Huge dislike of myself

Hi

Warning this is a little long

I have been under my local mental health team for 10 years now diagnosed with BPD. However about three years ago now I was assessed privately by a specialist in Developmental Disorders and was diagnosed with Asperger's. Up until now I have made no mention of it to the mental health team as they would have never taken it on board.

Things have changed recently and I have now been passed on to being assessed again via my local authority.

A brief description of my life, I have virtually no friends. I was out of work for 7 years before going part-time in retail. I then went full-time and was promoted to a role with more authority. Everything went wrong, because I follow procedure and do the right things. I like structure and routine, which that position didn't have. I couldn't deal with having time where there wasn't jobs to do, I couldn't deal with interacting with staff and In the end was so unwell and I had to quit my job.

I have routines each day, eat at roughly same times and eat the same meals. I only travel to a couple of places. If I have a longer visit somewhere have to plan the whole thing. Train times, where shops will be, toilets along the way etc. I have been out on occasion and someone suggested going for a walk unplanned and I just said I had to go home.

My life is so restricted now that the only people I see are health professionals. I can get very depressed and very self-destructive. Family relationships are a no go. I am female by birth. But I have never worn dresses, skirts, make up, heeled shoes so on. My hair is very short, I dress for comfort even if that means tracksuit bottoms and trainers. I don't own a handbag I go for a sports bad because it has compartments for everything I need to bring with me. Certain family members cannot except this and over the years I have been broken down by feeling like I am a failure for not being feminine. On top of that I have never had a relationship and I am 30.

The worst part that I feel now and is really getting me down. Apart from not achieving any potential that was put on me, being unemployed and very isolated, is that I find it very difficult to show interest in others. I feel nothing, I can hear bad stories in the news and feel nothing. It is like when you pass a homeless person, I don't feel anything, I have just learnt that through growing up that you can buy them some food. I have learnt to do things, but I don't feel anything about the process. I hate people saying I am nice person when I am obviously not. I can seem to be doing a good deed, but it must be an act. I find it hard to socialise with anyone due to not knowing what to ask, what to say and I find it hard to hide reactions. I can't even verbally say 'Happy Birthday' to people. I tend to text it.

I have been told many times by one of my parents, that I am cold hearted, selfish and tight with money. I wont lie it hurt and still does. But what if they are right. What if I am this disgrace of a person. Now I know why no one wants to know me. I have always been the odd one out and have been on the receiving end of bullying ever since school, due to not been feminine, not going out drinking or clubbing so on.

The only people that I have felt real emotion for are my nieces and nephew. When I can be myself and I feel something. But this year I have seen them max twice due to circumstances. But I am scared of having them alone, what do I say? How do I interact with them. I cannot even talk to them on the phone. I also feel in a few years they will realise what a horrible person I am. They have been the one nice thing in my life, that I felt had managed not to mess up. However I am at risk of losing them.

Please can anyone relate or even see where I am coming from. I have never set out to hurt anyone or be nasty. I never lose my temper with others or shout at anyone. Everything stays inside and I end up going over and over everything. The only time I flip is when someone changes plans when out, they touch me unexpected or try to put something on me. My nieces always wanted to put lip balm on my lips and I had shout so many times to say anything but that they could do.

I get so depressed and am scared that when I have this assessment I am going to have to admit how selfish I am must be. A hospital worker said to me recently that they had never seen someone hate themselves so much. This is why.

I just don't know what to do anymore, no one can see my difficulties because I have put up big act and use methods to cope in certain situation. Funnily I get told I am very confident and intelligent. Shame I have done nothing with my life and having nothing in it.

i think you need to appreciate that when people are critical of others, they do so to exert some form of control over them. guilt-tripping people is obviously a very effective form of such control. and such criticism can be hard to ignore, especially from family whom we wish to endear ourselves to. but we ultimately have to recognise when we are being manipulated, no matter who is doing it, and that such manipulation is morally wrong. otherwise, we will tend to accept their unjustified criticism and thereby feel bad about ourselves unnecessarily.

i think that you also need to appreciate that most people only really care for those that they have an immediate relationship with, such as family and friends. and even then, such relationships can be less than positive. in many respect, your expectations of yourself and what you ought to feel are unrealistic, probably because of the criticism that you have been subjected to.

as for not knowing how to interact with people and also being prone to over-analysis of such situations, these are common symptoms of AS.

i will, however, point out that the self-image that you project is entirely your choice and therefore within your control to change it if you wished. perhaps projecting a more feminine self-image might be to your advantage. but that has to be your choice.

as to your nephews and nieces, i doubt that they will reject you because they will grow to realise how 'bad' you are. i think that is an irrational fear based again upon the criticism that you have been subjected to. however, as people mature they look for opportunities in life that inevitable take them away from family to some extent. as such, you should be careful not to interpret such developments in their lives as rejecting you of being evidence of your 'badness'.

I can really hear you pain and I can relate. I had low self esteem and mentally bashed myself up for years. I know how horrible and isolating that can be.

With your new assessment, perhaps you can mention your other assessment as having AS and make them aware of it. If people don't think to look for something they usually won't see it.

As for your family, especially your mother, family can be the cruelest. They don't understand what you're going through. Are you able to get some reading information on AS to give to them? That's assuming they would read it of course. Some people just don't want to know.

None of what they say is true about you. So what if you don't like long hair, make up, handbags, girly clothes? None of that makes you a woman. If you mother things you need to do that stuff to be feminine or a female, that's her problem. All that matters is you are comfortable being you. You may need to compromise to get another job, like wear a little make up, not very much and wear more girly looking clothes. You shouldn't have to, but it might make getting a new job easier.

As for your routines, that is very AS. Routine is comfortable. Because you know what to expect when, it helps remove anxiety. Developing routine is what helps you get through the day. There is nothing wrong with having routines, it does NOT make you a bad person. Just make sure you develop a coping strategy for when routines change. You may have to change them one day for a special reason, like going to a dinner party or something might come up unexpectedly and you have to break a routine. Think about ways you will deal with it, so you don't feel overwhelmed and have a melt down.

You are not cold. New research seems to show people with ASD have a lot of empathy and feel things really, really intently but don't know how to process all the information or stimulation. It can be so overwhelming and lead to shutting people out because you don't know how to deal with it all.

With your niece and nephew, you don't have to lose them when they get older. What could happen is you become so anxious that it might happen you end up shutting them out and they will feel pushed away. It won't mean you are bad or worthless, just that you didn't know how to handle the situation.

If you can, find a therapist who specialises in AS or ASD. The good news is you can learn ways to deal with social situations and relationships. However, the AS brain is wired differently. You need to have therapy explained in a way you will really get it and come up with strategies that will work for you. It does not make you bad or worthless, just different. And being different is OK.

One strategy that will be really helpful, is learning how to share with people what you are feeling or going through. Many people with AS don't communicate this information. The problem is, people around you don't know what is going on with you and they will misinterpret why you do things. If you feel overwhelmed and remain silent, then walk away, others will see this as you being cold and shutting them out. They won't know what is really going on so you have to tell them.

Look at it as educating people about who you are and how to relate to you. One of the biggest issues between AS people and NT people is the AS person thinks or feels something and thinks it is obvious, when really it is just inside them. NT people need to be told these things so they can understand.

With me, because I felt so crappy about myself, I didn't go anywhere. I stayed home all the time, alone with my own thoughts and that just made things worse because I kept having the same thoughts. It will really help if you can communicate with outside people. You can look at joining some groups on facebook to begin with. Research your local area and see if there are support groups for people with AS in your area so you can see you are not alone and also have other people to talk with.

It's important to get out of your own head I know it can be hard, but it will help. What are your interests? Do you like animals or plants? Animals and plants are easier to deal with because there are no fears of rejection. Perhaps you could spend time volunteering in an animal shelter or working on a community garden? It has to be something you are interested in.

I know I wrote a lot. Take your time to read over it and see if anything is helpful. I hope some of it does help.

I really like the animals/plants idea - a pet/doing something in a voluntary capacity might be really helpful.. would you maybe like to get a pet of some kind.? if you're up for it and like them enough, dogs are a fantastic pet/friend for someone with aspergers and they can really help you get out and about a bit.. maybe start chatting with other dog owners that you see while walking.

I really hate the fact that society forces us to fit into a ''feminine'' mould or treats us like we're second class and worthless - not to be treated as human. I honestly prefer wearing clothes for comfort but i do need to try and fit in a bit (my daughter insists.. ). I don't think that you're horrible, selfish or anything else negative that family and society has told you all your life you are - the proof of that is in the way you relax and feel when you're with your nieces and nephew. If you can feel while you're with them, it seems likely that you can feel in all other interactions and on all other occasions as well.. you're just closing down because it's too difficult and too intense for you to cope with all the time. A very common issue with people on the spectrum is that they learn life = pain so they end up shutting down and then feeling awful when people assume what they see on the outside is somehow an indicator of there being no feelings on the inside.

Please do share all of this when you have your assessment - but i don't think that they'll see you as being selfish .. i certainly don't see you as being so. I simply see someone that is hurting and trying desperately to understand how to fit in better into a world that is geared to an allistic society..
I also wonder about you maybe trying out a group for people on the spectrum - i know it's really difficult trying out social stuff and changing your routines a bit but you may well find that you finally fit somewhere - amongst others very similar to yourself - you're not on your own and you're in good company here as well xx

it's all well and good campaigning for women's lib but part of what the OP wrote was that she hadn't had a relationship. now, i'm sorry to have to mention this but if you don't make an effort, you're not going to attract anyone. it's as simple as that. we can all say that we want to be just how we are but how we are affect how other people see us. so, we have to make an effort if we want to make the best of ourselves. now, there are certain things that socially differentiate men and women and possibly the most obvious is their hair. indeed, women deliberately accentuate these differences, such as make-up and jewellery, just to stand out and be more attractive. many enjoy it for no other reason than that they take a pride in their appearance. as i said, this is your choice. but don't imagine that such choices don't have consequences. they do. and blaming society isn't going to change that.

shock_the_monkey, where did anyone mention women's lib? And there happen to be many women with short hair, inside and outside of relationships. Short hair is not purely for masculine people.

Looking pretty is not the only thing a woman needs to consider in having a relationship. She needs to have a fairly healthy self-esteem as well. If a woman doesn't, then she will either attract no-one or someone who might not treat her so well. You don't seem to understand female psychology. Most women will do things to make themselves look more attractive when they feel good about themselves, but they have to have the self esteem first.

Women who don't have high self esteem tend not to bother. "The thinking goes, why bother because they won't really like me anyway or they'll just dump me when they find out what I'm really like."

Now I'm not saying any of this is factual, just how women with very low self esteem or self loathing tend to think.

You are right that a lot of people are attracted to someone who takes time to do things like style their hair, do make up, wear more feminine clothes, but you also have to be getting out into society so people can actually see you doing those things. And in order for smile5 or anyone else to be able to do that, self esteem needs to be worked on and some coping skills learnt.

it's all well and good campaigning for women's lib but part of what the OP wrote was that she hadn't had a relationship. now, i'm sorry to have to mention this but if you don't make an effort, you're not going to attract anyone. it's as simple as that. we can all say that we want to be just how we are but how we are affect how other people see us. so, we have to make an effort if we want to make the best of ourselves. now, there are certain things that socially differentiate men and women and possibly the most obvious is their hair. indeed, women deliberately accentuate these differences, such as make-up and jewellery, just to stand out and be more attractive. many enjoy it for no other reason than that they take a pride in their appearance. as i said, this is your choice. but don't imagine that such choices don't have consequences. they do. and blaming society isn't going to change that.

I do agree..
it's just that for females with aspergers - it can be really tough to find clothes that actually feel comfortable enough to wear and that are also in fashion. Hairstyles as well - I assume that you have short hair.? I have long and curly hair - i love my hair but due to sensory issues, I have it tied back a lot of the time (it itches my neck and feels scratchy).

I'm not going to do the whole ''OMG.. why can't men find me attractive when i wear a bin liner??'' thing but all i'm saying is that for female aspies - we tend to have an added set of complications because of the way that society asks us to look.
I would once have whined about the unfairness of it all but then developed the ability to put myself in anothers shoes and realised that actually - why would people find me attractive when i'm always wearing the same tired clothes (for comfort) .

My ideal would be a female dress code like the mens dress code - we could walk into a clothes shop and see rack upon rack of black cotton trousers or comfy jeans and then just find a t-shirt to go along with it.. instead i have to constantly try and keep up with fashions while desperately hoping that this time.. this year.. this month.. the clothes won't be so uncomfy that i want to tear them off as soon as i get home.. and i do that sometimes - and then sigh with relief as i sink back into my cotton trousers and comfy vest tops..

Thank you all for the comments and support, I appreciate most of what has been said and that some people can relate. Other comments I don't really want to go on about as it is not something I feel I need to be told by yet another person.

I am not sure what else to say, have had a busy day compared to normal and don't feel able to discuss further just yet. I will update on the assessment and how it goes.

Thanks again.

it's a fact of life that we form opinions of people within seconds of meeting them. and we do this bases almost entirely on their appearance. if you don't make a good first impression, chances are you'll not get the opportunity to make a second impression. that's just life.

also, the alexander technique is based on using posture to influence emotion. its basis is that our emotions are reflected in our posture. therefore, by forcing our posture to reflect positive emotions we can actually bring about those emotions. by the same token, trying to look attractive can also make one feel more attractive.

i also have to say that i'm not remotely interested in trying to uphold the values of society. but to ignore them is, i feel, grossly naive.

The fact that you are not feminine and that people don't like it, is a thing that you should absolutely no give a single flying ###$ at all.
Your lack of femininity is something typical for aspie women. I have seen it in many of them.
Since i'm a crackpot I believe that Asperger's is not a disorder at all and nothing more than a degree of expression of Neanderthal genes. Neanderthals had a lower digit ratio, which meant that they had a greater amount of prenatal testosterone, both men and women.
Aspies tend to have a lower digit ratio, both men and women. You have a more masculine brain and it is something that many aspie females have, and I have observed that aspie males have a tendency to be more attracted to tomboys.

Well, believe my tought about the Neanderthals and asperger's or not, but my assertion that aspie women tend to have a lower digit ratio is a fact.