Recently realized I may have Asperger's...

This is... going to be a long one.

I've been trying to figure out what was different about me for a long time, but in the meantime I learned to imitate others as best I could--the easiest way to explain it is that I process everything through equations, which sometimes works for socialization as well, but sometimes it doesn't. Still, while I've always known that interaction doesn't work the same way for other people as it does for me, I've done my best not to let on the way I feel. I used to be prone to random outbursts of frustration, usually culminating in tears, or happiness that resulted in crazy laughter, although since the sixth grade both happen rarely.

There are other things about me--I'm clumsy, terrible at sports, and I'm tall but walk in a kind of shuffling manner, always looking at the ground. I have a tendency to rock back and forth when I'm stressed, although I've only been caught doing it once... usually I do it alone. I have slightly eccentric ways of showing excitement, like clapping my hands together and making wild gestures. My friends have pointed this out to me on more than one occasion... usually when I'm talking about microbiology (which I'm beginning to suspect they don't find as interesting as I do). I'm terrible at small talk and coming up with things to talk about. I don't understand how people do it. It's one thing that completely baffles me. I could talk for hours about the plasma membrane of a cell, but other topics seem boring. I tend to react to everything literally, although internally I'm constantly questioning whether it was meant literally or sarcastically.

There are other things that I don't necessarily relate to about asperger's... I'm not resistant to change in the traditional way. I'm a military kid. My family moves every few years... I even enjoy moving. The big thing for me has always been cars and shoes. I hate getting rid of them. Also, I do want to be social and have a relationship someday but I find myself unable to pull myself out of the more social "character" that I play when I'm around people, and I can't be that person for long periods of time... It's exhausting. And at the same time, I couldn't ask a potential partner to stay with me if they come into the relationship expecting me to be one person but it turns out I'm not the same.

Anyways, I knew about Asperger's before I realized that I may have it... It always seemed as though I may have some symptoms of it, but not enough for me to actually have it... Not in a way that everything clicked and seemed to explain my experience. But when I read about the way girls experience Asperger's syndrome, it was an entirely different story. Item after item described me perfectly. Even the speculations that girls with Asperger's are known to have--for example, feeling like they have a boy's brain (although not in the sense that they are transgender). Looking down on other girls and girly interests--which I admit, I'm terribly guilty of doing. At this point, I think it's pretty likely that I have Asperger's, and am not simply some strange combination of gifted, clumsy, and shy like people think. But then there's the matter of how to approach it.

So, I have a couple questions. First of all, what do you think about the long-winded and rambling explanation I provided... Do you think I'm misinterpreting this entirely? I have a tendency of doing so when things aren't related to math, science, computers, and things of that nature, and obviously this isn't one of those things. Which leads me to my next concern: I'd like to get some sort of professional diagnosis/appraisal of the situation... I'm not sure how to seek this, though. I'm a sixteen year old girl. I haven't told my parents about my suspicions. I don't think they'll react well. I've brought up my concern about my inability to function naturally in social situations before, but they brushed it off. The fact of the matter is, the way I act and feel around them is entirely different from the way I act and feel around strangers, and I'm not sure how to get them to understand that.

I'm concerned with the possibility of this affecting my professional life. I really want to pursue a career in bio-molecular engineering, but I've heard that college is intense on a social level and if I do have Asperger's syndrome, I want to find proactive ways to approach this atmosphere to increase my chances of success. So I do want to be diagnosed with it if I have it. If you have a second opinion or any suggestions on how to approach the topic with my parents so that they can take me to a professional, it would be much appreciated. Thanks ahead of time, and I hope you could make sense of my ramblings. If you read the whole thing, I commend your efforts.

hmnn.. i don't have any real ideas on how to speak to your parents about this unfortunately..
are they fairly supportive in most other areas usually?
It might well be worth asking to talk to them again and explaining just how different you feel and how much you're struggling to fit. If you're anything like me, you feel very strongly on the inside but most people won't be able to see that - they'll see that you appear to be fairly calm on the outside (aspies don't generally emote very well so we have to develop that ability in order to show allistics how we feel).
But because you likely appear to be calm - your parents may not have understood just how much of an issue this really is for you.

umm.. yep - i'm guilty of the not understanding the usual girly interests - i don't understand how a group of girls/women can sit around for hours talking about shoes or makeup. My point is that yes they look nice but how can it interest you for a whole hour/series of hours?
I don't look down on the interests.. more that I wish i could be interested but nope.. it's like trying to join in with a conversation about football for me - i'm genuinely happy if their team has won but i don't really understand the fascination.

I don't think that you're misinterpreting this entirely at all - my view is that if you firmly feel that you fit on the spectrum then it's a good idea to go for an assessment and see what the tests show up.

so yep.. in my long rambly way - do talk to your parents and ask them to take you to the doctors so that you can get some help for the social issues..
if you've not wandered across something called ''dyspraxia'' before then it might be worth a quick read through to see whether you think it applies to you.. some of your clumsiness symptoms may possibly be linked to dyspraxia (I also have this).

but.. after all that - welcome to the forum and i hope you stick around as well (:

Thanks for the reply! I brought it up with my mom by accident (I was talking about different articles I'd read and when I mentioned that one she asked me if I thought I had it--caught me way off guard). She was pretty supportive, although she didn't want to discuss the topic for very long. I'll email the clinic at the local college maybe about how to get tested, and see what they answer... I think if I bring up the topic a second time, she might be receptive to it, and no doubt she's told my dad about it. I'll check out dyspraxia as well. Should be an interesting thing to read about.