Disappearing AS boyfriend...

Hello all!

I'm new here. I am NT and I have an Aspie boyfriend. I love him very much, but we face some problems lately and I would like someone's opinion as to what to do.

Let me explain. We met 4 years ago and we started a relationship right away. At the time we lived in different countries but soon I moved to his country to a city close to his for my PhD. We had amazing times together, great fun the two of us and also with friends. He has always been very respectful of me and he is a very nice person. Very smart guy and really a lovely partner. But from the beginning I had started noticing that we have a communication issue. Me, being NT and very empathic, I crave communication. I want it every day all the time if possible. That's not the case for him. He would disappear say for a couple of days and then he would come back as if everything was normal. At first I was kind of annoyed, I didn't know what to assume. Slowly I started understanding that this is how he is. I have to admit I was worried that maybe he wasn't in love with me but I got reassured that this was not the case by his actions. So I decided to pay attention to his actions and not to how often he chats with me or how often he says romantic things to me. And we've been fine. We would have the occasional "argument" (not even a real argument, more like a discussion) where I would try to explain to him how I would appreciate it if he could send me messages more often, even if it's just to send one word and he would say that he understands and he would then try to do it for a week or so and then forget it again. But the relationship overall was very nice, we never argued really, and we both said we were lucky to have found each other.

Two years ago he moved to another country so we don't see each other as often anymore. The relationship continued normally and the plan was to try and move together once I finish my PhD. Of course since we didn't see each other that often the communication became somewhat of a bigger issue but still we managed to work it out. So what would happen was that he might disappear for a couple of days and then be normal again, sometimes he wouldn't reply to my messages right away but maybe the next day etc. I'm not a great fan of this but I accepted it since I trust him and I know we have very different communication patterns. So I thought we had found an equilibrium and that we would go on like that until I finish. I forgot to mention we would meet about once every month or once every two months for about a week or so.

Around September 2016 he started telling me he was very stressed with his job and that he didn't like it so he thought about quitting. That's when he started really disappearing. At first his messages just became less and he was less talkative. I complained about it but he explained that he is just stressed. After a while, around November, he disappeared completely for more than a week, he wouldn't reply to any of my calls, messages, nothing. I was very worried, I didn't know what was going on. I thought he didn't want to be with me anymore. Finally he talked to me, he apologized and he explained he was just very stressed. I just asked from him to warn me if he need some time to himself and I would understand. Or at least if he sees that I am trying to contact him, just let me know with a short message that he doesn't want to talk right now. He said he would try but this happened again. I need to point out that this happened while I was (and still am) in the process of writing my thesis, which is very stressful and depressing and he knows that since he went through that 2 years ago. Again we talked about it and I explained how it made me feel. He apologized and he said he would try. And he kind of tried. For a while.

Meanwhile I was (and still am) going through depression for the first time in my life so you can imagine how it was scary for me. I needed him to be there for me at least with one word, nothing more, I just wanted to know he is out there. So from January to mid-February he would make some effort but still he would disappear here and there, forget to reply to my messages etc. Even when I needed some help from him he wouldn't reply sometimes. I was trying to be understanding of his situation. He had told me he was very very stressed, he was feeling lost and unsure about his future. At the same time though, my depression was hitting me again and his disappearing freaked me out. One day I had an emotional breakdown and sent him some messages telling him that he can't do this to me and that it's unfair, that I loved him and I didn't want to break up but maybe it's the only solution. After that he went completely silent for 2 weeks. Nothing. I tried to apologize when I was calm, I explained what happened to me and why I said what I said and also explained how I meant what I said, which is, that I don't want to break up with him but that I was very frustrated at the moment about the fact that he cannot be there when I need him and I briefly considered it. I asked him repeatedly during these 2 weeks if he was mad at me, if he was ok, but nothing. Finally he talked to me, he said he is in a very bad situation, he doesn't even know who he is etc. I asked him if we were ok between us and he said he doesn't know. He said he is in love with me and he misses me and he wants to see me but that at the moment he is very lost and he doesn't know anything. I was hurt of course but I tried to understand again.

After this phone call he didn't speak to me for a whole month. I didn't insist too much, I didn't pressure him or anything. I knew it was the last month of his contract so I thought it might have been very stressful for him. Then, it was my birthday. He wouldn't wish me so I was very sad. I decided to send him a text reminding him it's my birthday (because I know he forgets dates) and we got to talk a bit. He was looking for a job. He repeated that he loves me, he said he thinks he will always love me (sounds scary no?) and that his feelings towards me haven't changed but he doesn't know if we will be able to live together after my PhD and he wouldn't want me to miss any professional opportunities for him. I told him to not think about it now and that if indeed his feelings haven't changed, he should wait until we can discuss it together. He didn't reply. It's been 2 weeks now. I've sent him a few more messages, some jokes here and there or interesting links but nothing.

My question is: Should I believe him? I mean, is it possible to really have the same feelings for me but still behave like this? Is this consistent with AS or is it just him? Should I give up on him or should I be more patient? Normally I am a patient person, I want to assume the best in every situation but in this case I am wondering if I am being stupid to wait for him. Sometimes I am mad at him for leaving me alone in such a difficult period in my life but then I wonder if I am being unfair towards him, maybe he cannot do anything else right now..

Friends tell me that obviously his feelings have changed and that I should forget about him. Until now I considered him to be honest, I never got the impression that he said something he didn't mean. What I don't get is why he would reply with "I don't know" to my question if we're ok, but not have the courage to say "I don't know" when I asked if his feelings have changed. Is it possible?

I don't know. I'm sorry for the long post, I am very lost at the moment and I don't know if I should give up on him. I love him with all my heart and I don't want to lose him but I feel that he is pulling away from me and I don't understand why. Do you get something from the whole situation that I didn't get maybe?



Thank you, I hope some of you will take the time to help me a little.

this is typical aspie behaviour. when face with an apparently insurmountable problem the instinct is to turn inwards and effectively obsess about it, rather than turning outwards and seeking help. and consequently the problem becomes all-consuming. every other aspect of life is put on hold in an attempt to resolve the problem, which is often futile as no fresh perspectives are being sought from other people.

my advice is to gently find out as much as possible about his problem, so as to be able to offer support and guidance. if you can find a way for him to resolve it, undoubtedly his life will return to normal and with that your relationship with him too.

Thank you so much for your advice! It is reassuring that this is typical of Aspies. I knew they shut down sometimes but I never expected it to be for so long!

This is what I intended to do but the fact is that he doesn't want to talk about it at all. And now that he has stopped talking to me for so long and because he lives far away, I have no way of interacting with him so I cannot find out more and help him. He has also said that he doesn't want me to help him because he should go through that by himself. It hurts me that he doesn't let me help but if that's what he really needs there is nothing I can do now. I plan to propose to go visit him as soon as I finish my writing. I hope he answers me this time.

So your advice for the moment being would be to not send him any messages at all and leave him alone until he contacts me or should I send him a message from time to time to check on him or remind him I'm here, even if he doesn't reply?

He has said before that he is not bothered by my messages but I don't know if they stress him a little or if they help him at all.

if i were you, i'd just let him know that you're there for him when he wants you and let him get in touch with you when he's ready to continue this relationship with you. but there's no right or wrong way to do this. all you really need is to understand why he's behaving as he is towards you.

Thank you for your advice. It seems that this is the only real option anyway if I don't want to let it go..

I really want to understand what he's doing and I try a lot but sometimes I do have to wonder if it's that or if he lost his interest towards me. That's what is painful. If I was sure his feelings haven't changed, it would make a huge difference on how this affected me.

i can't be sure but i'd say that it's unlikely that he's lying about his feeling towards you. aspies are renown for making clean breaks when they want to. this doesn't fit that at all. my guess is that he'd tell you straight if things had changed between him and you as far as he was concerned.

I understand that no-one can know for sure apart from him. But it's reassuring, thanks. He never gave me the impression that he wouldn't tell me but in times like this (this is the first time he's doing that) I find myself wondering if I'm wrong.

Anyway, time will show I guess.. Thanks a lot for your help.

there's not much else that i can add here. just try your best to be patient and supportive when he does decide he's able to get back in touch with you. if you do that, there's nothing more that you can do, no matter what the ultimate outcome.

Hi !
I had a very similar love story with an AS man. We're recently separated but I think it would be very helpful to exchange about that for each of us. What do you think about it ? Don't hesitate to write me by private message.

Hello there. Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me when I was younger. I changed city twice, and both situations developed identically. I started fine but then I spiraled down into mental caos. When in this situation I isolated myself and dedicated to my work, to my hobbies and basically stopped social interaction. I tried going to social events but it was no use. It is like being trapped inside your head. I then went on to psichotherapy and got medication and life improved a a lot. Maybe his situation is similar to mine.