Aspie here...am i psychopath? *may trigger*

So...sorry for long post but i thought id post my history online and see of i get anything informative back among the inevitable trolling lol so here goes...

So i just wanted to share some of my history in the hopes of getting some clarification on what im suffering from. The main causes of me becoming like this are abuse/bullying i think. No need to say im a monster i think that is plain to see lol...still this is one part of my personality the healthy part is very likeable and makes people laugh all the time. Its just theres some real dark things inside sometimes.

So firstly im fairly big...6'1 fairly broad, which means apart from an abusive relationship all my bullying/abuse has been verbal/emotional. Still bullying etc leaves you feeling powerless/worthless irespective of its type. I have a friend whose skull was fractured when he was 8 by his dad so i do feel quite lucky in that ive never been beaten etc.

So i got to 27, fairly intact, i had lost my mind due to stress etc become delusional and lost my mind but i was mostly sane,I wasnt on medication etc. Still i got paranoid people were watching me and use to give other males really angry stares if i felt threatened...which happened fairly often.

I was hostile to other people on and off depending on how i felt. I guess people said things that upset me, i am probably more sensitive than most males...i deffinetly was back then.

So at this time im at uni, im 26-27 and fairly sane lol.

My first serious relationship started out like the best thing that had ever happened to me, we sat outside holding each other watching the stars etc....amazing....then i got depressed from burning out at university (they had to put me on anti depressants). Sometimes when you get depressed you push people away...i pushed my gf away...i think that really hurt her, then progressively over the next year and a half the relationship got physically and verbally abusive.

I would playfully wrestle her and she would really hurt me, eg she kicked me in the spine so hard i couldnt move for several seconds, clawed at me until she drew blood. She would insult me, say i wasnt a man and on and on it went. Until i believed her and was very emasculated. I could of hurt and retaliated physically but i loved her. If you love someone they can abuse you and you wont want to hurt them back. I didnt understand why she wanted to hurt me so much, i couldnt hurt someone i loved that much.

So i behaved passive agressively getting back at her in other ways. So sometimes we were nasty other times a loving couple. I dont blame this girl that much i guess....i started the relationship down a bad path when i became cold due to my depression. She was abused as a child so two people messed up together isnt great as you can imagine. Still we get on now as friends and still care about eachother. I cant blame her for being messed up due to abuse as you will see...

Not been in a serious relationship since....that was About 4 years ago...nothing thats lasted anyway. I would like to find a longterm partner though.

After uni (4 years ago) i got my first serious job assembling/testing/upgrading oyster card readers for a subcontractor of the london underground. I use to be/can be very innapropriate (which is typical of people with autism/aspergers like me) as you can imagine there are people who pick on those who stand out. People who seem to think its there mission to ridicule and degrade people who are different.

This guy kept picking on me and i insulted him back, which seemed to make things worse for me as the more i fought back the worse the insults etc seemed to get. Eventually i was so filled with rage i started fantasizing about strangling him, killing him etc, i went to bed at night with so much rage ive never felt anything like it in my life. I felt so full of rage and wanting to hurt him but so utterly powerless as well. Then the more he started to degrade me in front of others, call me an idiot to my face the more i started to look on the internet wondering what it was i was experiencing (the crazy rage, the desire to kill my bully etc) and other darker feelings.

So i started researching the feelings i was experiencing...and you dont have to look far to see that the desires i was displaying...wanting to go out and just kill anyone because of the pain that has been inflicted on me are the thoughts of psychopaths/psychotics.

This article describes how i felt during this time in my life, it definetly hits some points spot in though like i wanted people to suffer like i had. I just wanted to kill anyone.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/di ... illed?#_=_

A psychopath said this and this is exactly how i felt at the time:

-"You can’t think you can kill me and ride off into the sunset"

This seems to be fairly accurate as well:

"From those statements you can see the common thread. They are saying they’ve been hurt at such a core level that the only recourse they can see is murder. It also is clear that they want their victims and the public to feel fear"

Eventually i went to the drs cause i told my mum how i was feeling in detail (poor mother, i was her baby but i felt like i had the heart of a monster).

I think basically i had been hurt so much i couldnt let the person get away with it, someone had to die and i didnt care who it was anymore.

I told the dr i had started scouting out houses where people lived alone trying to figure out which houses would make a good target. I wasnt ashamed by my desire to kill but i am ashamed to say i wasn't just looking for people to kill i was looking for women who lived by themselves so i could rape them and then kill them. I wanted to use a knife to see the fear in their eyes and to experience the power i had up close and personal. I know, very sick enjoying the power of killing someoneObviously because i felt so powerless at the hands of the bully.

As a side note...i only felt like this cause it was people who had hurt me, i would happily kill someone to save an animal. They never have hurt me and even when they have i know its out of fear so i forgive them and love them.

Anyway once i went to the psychologists he said "i deal with people who have killed people" ...he almost seemed to be saying...kill someone and maybe i will help. Luckily i left the job and the bullying behind and moved into supported accommodation for those with disabilities or the vulnerable etc. The intense rage went away but i wasn't the same person anymore.

Despite it being about four years ago since this bullying i still wish i could walk around and stab people who have stabbed me in the back or hurt me.

Ive been unstable recently because ive been through a bout of depression/anxiety and someone threatened to pour water over me ( he is a grumpy, rude old man with mental issues) i can honestly say i spent about 3-4 hours thinking about stabbing him, cutting his head off, poisoning him etc before i calmed down, i got those thoughts again today for like 30 minutes. I told staff here ( i am in supported accommodation but can do alot eg i have a degree in computer science, fluent in french, write poetry, cook etc i just get bad emotionally)

I think ive been hurt so much by people i struggle to let it go and all it takes is someone wanting to pour water over me for me to want to kill them when i am bad.

Am i a psychopath? Why do i feel like this. I was diagnosed 12 months ago with Aspergers syndrome. Clearly ive been quite damaged, what do i do to get back to how i felt before i was abused/bullied?

Am i a psychopath?

Never told anyone my complete story before....what a wonder the internet is lol

Anyway, writing this made me shake cause of the memories.