Need some advices about a love story with an AS

Hi,
thanks a lot your advices, It helped me a lot. I made you an answer but it didn't work and I was busy and moves this last few weeks... so i'm reading again today.
I've decided to leave him. I had not other solution, it was too hard for me to wait and not to know what to expect. He answered me that he would be at my door one day and never leave my side again, that he really tried and he was crushed, he hoped and sweared. And to finish that he will always loves me. You can imagine how distraught I was. I've been silent during a week. I was very sad. And I sent him a message to relate him a fantasy I had in my return plane. I imagined him and I, happy together. And I thought and thouht to understand. I was quite sure he was commitment phobic but I had two options : I'm definitely powerless ( it's a serious problem) or I sent him a message to propose him to try again with me, step by step, if he promises to really try and to be aware of his phobia. I wrote a long message today to explain my point of view and to propose him to try again if he really wants to commit little by little. I proposed him a link about commitment phobia. I hope he will answer me because I have no news at the moment ( it's been 10 days that he sent me his last message). What do you think about my decision ?

this is going to be quick, because i'm using the wi-fi on a bus.

i think that you're pushing him away in the hope that he'll chase you harder. i don't think it'll work. i think he'll get the impression that you're not really interested and give up. and that's not what you really want. that's why i said not to do anything hasty. it's difficult to repair such damage once it sets in. the trust goes.

i have to post this now, before i loose the wi-fi connection.

Hi,
thanks again.
I realize that it will be quite impossible. He will certainly never answer me. I'm very sad but I've got my own psychology with its problematics and I've done all I could to do the best. I'm really honest and I made a lot efforts too. I can't be an other person. Maybe the challenge was impossible for me. Even with a deep love, sometimes things are impossible and I have to accept it. I always thought that love could do everything. I was wrong. It shatters me a lot but it's an existence's ordeal I have to overcome. I'm so disappointed... Time will pass and one day, I will get better.

i'm glad that you've made a decision. you've obviously given it a lot of thought. i hope that it's the right one for you.

Hi
I was too distraught without any contact with him and I thought again a lot about our story and my conclusion was that I was not ready to end up it. So I proposed him to go step by step with the idea that I need to feel that he really commits in the relationship. I asked him to take time to think of my proposal. We are again in contact but I have no answer at the moment. He is very happy to exchange again. And I feel really loved, in his way... But in the same time I m sometimes dishearten because I miss him a lot and I don t know if I could be enough patient. When I read some testimonies about relationship with as, I get worst. Il seems so difficult. But I really love him and I want to give us a luck. Which behavior should I have ? How to know if he will decide one day to live near me? Isn t it a madness bet ? He told me that he knows I understand him. But he seems so scared about every commitment... I need support to succeed.
He is a very nice person but ignore all the " manners " without which a relationship is impossible. Even if he makes efforts.
Thanks for your answer and sorry to be so undecided.

Sounds like a difficult relationship. I hope the two of you can come to an agreement. Along term relationship with someone from out of town wouldn't work for me.

as i've said, this really is a matter of accepting what's on offer and being satisfied with that or finding something better with someone else. you can't change people. you can't make them be what you want them to be. it just doesn't work like that. i had a relationship that just didn't work out, and whilst i miss it i also know it wasn't going anywhere and never would. i was doing all the giving, and i ended up feeling used and abused. so, for me that's over now. i'll never believe it was going to be alright in the end. i let it go on much too long. i should have ended it earlier. but i guess i just wanted to be sure there was really nothing there. that's where you seem to be at, to me. you're just making sure that it won't work.

Thanks very much for your messages. Yes, it is difficult and I have no solution. And certainly, i need to be sure that it won t work to avoid regret. I don t want to change him, i love his personality, I only tell him that there is no relationship without any commitments. He has to accept me in his world, my feelings, my need of liberty which is prevented by his unexpected behavior. We need common rules in a relation, even in a friendship one. I think if he doesn t reach this basis, he could never have a relationship with anybody.
He thinks a lot and we have regular contact since one week. I m waiting and trying to be patient. I m not naive and know that maybe it will never work. At the moment, i need a kind of coaching to succeed to wait

there has to be a reason for him to change. i'll guess that he doesn't see any such reason. i'll further guess that he'll be more than happy to let things continue as they have done. and that'll leave you feeling unfulfilled. there's a time for waiting and a time for decisions. i think, for you, the time for waiting is over. you need to make a decision. do you continue to live like this or do you get on with your own life and hope for something better in the future?

It's a very sensible message. Thanks. Of course, I have to decide, of course the hope is very thin... And, no doubt that I've been already patient. But, I tried to stop and I was so sad, I can't stand the idea at the moment to be separated from him for the rest of my life. And If it was right that he just needs time ? I would try but, yes, I'm scared. And yes, I know it's not safe and wise. There is a such mountain to climb.
And concerning his point of view, I would like to believe that I'm important in his life. He was very sad when I chose to break up. And he seems happy and comforted to be again in contact with me. Maybe, I could be a chance for him to get better in his life... He told me that when he tried to think about other things to avoid pain, he always concluded that I was the only important thing in his life. And he fantasizes to live with me in my flat. Maybe, he needs to get used to the idea to be with me.
I don't know how to progress, I have to be cautious with my words use. He is very sensitive. He seems to be more present since one week and to think a lot. Sometimes, I'm aware that I'm waiting for a miracle but... Well, I don't understand why I'm in a such situation but, in the same time, this love story is so uncommon and strong... I can't imagine a bad will from him... Maybe I'm completly wrong, yes maybe... If there were just one sign which informed me that he is not honest, my decision would be so easier. Is it possible that I am in a complete delusion ?