Lots of recommendations to ditch my AS boyfriend

I mentioned some things in other posts but to recap:

We are both in our 40's and parents. He isn't the best parent, can't lead, can't discipline and the effects are predictable. For whatever reason my AS has helped me parent and I work with kids in schools as well.

We've been together for 3 years or so. I don't hear, 'I love you'. I've heard it maybe twice? He forgot my birthdays until I helped him remember. He doesn't say I'm his girlfriend, he just goes along, if that makes sense.

He is more extreme in his AS than I am and is more the mechanically minded type. Very egocentric, very uncomfortable socially. Has a great job but is able to stay away from people and work remotely.

Soooo many friends, etc tell me to leave him. Sooo much advice that I deserve this or that. I love him and really enjoy his company. I feel he does love me from how he treats me but I also feel ignored and used at times.

From everything I read about AS relationships, the NT (which I'm not but for the sake of this post) feels used, ignored, hurt, and lonely. The special interests of the AS partner mean hours of self absorbedness and possibly spending lots of money on the interest as well. No thought to others. My boyfriend can be very charming and affectionate. Since I'm AS, I need lots of time alone and don't like to live with a partner so I'm worried about that.

But people around me tell me that he should have proposed by now. That I deserve a man who will commit. That I deserve a ring. When I say, 'But I didn't like being married (I'm divorced)and felt trapped living with someone', they say he should 'do right' and treat me right. By marrying me.

I'd really appreciate some help here. I know you all can't know everything but I hope I've provided some peeks into my situation. Thank you.

people follow scripts. the most common script is the 'get married and live happily ever after' one. last time i heard, the divorce rate is about 50% and second marriages are even worse. given what you say, marriage isn't for you. indeed, it's only symbolic. not everyone needs such symbols to underpin their security. so, you really shouldn't set much store by what your friends tell you. it may be their script. it doesn't have to be yours. nevertheless, i will say that if you complain to your friends, you can be sure that this is what they'll tell you. it's easy. it's not necessarily good advice for you. i'd suggest that you know what you want. you just need to have the courage of your convictions and simply ignore anyone that tells you otherwise.

I agree with the above. It's easy to give bad advice or stereotypical advice (if you're together, get married!) but the harder thing is to know your own situation and the context of your choices, and being able to trust your gut on what need be done.

If you still love him and enjoy his company and feel that he loves you, maybe ditching him would be rash? Perhaps you could talk to him about what frustrations you have and work toward some better understanding of each others' expectations of your relationship. Marriage isn't for everyone, and I feel like I have a similar disposition to you where living with a partner seems daunting. Maybe some of your friends would just love to be married and live with their partner and be around them 24/7, but then their advice to you is them projecting what *they* would like, not necessarily what will make you happiest.

shock_the_monkey wrote:people follow scripts. the most common script is the 'get married and live happily ever after' one. last time i heard, the divorce rate is about 50% and second marriages are even worse. given what you say, marriage isn't for you. indeed, it's only symbolic. not everyone needs such symbols to underpin their security. so, you really shouldn't set much store by what your friends tell you. it may be their script. it doesn't have to be yours. nevertheless, i will say that if you complain to your friends, you can be sure that this is what they'll tell you. it's easy. it's not necessarily good advice for you. i'd suggest that you know what you want. you just need to have the courage of your convictions and simply ignore anyone that tells you otherwise.

Thank you so much. You're right: the script. I really should be past this at my age.

When I was dating my now ex-husband, I took others' advice: Tell him, 'I need to know where this is going. If you can't commit, I need to move on.' Well, that got me a big ring and proposal and I thought, 'Oh no!' Because I preferred my alone time and dating. I procrastinated on the wedding planning, my family tried to hire a planner for me because I was just not completing tasks and after the wedding, I thought, 'I don't like this marriage thing at all'. But I was too scared to say so. I did what society told me was 'the best life' and what could I say? I doubted myself.

Upon marriage and living together, I couldn't do my rituals to calm myself down. I was panicked if my then husband got home from work first because I needed whatever time I could get alone. If he stayed home sick or whatever, I was so angry. Weekends meant it was even harder. I needed to have my own space to do my ways so I could be in society and pretend to be normal, as the book title references. We went to counselling, I sought lots of help and was told that I needed to change. I didn't understand why I needed so much time and space but I should have looked at my history: struggling in college until I could get my own room, didn't want to join any clubs, needed lots of time just to drive around alone if I couldn't get time alone. And as a child, I so loved when my family would leave the house.

Ten years and three kids later, we divorced. Now ten years after that, I enjoy my own home with my kids even more. It's wonderful for my sanity to have lots of alone time, separate space. Even if I just putter around the house and in my garden, my brain works better. And that benefits everyone.

I've asked myself through the years, 'What exactly is the upside of marriage?' and I'm still asking that.

I do worry at times that I'm being used, taken advantage of since as an AS woman with some mind-blindness and taking things literally, etc, I've been duped before. People around me would see that and wonder why I was so naive? Hence my post here.

I very much enjoy my boyfriend and he does a lot of things for me. Not a 'freeloader' loafing on my couch at all. His AS expressions are different from me, as I mentioned, so I get to enjoy that, too. I feel like we are so compatible because neither one of us wants to be with someone all the time. He *has to* have his hours and hours of special interest or he goes to a really bad place. I could say, 'That's so selfish, so unfair to me, you should be taking me here and there and doing things together more' but again, if I threaten that: 1. He panics because he is shamed and pressured to give up his special interests which take all day and 2. Then what? We do all this stuff together and I'm trying to escape so I can have alone time? No.

Our relationship looks unconventional and it does bring comments from family and friends but like you said, I need the courage of my convictions. To 'have a talk' about 'where is this going' and does he want to marry me and live together - yikes. I'd do that for others. Keeping the relationship CALM is a big deal for two Aspie's! I've had my major meltdowns and so has he. The more freedom and I dunno, space to find the things that keep ourselves on track, the better. Not confrontations about 'if you respected me, then you'd marry me.'

Sometimes I think the flip side of this is how lucky I am to be with a man who is AS. So many people in my life have been really frustrated with the way I don't make friends or behave in a relationship. I usually counted on my then husband to leave the house. Business travel was a godsend. I needed days and days of time and that's not really a conventional set up. It hurt his feelings and I understand that. Same with friends: just often avoid, want to control how long I'll be at something social, really uncomfortable with chit chat and I typically say something very blunt, direct that is off-putting for other(s). I have to practice a lot and prepare before social anything and I remember one of my kids asking, 'Why can't you just be yourself? Why do you rehearse and prepare?' But that's the AS way for me. Lots of situations wherein I didn't prepare and wow, did it go badly!!

Plus, my boyfriend also struggles living with others. He says he knows himself and he gets so frustrated with all sorts of things people do and noises, etc. He can't be himself, he feels. Of course, I understand! He has multiple divorces, btw.

Thank you so much again, Shock the Monkey.

warabou wrote:If you still love him and enjoy his company and feel that he loves you, maybe ditching him would be rash? Perhaps you could talk to him about what frustrations you have and work toward some better understanding of each others' expectations of your relationship. Marriage isn't for everyone, and I feel like I have a similar disposition to you where living with a partner seems daunting. Maybe some of your friends would just love to be married and live with their partner and be around them 24/7, but then their advice to you is them projecting what *they* would like, not necessarily what will make you happiest.

Yes, 'daunting'. Very true. Thank you so much for your words here. I need to think about what makes me the happiest.

Sometimes it's hard for me to know if I think something because others are thinking that. I've felt I had to pretend to fit in for so long and then had this secret life alone. Marriage forced that out of secret and I totally freaked.

I used to be called, 'eccentric', 'weird', 'from another planet', 'not like any of her peers', etc growing up and into adulthood as well. It was really tough to feel like I could assimilate into society. I didn't understand how people could live with a marriage partner and stay sane. It looked awful to me. I remember reading how Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter (now divorced) had separate (huge) homes connected by a walkway or some such thing. That seemed more doable. But I still worried about the impromptu visits afforded by a walkway. I like to know when people are coming over. I have to do my preparing and if they surprise me, I am thrown off. Neighbors have stopped by and I come off really rude. I've apologized when people have said, 'I don't know what I did to you but...' because I was just thrown off by a surprise visit. It's something I work on. Controlling my environment will probably always be a big priority but I'm better at not looking so angry and mean when someone comes to my door unexpectedly. I ignore a lot of phonecalls (hate talking on the phone) and knocks at the door. I'm always regretting social commitments like, 'Ugh, why did I say I would go to this?'

Since I have my own experience of a decade of marriage and it's probably not just, 'well, when you marry the right person', then I can likely say it's not for me. I don't want to live together, don't want to combine finances, don't want to do any of it! I guess we are fortunate to live in a modern time when we can choose.

Thank you very much for your thoughts and advice!! It is great to hear someone else finds the thought 'daunting', warabou. I very nearly confronted my boyfriend last night about all this, using someone else's words but refrained after reading here. That meant we had a lovely night together. It seems kind not to pressure human beings. I know it's old school advice to give ultimatums and lots in the culture is about, 'get that guy to commit! if he's a real man, he will...' Just seems less than compassionate to treat another person that way. Expecting someone made the bad guy and enemy to be motivated to promise forever together. I don't see humans responding well to that.

I have been on the internet searching for months to find something similar to my situation and when I read your post it was like I was reading my very own feelings.I am 23 years old and have two small children.I too feel the way you do but i was a little more extreme because of my own mental health issues.I didn't know much on why he was so stand offish and being a young women just coming into my own and being a single mother I had some major insecurities from my past. I thought he was cheating on me.I kept thinking something was wrong with me and i stared accusing him all the time.I know it has put a huge stress on our relationship but I really want to stop feeling this way. I love this man with all my heart and soul. But he says belittling things to me with out even realizing how blunt and mean it sounds with this on top of being stand offish and never showing me the attention i crave from only him.I feel lonely a lot of the time and I take care of the kids mostly alone everyday.I let him work since he makes the most money and can work from home.But I feel like I am putting my goals and dreams on hold and praying that he really loves me.I know dumb. everyone tells me to leave him but they also dont understand AS.I dont know what i would do with out him.Even though we are around each other all the time its like we never spent any time actually together if you get what I am saying.He has never gotten me anything on any holiday except maybe once in the very beginning. I want to feel like a sexy woman again. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now.He has never been diagnosed but we both know "WE" have it he has it.4 post.And he doesn't want to go to the doctors cause he feels that it may make him worse.My heart aches everyday over this and i feel so confused. Basically all I really want to figure out is if its just his AS or is that just an excuse cause i messed everything up by accusing him so harshly or if hes using his As just as an excuse to hurt me without trying to hurt my feelings.It has gotten to the point were we go long periods with out having sex.whats going on?

mombrittany1 wrote:I have been on the internet searching for months to find something similar to my situation and when I read your post it was like I was reading my very own feelings.I am 23 years old and have two small children.I too feel the way you do but i was a little more extreme because of my own mental health issues.I didn't know much on why he was so stand offish and being a young women just coming into my own and being a single mother I had some major insecurities from my past. I thought he was cheating on me.I kept thinking something was wrong with me and i stared accusing him all the time.I know it has put a huge stress on our relationship but I really want to stop feeling this way. I love this man with all my heart and soul. But he says belittling things to me with out even realizing how blunt and mean it sounds with this on top of being stand offish and never showing me the attention i crave from only him.I feel lonely a lot of the time and I take care of the kids mostly alone everyday.I let him work since he makes the most money and can work from home.But I feel like I am putting my goals and dreams on hold and praying that he really loves me.I know dumb. everyone tells me to leave him but they also dont understand AS.I dont know what i would do with out him.Even though we are around each other all the time its like we never spent any time actually together if you get what I am saying.He has never gotten me anything on any holiday except maybe once in the very beginning. I want to feel like a sexy woman again. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now.He has never been diagnosed but we both know "WE" have it he has it.4 post.And he doesn't want to go to the doctors cause he feels that it may make him worse.My heart aches everyday over this and i feel so confused. Basically all I really want to figure out is if its just his AS or is that just an excuse cause i messed everything up by accusing him so harshly or if hes using his As just as an excuse to hurt me without trying to hurt my feelings.It has gotten to the point were we go long periods with out having sex.whats going on?

... it would be better if you were to create your own thread rather than camping onto this one. that way you'd avoid any confusion as to who's issue is being addressed.

shock_the_monkey wrote:... it would be better if you were to create your own thread rather than camping onto this one. that way you'd avoid any confusion as to who's issue is being addressed.

Agreed, but since she's posted as she feels so similar to the Op, it would be nice to leave this one in here, so Op can respond if she'd like to.. nothing quite like chatting to someone that's been through a similar experience.

mombrittany, please do feel free to start your own thread as well if you'd like to.. you're likely to get more responses as well.


I'll respond a little while I'm here though;

Are you sure he's got AS? Because much of what you describe here, could easily be of someone that just doesn't care, and doesn't give you any sign of affection at all. I'm not saying he doesn't have AS by any means, but from what you've said, and the fact that he's not got an official diagnosis, I'd like to explore any other possibilities as well.
There are other disorders that can mimic AS to a really high degree.. and it's really important to figure out whether he genuinely does have AS, or whether he's allowing you to believe he does because it gives him a free pass for his difficult behaviour towards you.

Tell me a little about his behaviour.. what's he like socially? can he be sociable and good with people when he wants to be? (ie; when meeting new people etc)
Any obsessive/really strong interests?
Clumsy at all?

What was he like as a child? does he have many friends?


didto;

I'm glad you've found everyones thoughts and advice helpful (:

It sounds like underneath the worries about what society and peers are saying is 'normal' and should happen, you've actually got a pretty strong relationship there xx

seabreezeblue wrote:

shock_the_monkey wrote:... it would be better if you were to create your own thread rather than camping onto this one. that way you'd avoid any confusion as to who's issue is being addressed.

Agreed, but since she's posted as she feels so similar to the Op, it would be nice to leave this one in here, so Op can respond if she'd like to.. nothing quite like chatting to someone that's been through a similar experience.

... i've not seen didto post here for a while. i might have been a bit firm in some of my advice to her in another thread.

shock_the_monkey wrote:

seabreezeblue wrote:

shock_the_monkey wrote:... it would be better if you were to create your own thread rather than camping onto this one. that way you'd avoid any confusion as to who's issue is being addressed.

Agreed, but since she's posted as she feels so similar to the Op, it would be nice to leave this one in here, so Op can respond if she'd like to.. nothing quite like chatting to someone that's been through a similar experience.

... i've not seen didto post here for a while. i might have been a bit firm in some of my advice to her in another thread.

Not seen anything over firm, but I'm not emotionally involved in the events under discussion, and it feels quite personal when it's your own life doesn't it.
Hopefully didto will be back soon and be able to explain if you came across as anything other than helpful xx