some reason, it having a name (given by someone else and not just myself) would be the first step to better deal with the associated difficulties.

At the same time, I'm not really asking to be "diagnosed" or anything, it's probably that I just felt the need to compare my case in order to know where I'm at a bit better.

I know it doesn't make sense, but that's pretty much the way I feel about it. I don't think I'll dare go to a therapist, at least for many more years, though.

i don't, personally, feel the need to have anyone else tell me who i am. i've been abused far too badly in the past by so called medical professionals. their opinions now mean nothing to me whatsoever. however, i can understand that someone who hasn't had my experiences might still feel the need for a formal diagnosis as absolute proof of their condition. the notion that such medical professionals know best is all too often an illusion. it just takes a fair bit of bitter experience to realise this. as for comparing yourself to others, you are who you are. such comparisons will never change that. you need to accept yourself as you are. this isn't necessarily easy, and often such comparisons only make it more difficult. i could become very depressed if i allowed myself to think certain thoughts. it's a matter of mental discipline to avoid such situations. focus on the good things in your life and much of the bad won't have any grip on your self-esteem. then, perhaps, you'll find the self-acceptance necessary to achieve inner peace.

I understand your position, and thank you deeply for your opinion and concern. However, that won't really change my opinion of wanting a professional to diagnose me.

I certainly don't want to sound that I'm antagonizing you, or that I'm just ignoring your words. I really appreciate them, and I try to understand them to my best ability.

It is NOT because I believe they know better. Actually, I tend to think the opposite and usually distrust them all. I want a professional to diagnose me because I want the label, I want to be able to use it to convince people around me and make them stop denying things that are quite obvious. I pretty much need a professional to sign a medical letter with the words clearly spelled in order to convince my family to stop being in denial about a lot of things, for example.

And I know that some people will not accept it no matter what, and I also understant people saying that "the opinion of others on this topic shouldn't matter", but I also know quite clearly that having a diagnose is really important for me (although I know it is an extremely unlikely occurence).
It is important for me because, in some ways, I have decided to make it so important. Some time ago I have decided that I do not have the ability to diagnose myself, to give it a name and be certain enough about it. I will always have my deep doubts that will make me say that I do not have anything from time to time. I will start denying it all, or saying that I just made it up, especially because I am the most knowledgeable person around me on the topic of "mental disorders", so nobody (who isn't a professional) can really contradict me.

And I have decided some time ago that I would leave the labels up to them. If at least ONE mental health professional agrees with my views and gives a name to whatever I might have (even if it's not Asperger's specifically), then it will strongly help to convince myself.

Let's just say that some time ago I decided to make it so important for me, and I am not really flexible to be honest.


However, I am carefully reading all your words, and trying to take them in to the best of my abilities. I really thank you, because talking to you like this is enjoybale, and is a relief in some ways.

some people do need a diagnosis. they feel that they need that validation. and, as you say, they feel they need it to convince other people too. my best advice is go and get it. i think that you're sitting on the fence because you fear that you won't get the validation you need. you can't live like that. ultimately, it'll paralyse you. it's better to know the truth than live in fear of it.

I would say you sound more of ADHD than Asperger's. The inattentive type.

Some people say it belongs to the autism spectrum and boy do we empathize with akward aspergery people. but we are not like them. when $#%^ gets heavy (when we compare ourselves with the more serious symptoms they face ) they are all alone by themselves.

Not being able to control your focus makes it so difficult to socialize that you become introverted, socially retarded and do lots of stuff that seem slow or stupid because simply you are not "there" or because some thoughts fears or feelings have become intrusive and you cannot let go. If you take anxiety medication or meditate or some ritalin/adderal you are going to face the present moment for the first time in your life and life will get.. well.. how to say... MUCH SIMPLER

this is my penny of thought hope it helps. take the test for inattentiveness. it may enlighten you a lot.

especially you needing a diagnosis to justify your actions means that you are some milimetres away from neurotypical people. thats why you get them so confused.