Need some advices about a love story with an AS

Hi,
I need some advices or, at least, persons to talk about my relationship with a presupposed aspie man. I think he is undiagnosed, he never told me about that disorder. I thought about that possibility exhanging with a friend who had hear about it. This hypothesis helps me to explain a lot of things. I met this man on the web by accident, I was in a speaking platform in order to learn better english and he spoke to me. Very quickly, we had a good feeling and we had a lot of things to exchange. He was very enthousiastic in his word, saying that I really was his type and thinking I was an uncommon woman. But, since the beginning, he desappeared sometimes, without a word. He was less and less available. Nevertheless, as the relationship works quite well, I proposed him to have a real meeting in order to go out this virtual relationship. He felt hesitant, but finally we met together. It was just wonderful excepted some weird attituds from him. He prefered to sleep at his hostel the first night, he was always in the bathroom to wash him. He was a bit awkward with endearment and he decided some very important things in the last minute without consider my view.
He comes from far from me, 4 hours by plane, and he travels a lot. He doesn't work ( I mean as a subsistence work) and he tries to find a place to live exploiring the whole word. It's been 6 months that I know him and he crossed no less than ten coutries in each parts of the world.
I met him two times again, and it confirmed how we were very close. We had a really great time even if we are very different psychological speaking. We've got a lot of common interests and it was very easy to live together for a couple of days, what I didn't imagine, him neither. He told me that it was the first time that he lived something as strong, he is a bit scared about what he feels and he thinks of me a lot. He asked me to be patient and he will visit me soon, on the late june. Even if I'm learning a lot about asperger syndrom which can help me sometimes to understand, I'm often sad and I cry, I feel alone and can't stand the distance he makes. I know that he makes a lot of efforts because he was alone and celebacy during nine years ( he is 39). He sends me a message rather regularly but there is no information in. He just tells me that he miss me and he finds me beautiful, wonderful, that i'm the lovliest and sweetest person he has ever met. But it's very rare when we exchange directly in writting or by call. It's very hard for me not to know where he is, what he does, he never discloses his stuffs. Sometimes, I think that I have to stop this relationship because it's impossible for me to be quiet and happy but I think I would be shattered to break up. I know he will not change and I accept his difference but can I expect that the relationship evolves ? I can't stand to be sad because I'm usually a very happy person. I tried to leave him two months ago but he was very sad and beg me to let him time. He couldn't imagine not seeing me again. I chose to continue and I didn't regret because we had really wonderful time together. But now, i'm a bit lost. Thanks for your advices or ideas to feel better and to chose the right solution!

i think you need to recognise what your problem really is first. from what you say, it isn't that he has AS, it's that you're in what's termed a long distance relationship. these kind of relationships nearly always put a strain on people. indeed, they seldom work out. unless, the circumstances of your relationship change, that is you find ways to share more time, you'll likely remain unfulfilled.

Hi
Thanks for this answer, it s exactly what i need: some advices which help me to change my perspective. I agree that a such relationship is unfulfilled whatever the person we love. But i m somebody independent and i think that if I received only some messages every two days and a call one time a week, it would be much easier. But maybe as AS he doesn t need to be in contact, he says that he has strong memories and it s enough for him just thinking of the good time... Is it a typical AS behavior or maybe it s a sign of a lack of interest ?
I think quite surely that I will not continue if we don t decide to get closer but how much time i have to be patient ? I don t want to put pressure on him. In fact, it s difficult to know what falls within AS psychology and what is the measure of his feeling. Hard to know...
I hope my english is enough clear. Thanks for your help !

i think you need to appreciate that people that have AS can be very self-sufficient. they learn that from being unable to relate to others. they don't need a lot of social contact. indeed, i think it would be fair to say that they don't really appreciate the value of social contact. if you had a relationship with him that involved regular direct involvement, that wouldn't be so apparent. but, because you don't, you're finding it hard to cope with a level of intimacy that isn't adequate for you. possibly you can initiate more contact with him, however, you'll likely resent that eventually. or you can accept that this is the way he is and try to get more fulfilment out of other aspects of your life. i think it's important for you to understand that he's telling you the truth. he really can live in the way he describes to you. and he doesn't need to hear from you all the time to hold you in his heart. possibly, if you put any doubts about that out of your mind, you'll feel a little happier.

Your answer is very helpful, thanks again.
I can accept that he is self sufficient even if I think he misses out something good for him. I'm sure he needs me ( as I need him) but he doesn't realize that...
The main problem is that it seems to be impossible to agree about the terms of the relationship. He never answers my questions and he never gives me any explanations, I have everything to imagine. I follow a lot of advices readen on the web like to be really clear in my request and I told him what is good for me and what hurts me ( with list and table ) . He seems to ignore it. How a relationship would run without this basis to know how to react ? I asked him to inform me if he needs to rest, to be alone, to work and just tell me that he is not available for me. No way... The relationship can't progress if he doesn't help me a bit. He often desappears without a word, sometimes he cuts the discussion without warning and suddenly, he is more present and pressing. He is entirely unexpected. I think to be quiet in a relationship we need to understand how it works. It's just anarchical.
How to trigger a reaction from him ? Is there something which could make him react without afraid him ? Maybe he is too scared and he prefers to tell him that he is uncapable to honor this wonderful meeting ( because there are a lot of very nice things between us)...
I need to understand his position to make the good choice for me...

i can only guess that he doesn't realise how he affects you. my guess is that the parts of your relationship that do work are as accidental as the parts that don't work. you're effectively trying to get someone that's colour-blind to see the world in colour. he just can't do it. possibly his sudden changes in behaviour are an indication of his frustration. possibly you need to try less to change him. that may indeed mean the relationship doesn't progress in the way you want. but it sounds unlikely that it will anyway. you're doing everything you can to make yourself understood already. so, i think you need to decide whether what you've got is worth your while keeping or not.

i've been scratching my head trying to think of what else i can tell you. i think you should try to remember what it was that attracted you to this relationship in the first place. at the moment you're focused too much on what it's not rather than what it is. also, try to take small steps forward rather than giant leaps. and try not to be disappointed when they don't work. my feeling is that you'll regret letting this go. that's why you're trying so hard. but, in fact, you're trying too hard and it's making things worse for you not better.

It's so nice of you to help me like this!
Reading your first answer today was a bit disturbing, all you said is releavant, no doubt. I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt me and he doesn't realize how it affects me. A sentence of you was very illuminating for me : "you're effectively trying to get someone that's colour-blind to see the world in colour" whereas I think I make all I can to understand who he is. But it's absolutly right, I have to accept definitly that he doesn't act in the same way as I do. So what to do ?
My feelings are very changing. This afternoon, I decided to drop it. I thought that I won't be able to stand a such relationship. And it would be better to give it up without a word ( I've already all explained him). And now, I feel different. I conclude that maybe I've got a problem of emotionally dependency. Because, even if the situation is quite hard to live, my reactions are disproportionated. It makes me too sad, too anxious and i'ts impossible for me to think straight. At least, both ways, it's almost impossible for me to live this relationship quietly. I understood that I ve got to change because he won't. But my own psychology demands me to be reassured and it's when I'm in confidence that I can be independent. But to be in confidence, I need a lot of evidences and i'ts impossible for him to offer me that. It's a circle. But, yes, I'm very attached to this meeting because it's just incredible and so lyrical. Moreover, it's my personality to fight to succeed in doing what is really important for me. I'm persistent but I have to confess that it's exhausted me to fight alone ( not really cause i've got a lot of advices . Well, like he said : I have to be patient ( or I have to leave him but he didn't tell me that). But being patient for what ? What I have to expect ?

i think he brings something to your life that you didn't have before. i think that you'd miss that something if it were gone. what you have to hope for is the continuance of that something. it may not be everything that you want but it's better than not having it at all. perhaps, in time, you'll see this more clearly. perhaps other aspects of your life will provide you with the fulfilment you currently lack. your despair is because you doubt such possibilities. your mind is making this into an 'all or nothing' situation. it doesn't have to be that way. you can have from this what there is for you and still look for whatever is missing without loosing everything. we can only ever live with what we have in the present moment. if we reject that, we're rejecting all we have for something we don't have. if we turn that around and replace rejection with acceptance we leave ourselves open to accepting more opportunities as they arise in our lives. that's the hope. you hope that, just as this opportunity came your way, others will too if you let them.

Thanks a lot for your fine thought.
All this seems so clear this morning. My personality usually doesn't know nuances... and for that reason I can live some extraordinary moments but in the same time I'm too often disappointed. I will try to be wiser and to have distance even if sometimes it's impossible to overcome strong emotions, I have to accept it and definitly to be patient. I'm not unhappy, I have a lot of things to be satisfied with.
He is silent at the moment, it's been ten days that I've just received some short and each 3 days messages. It's a sort of training for me. I think I have not to read into this silence a lack of interest or a sign of a break-up ( If i'm right about him). I try to be silent too and not to send him messages, at least for a week. And I will see. I don't know what i'm looking for and it's a trouble period. It's the better time to think and to doubt in order to make better choices.
If i'm honest with myself, I think that this relationship could only be possible for me if he chose to take place in a town near me or if he proposed me to live somewhere with him for a while ( as he is looking for a place to live). Maybe, I have to let him time but with a deadline for me. But I don't know what is sensible... It's difficult to know what I want because when I'm with him, everything is obvious but the distance he puts between us during his absence makes me too venerable to forseeing myself doing something with him...