I hate my life

*sigh* Oh boy. Opening up a real can of worms here

All my life I have been misunderstood. By who? EVERYBODY. Most of all, my parents. I'd run through a lot of stuff in my life that I've either been told I've taken it out of context, "just give us the benefit of the doubt and don't assume we wanna hurt you" kinda bull, or even just complete refusal to understand, but I'm trying to work past all that poisonous garbage. Instead, I shall tell you what happened just today that makes me wanna punch the wall and wail into the night.

I am a 21 year old woman with Aspergers, along with other mental stuff, and a moderate hearing loss. All through my life until my adult years that everything that was wrong with me was because of said hearing loss, and should be disregarded since "we know what's causing it." Well, I turn 18, and something sparks that says it's more than just the hearing. Blah blah blah, not relevant. I've finally moved out at the beginning of this year, and I have to say, while it's moderately stressful, I'm feeling much better than I was while living with my parents. (I'm not totally free from them, but I'll get to that)

Every now and again I have to come back for various reasons, and that's well and good. The doggies are all happy to see me, I miss the weather, nostalgia for a majority of me growing up, but the things that totally sell me on staying away from here are: my family (mostly my little bro) constantly make noise/interrupt what I'm doing, and I can't stand that; they don't care if I was pausing something I was doing to listen to them; I can't tell them (mostly my mom) to lower the volume on the tv so I can listen to what I'm watching because she'll tell me she'll have the tv up as loud as she wants. And, worst of all, there is this constant air of judgement around them; and I'm too conditioned against it to tell them about it. I grew up with the mantra "Respect your Parents" drilled into me. That's fine, it's just that I'm 21, TWENTY FREAKING ONE, and they treat me like a child.

Worse yet, I cannot find a job. I'm trying my very hardest, but I just can't seem to land one. If I get an interview, I'm always turned down. As such, my parents pay my rent. It's not much, 200 or so a month, but I really should be the one paying it. They never cease to tell me that paying my rent is hurting them, and that if I really was trying as hard as I say I am, I would have a job by now. They told me I could come back home for the summer, but guess what I decided not to do. And they wonder why... To be honest, I'd rather face the unrelenting heat of where I live than to come back and face the unrelenting judgement and disappointment that is the family household. (Along with the never ending spiel of noise that refuses to quiet)

They don't have what I do; they don't understand the mental torture I walk around with every day. They don't understand that I have to sometimes summon up all my strength just to get out of bed. They don't understand that I get so exhausted trying to please them that any time to myself is called lazy. I've felt several times that if I just walked out on their life, be it death or disowning, that their life would be so much better.

As for what went down today, I was getting ice for my water bottle. I scooped it up with my hands, and thus I was trying to get it in the bottle as soon as possible. My mom asked me to, when I get back to the table, to close the blinds that were next to it since the sun was getting in her face. As she said it, I was close to putting the ice in. She was taking a long time to explain what she wanted, and by now my hands are starting to sting from the cold. I ask mom to wait a little bit, since I had ice in my hands. She said she didn't care, and that I should be able to do two things at once. I told her I couldn't, and she said that was bad. That made me mad, but I've learned better than to get in an argument with her; I never win. I told her that I wanted to make sure I didn't mishear her. I live with HEARING LOSS lady! And so do you! You should know the struggle! I've misheard you in the past and got you irritated! I was TRYING to prevent that, thank you very much!

I also recently had an interview with Winco, a miracle in and of itself. I just got an email saying they are not interested in me. I tell my parents that, and today my mom says she doesn't believe I even had an interview and that she's sure the email doesn't exist. I puled out my phone and corrected her right there. Self-entitled, narrow minded, thick headed, pig brained, little queen. If I could tell you everything that I think of you right now, I'd probably regret it later but oh boy would it be relieving.

Needless to say, I feel like a leech sucking away at everything I touch. Rant over