HI !

Sorry if my english is not very well.
I am female.
I am new in this forum.
i am 22 and i have asperger.
I believe that living a life having asperger can be difficult.
Its hard for me to make friends.
Its hard for me to make eye contact.
Its hard for me to express my feelings.
Its hard for me to not jump when i hear loud noises or when people touch me.
Its hard for me to understand people's emotions or thoughs.
I think i lack empathy.
I don't feel emotionally tied with my parents or sister.
Which is very logical because as a kid they hit me ''for my own good'' , and because they wanted to be a nice person.
When i am at home i feel uncomfortable and i prefer to be alone in my room.
I feel empty most of the time but sometimes i cry.
I have low energy.
I think i have depression but i am not sure.
I jealous very easy another people because they seems in my mind way better than me.
I like to live in my imagination because there can be wonderfull , i can fly in sky and feel free.
Sometimes i don't want to wake up , just sleep at night and never wake up and then i see the white light.
I forgot to say that i hate myself.
Myself its onus that i have to carry everyday.
Everyday i have to listen my negative thoughs tell me that i am not good enough ,not clever enough,never enough.
I like to get drunk cause alcohol can calm my mind and be comfortable.
But something i really need and shame to ask is a hug.
I need a hug from someone who loves me and take care of me.
I want to lie down on a woman's chest and kiss it and lick it.
Not in a sexual way , i want to suck a woman's chest like i am her baby.
I done it to a girl my age once and it felt very good.
I feel like nobody likes me but i guess i get used to it
People think i am strange.
And thats why i wrote here to see if i get support.
If anyone here struggle with the feels of emptiness i feel.
If anyone here thinks that he/she is nothing with any value like i do.
If anyone here prefers cartoons as friends and have more sympathy for them like i do.
I will finish my article here.
Thank you.

hello chocolate14. none of what you've written is atypical of most people with AS, possibly especially those that have been diagnosed later in life.

AS is a bewildering condition for NTs to understand. and undiagnosed it can lead to much misunderstanding and what might superficially appear to be abusiveness. perhaps, within that context, you might be able to view the actions of your parents and sister somewhat differently. perhaps what you think was them abusing you was actually them being frustrated and not knowing how to communicate effectively with you nor being able to appreciate your level of comprehension. now, i don't want to make excuses for what they did to you, though in a way i am. i just want you to consider your situation from their perspective a little. perhaps then you might be able to find it in your heart to forgive them.

in terms of your capability, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. but if we dwell on the weaknesses, we're bound to feel bad about ourselves and perhaps even become depressed if such thoughts become obsessive. so, you need to focus your energy on those things that you enjoy and give you a sense of self-worth, no matter how trivial they might be. this will give you a basis to start building up some successes. and such successes will add to your confidence.

your primal desire to suckle is quite interesting. i can well imagine that all people retain some degree of this, as it's so essential to life. it's just not something that most people would feel comfortable admitting to.

i have to say that you seem very isolated and it's easy to get things out of perspective in such circumstances. be kind to yourself. accept all that you are and recognise that you're unique and therefore of value in your own right. life is what we make it within the circumstances that we find ourselves. so, always try to be positive. always try to do better. but never condemn yourself for your failings. it's only through failures that we learn to succeed. failing is a part of life for everyone. embrace it. let it be your friend and allow it to guide you to success, rather than feeling bad about yourself and giving up and shutting down. life is for living. so, get out there and live a little.

Thank you for answer me !
I was afraid that nobody will answer.
I don't know if this a good solution but i think i can with knowledge to forget my problems.
Knowlegde i mean i can read from here perhaps stories from people and try to understand that there are people who have problems too.
I said that because i tend to be very self-centered person , i see my own problems only and not the others and complain very much for my problems.
I had a little fight with my only friend for this.
Or knowlegde about anything , something that can give me a feeling.
But i agree with your words too!
Something that will be difficult is how to behave in the outside world.
Maybe i sound hyperbolic but social behaviors is not something that is implant in me like neurotypicals ,is something i have to learn.
I have to remember when i go to buy something in a store to say hello to the employee.
Its true i am isolated which is ironic cause when i write my feeling i say that i want to live my life to the fullest.
To fly up the sky , to learn from people , to drink and get drunk with friends , to have sex with a man and woman , to be a girl and a boy at the same time, to feel everything very much.
I was hypersensitive as a kid but now i feel empty.
I dont want to complain i just open my heart.
If i must to take drungs to be happy then okay i thought to take psychopharmaceuticals but i am afraid.
I want to become like a child again when i used to be happy and more comfortable with myself and i was in love with a boy and felt everything deeply and pleasured sexual myself without feel shame.
I go to a psychologist and i am glad that there is a person that listen to me and don't judge me.
Again thank you for answer me.

you may have got the impression from my reply to you that i'm a very positive person. this is far from true. my life has been pretty tough, partly because i'm undiagnosed and only discovered that i'm autistic in my mid 40s. nevertheless, experience has taught me that dwelling on my problems just accentuates them. if i allow myself to think about them, i rapidly find myself in a downward spiral and struggling to pull-out of it. as such, i don't indulge in thinking about them anymore, and should i find that i'm reminded of them by some circumstance or event, i try to distract myself from that reminiscence. finding out about other peoples' stories can undoubtedly be helpful initially, as it gives a sense of belonging to a group of people with a common experience. however, it's a bit like an alcoholic going down the pub to socialise. ultimately, it becomes self-destructive. it just feeds the victimisation, when what's really needed is self-confidence from building-up personal achievements in life, however modest they might be. i take pride in battling through each day to the end of it knowing that i've done the best that i could. i push myself to achieve my objectives, sometimes much too hard. and sometimes, precisely because of that, i make mistakes. and then i have to say to myself 'ok, i got that wrong - now how do i recover this situation?'. and so i keep trying. and, by and large, i succeed more than i fail. that's what i live for - the feeling that i'm going forwards, even if most of the time i'm not quite sure where i'm actually going to. i think most people live their lives unaware of the direction that they're really taking. they look back on their past and only then can they see the path that got them where they are. life can be very unpredictable. we just don't know what's around the next corner. so, all we can ever do is try to follow our dreams and hope that they come true for us. now, it may seem that NTs are more adept at making life work for them but this is far from necessarily true. NTs want different things out of life. and they have different priorities too. an aspie that knows what they want and how to get it is, more often than not, far more focused on, or should i say obsessed by, their vision of their future. this is due to self-knowledge. and aspies actually have a lot of self-knowledge. they have to. life is such a challenge to them that it's impossible for them to get through it without thinking very deeply indeed. so, an aspie can actually have an advantage over an NT, when it comes to actually realising their dreams. it just depends on how able the aspie is in learning by their mistakes and putting their past problems behind them. and aspies, being very focused, can indeed do just that if they ultimately realise the benefits in doing so. the mistake that a lot of aspies make is thinking they have to be like NTs. and they then spend their lives trying to be someone that they're not. and, possibly, you're making that mistake. possibly you're trying to be someone that other people want you to be rather than the someone that you really are.

You are the first autistic person that said that NTs are not necessary more adept at making life work for them.
That's true i believe i must be like other people want and try to match in their opinions especially when i admire or jealous a person i think i must be like that person .
Can i ask you a question?
Do you discover who you are?
How do you know who you are?
I ask those questions cause autistic people like myself forget who they are and lost themselves in crowded ( if this is true for you too ).
You are older than me and sure more mature than me.
Autistic people they fight more often with themselves wondering why they seem broken.
Did you feel better when you learn about autism or when did you learn that you are autistic?
Because i am sure you lived wondering why you are the way you are especially if you are a woman.
Its difficult to find yourself because you have to learn how your brain works .
But its okay i dont blame others because i get angry with myself because even if i am alone i dont know how i suppose to be and i still ''hear'' the voices of others when they yell at me even when i am alone.

who i am isn't a simple question to answer. it has many layers. and i can only create my own perspective. i can't necessarily know the perspective of others. but, in essence, i know my own character very well. i think that the most important thing that i've learnt is self-acceptance. i no longer criticise myself. i'm not perfect. i could undoubtedly be better in certain areas of life. but i no longer feel the need to feel guilty about such things. this, i think, is because i know that i've suffered far too much in the past, and largely at the hands of other people. i don't need an inner critic to add to their criticisms of me. i am who i am, and i'm content with that. however, when i've tried to dig a little deeper into who i am, i've found that the i that i might think i am doesn't really exist. it's constantly changing and it's also based on the idea that there's an i and a not i, whereas the i and the not i are only an illusion created by my limited awareness. being a panenthiest, i believe in the unity of all that is.

as to how i discovered i was autistic, it was the wife of a friend and work colleague that suggested i might have AS. it took me a little while to actually come to accepting that, however, the more i read about AS the more i came to see that it actually fit me. i can't say it was any sort of a relief at the time. i used to think that ignorance was possibly preferable. now i'm not so sure about that. all i know is that i can't put the clock back and live my life again with the benefit of that knowledge.

what did meant when you said that when you tried to dig a little deeper into who you are you found that you might think you are doesn't really exist ?