Need Advice about my son

Hello, new around here. Okay, so where do I begin, my son is 10 years old. He's always been developmentally delayed in lots of areas, mainly speech and language and motor skills, I never really thought much into it, and he's being so drastically better over the years as he's grown up. Now, the only thing over the past few years that's changed, is his behavior, he's become aggressively intense, mean, yelling, violent outbursts, out of nowhere, I believe it's when he gets over stimulated, he can't help it, and so in return, he lashes out.

He has seen a therapist and a doctor, who keep just writing off that he has ADHD, which I do believe that he does have, but as far as his behavior, I don't associate that with his ADHD one bit. He has alot of anxiety and worries about things, and change, if you change something in his life or routine, it's so hard to get him adjusted for some time. He feels drawn from his peers, like he tries to have friends, but it's like they don't want to and he doesn't understand why. I honestly feel like at times, he doesn't quite understand that some things you can't say or react to towards other kids isn't really what you do, he's very friendly and a sweet kid, but I don't think he understands what he's doing when he's around other kids, or that he's overstepping their personal space.

I'm just looking for answers, I love my son with all my heart, but when he lashes out at school, or at home, it's just not him, like he's a whole another child that I don't even know, and he feels bad about it, but almost like he can't control his emotions and what he's doing and afterwards, he regrets it. I'm so exhausted with getting run arounds for an answer and always only being told he has ADHD and then throwing him on meds and sending him on his way and then it happens all over again. I need input, I am really starting to believe that he is an AS child, but what do I do to get that determined and do you feel I'm correct in believing so that he is an AS child?

when someone tells you that your child has a certain condition, they're using this to describe how that condition presents itself, rather than describing the underlying cause of the condition. this is, quite simply, because they don't know the underlying cause of the condition. consequently, it's quite possible to get various and even multiple diagnoses, even though it's the same condition. candidly, your child may well have some degree of PDD (pervasive development disorder), however, it's clear that this is not being recognised because he presents strongly as ADHD. you may, therefore, struggle to get this aspect of how he presents recognised. also, even if you did, it may not significantly improve his treatment.

from what i know of ADHD, it has been linked to dietary issues, in particular processed foods containing additives. eliminating these from the diet, whilst replacing them with more nutritious foods, can make significant improvements in behaviour.

When you say 'throwing him on meds', is your son currently on meds?

I agree regarding dietary issues. Also, mineralization or lack thereof. For me, my AS symptoms (and ADHD) have been helped tremendously by EFAs and Lithium Orotate. And, Transcendental Meditation but that may sound odd.

I have a son who is older and exhibits/exhibited many of the expressions you describe in your son. From a philosophical point of view, you never know who you will give birth to! I learn a lot from my kids. Further, no one is likely to give a damn about your son the way you do. No disrespect to 'professionals' but you are going to the mat for him and if you are unsatisfied, maybe stop asking the same types. That's not to be harsh at all although an AS symptom is bluntness so I can be very direct.

You won't prove anything to these types by repeating and if they see him only one way and you feel in your spirit that there are multiple/other/deeper issues going on, you have to follow that even though you don't know where that will lead. Professionals show their education and training. I try not to avail myself to people who do not have skills/tools I want. Therefore, I don't disrespect their position nor expertise. I simply recognize they have nothing to offer me so I do not go to them.

The less your son has in his medical record, the better, imho. And, it's important he doesn't feel like a 'problem' or someone to be fixed. NOT saying you're doing that. But kids are super smart and if they are put in front of this doctor and that expert, they can feel like there are inherently damaged. I know as a mom I can be so zealous about helping my child that I do not walk in their shoes and have made some significant mistakes.

I work with special ed kids and sometimes it's all I can do is make sure their shoes are consistently tied so they don't trip. Or listen to them tell me near endlessly about canons or ships or games, whatever they are super into at the moment. Your son sounds very accomplished so I'm not saying he's like these kids. But it's been a help to me to relax, do what I can and I find that meltdowns end sooner when I'm not anxious about it. That doesn't mean uncaring or letting everything go to pot. It means they know I'm in control of myself and unmoved.

i deliberately side-stepped the issue of medication because, on this forum, i'm not allowed to tell you not to give them to your son. that said, i can tell you that as his legal guardian you can refuse to allow him to take medication if you believe it's detrimental to his health. i don't know enough specifically about ADHD medication to say which may do more harm than good, however, i know enough about medication in general to recognise it as a last, not first, resort. there are always side effects. and i also know that AS, which is your concern here, can't be medicated, though i believe some health professionals do anyway.

didto wrote:When you say 'throwing him on meds', is your son currently on meds?

I agree regarding dietary issues. Also, mineralization or lack thereof. For me, my AS symptoms (and ADHD) have been helped tremendously by EFAs and Lithium Orotate. And, Transcendental Meditation but that may sound odd.

I have a son who is older and exhibits/exhibited many of the expressions you describe in your son. From a philosophical point of view, you never know who you will give birth to! I learn a lot from my kids. Further, no one is likely to give a damn about your son the way you do. No disrespect to 'professionals' but you are going to the mat for him and if you are unsatisfied, maybe stop asking the same types. That's not to be harsh at all although an AS symptom is bluntness so I can be very direct.

You won't prove anything to these types by repeating and if they see him only one way and you feel in your spirit that there are multiple/other/deeper issues going on, you have to follow that even though you don't know where that will lead. Professionals show their education and training. I try not to avail myself to people who do not have skills/tools I want. Therefore, I don't disrespect their position nor expertise. I simply recognize they have nothing to offer me so I do not go to them.

The less your son has in his medical record, the better, imho. And, it's important he doesn't feel like a 'problem' or someone to be fixed. NOT saying you're doing that. But kids are super smart and if they are put in front of this doctor and that expert, they can feel like there are inherently damaged. I know as a mom I can be so zealous about helping my child that I do not walk in their shoes and have made some significant mistakes.

I work with special ed kids and sometimes it's all I can do is make sure their shoes are consistently tied so they don't trip. Or listen to them tell me near endlessly about canons or ships or games, whatever they are super into at the moment. Your son sounds very accomplished so I'm not saying he's like these kids. But it's been a help to me to relax, do what I can and I find that meltdowns end sooner when I'm not anxious about it. That doesn't mean uncaring or letting everything go to pot. It means they know I'm in control of myself and unmoved.

I more so just feel like, instead of actually looking into everything throughly, that doctors just diagnose him with ADHD, and then automatically throw a script down and then they are done. That's it, they've magically found the answer and the solution. I'm currently in the process of finding another doctor for another opinion, I want to be sure, I want no mistakes made here.

Just, I myself grew up having ADHD, but the aggression, anger, mood swings, that my son is experiencing and being is way too out of a character for a child that has ADHD. I also know that he exhibits social anxiety, I am slowly working on helping him with that, it's hard, especially when I too have the same issue. And I get exactly what you mean, I don't want him to ever feel like a problem, because he's not, we know he's a very, sweet and bright boy, just there's something in there that's taking that away from him, and I want him to be better, to not always feel bad about this or the strong regret of his outbursts.

Thanks for the additional info. Did you take meds for your ADHD? Also, what has helped you be successful with ADHD? Do you consider you still have this condition? If you have learning from your experience, I would think this is applicable to your son. Do you think so?

Shock the Monkey makes excellent points, as usual.

I'm not clear whether your son has been on medication or is currently medicated.

As far as your son 'not feeling bad about his outbursts, I guess I'd question that. If he is feeling badly/regret, can this be explored? If *he* wants to be different, then perhaps that is the best indicator of next steps in this situation? This is outside of 'child should do xyz, should not do xyz'. It's his feelings and imho, should be acknowledged and supported. If this occurs at 8:30pm at night, in the privacy of your home and you can have a frank conversation with him, then what does a therapist/psychiatrist/et al mean anything in those moments? To me, that's what life learning is: safety of trusted persons toward authentic self expression. If something went badly and your son wants to see a different outcome, then awesome!

My son is older, as I said, so my challenges are different. For example, if there is an extended family dinner and he very much does not want to attend and 'hates' the food served, I have a choice. I can force him to go and be anxious as he can easily sabotage the event by refusing to eat, criticizing everything and launching into a detailed description of something like the human eye (one of his passions). As I watch guests cover their ears and say, 'Ew, stop, so gross!', I'll wonder why I forced him to attend. On the other hand, I can invite him to go, say that I would love to have him there, and leave it up to him. School is mandatory, so is hygiene and other things but a dinner is not. I could brag and say that I'm a great parent because I made him go, made him learn how to interact 'appropriately' but I've learned I have to let people be.

The irony is that I *love* interacting with people who are socially awkward, have a single obsession that they talk about incessantly and are actively rebelling against small talk and societal norms. Maybe it's good that my son has me a mom. But I also know that lots of people don't feel the way I do and freak out when someone like my son is being himself. It's a balance and near endless judgement calls. Sometimes he can do really well in social situations and no one would know his struggles. Other times, it's asking too much to put him in situations where he is bound to act out and only alienate himself through proving that everyone is wrong.

Maybe it's also because I grew up with relatives who were quirky and we just regarded them as 'having a moment' when meltdowns happened. I don't mean to diminish an individual's suffering at all. I've had my own outbursts and absolutely ridiculous behaviors. I wasn't in a good place in those times and I certainly appreciate those who hung in there with me and didn't kick me to the curb.

i'll add a bit more to this. you obviously feel that your son's current diagnosis of ADHD alone is inadequate. equally obviously, you could spend your time seeking other diagnoses until someone agrees with you. alternatively, you could question the aspects of your son's behaviour that you believe don't fit ADHD with those that have diagnosed him with ADHD. perhaps there are reasons that these aspects are apparently being ignored by them. one obvious factor here is that, being 10 years old, he's currently going through puberty. i could well imagine that this might account for some of the differences that you see in him. whatever the truth of the matter here, it's the support that he needs that's critical. if he's not getting that support because of a mis-diagnosis, that's something that needs addressing. however, i think you need a clearer idea of what support might benefit him, rather than assuming that if his diagnosis were correct, that support would simply fall into place. to that ends, if you feel that you're getting nowhere with the medical profession, perhaps you should try harder with the educational authority. possibly a better understanding of his needs will bring a shift in his diagnosis anyway, and more easily than shifting his diagnosis to better suit his needs.