Wondering if I have Aspie

I think this diagnosis would explain alot of things that has happened in my life. For example, I hate change in life. It's exhausting, and I've been called stupid and slow many times in my life that I now think it's true. I used to think I was great, feeling alot of potential. At least, I've managed to get a masters degree in mathematics, despite many depressions and social phobia. I have so much difficulty expressing myself, no matter how much I practice, I just never find the words. I am also very ineffective in all I do. I've never had a girlfriend either, and pretty much kept to myself as much as I've could. However, I love when women smile to me, and I dream about having intimate moments with a woman, but I know it's just not going to happen, so I might as well enjoy other things instead. Computergames can keep me occupied for months, strategy games and roleplaying games mostly. I live myself into them, and I really enjoy it. This sound like AvPD, I know.

Right now I have a depression, seeing no way to avoid the social activities anymore (I have to get a job). I've hade some jobs and they made me depressed everytime. It's like I don't have enough solitude at home to gather strength. The will power to live gets drained everytime I work, but I have to work in order to live. Because the depression was so deep this time, I saught help and am now seeing a psychologist since a month back.

I have had friends before, but I never really liked them. They seemed to look down on me, possibly because I thought I was better than them despite my lack of understandning of the social game that seems to come so natural for everyone else. When I had friends, I would be with them so I could play sports, not because I wanted to be with them. I loved sports, but I couldn't understand why noone had the same intensity in the interests that I had.

So do you think I have Asperger's Syndrom? I think I'll ask my psychologist next time I see her.

rubystar wrote:My son is an aspie, he has some similarities to what you wrote in your post. He is grandiose and mostly enjoys being with adults or by himself. He is obsessive with his interests and will not focus on anything else. He doesn't understand sarcasm, he takes everything literally. He has no social phobia though, in fact he never gets embarrased. He does not have any friends his own age and when he speaks with other people he words things in a way which isn't normal, he's blunt and direct has no inflection in his voice and quite often he hurts people's feelings. I've never met an aspie with a social phobia. There are specific tests for Asperger's one of them is called- The Gilliam Asperger's Disorder Scale. I hope your psychologist is able to help you answer your question.

http://www.aspergers.com/aspcrit.htm

Thanks rubystar. I checked out the link, and it is likely that I have AS by looking at what criterias I have to fulfill. Although if I really do have AS, I think it is a mild version of it.

I don't have a problem looking into people's eyes, that is normal for people with AS. I think I learned at quite an early age to do that. The problem though is that when I look into people's eyes, they get uncomfortable, so I have to think about not looking so intensely when I look. It's like when you look into someone's eyes, like animals, you're being challenged or something and you don't want to fight, so you look away. When you don't look away, you tell the "opponent" that you're not afraid.

I also don't have much problems understanding sarcasm or irony like your son, but I sometimes feel like what I say is inapropriate, that I always have to analyze what people say just to make sure I get it right.

From what I've heard, people with AS usually develop social phobia because they become aware that they are making errors as they mature.

Here is a quote from wikipedia:

Although there is no single feature that all people with AS share, difficulties with social behavior are nearly universal and are one of the most important defining criteria. People with AS lack the natural ability to see the subtexts of social interaction, and may lack the ability to communicate their own emotional state, resulting in well-meaning remarks that may offend, or finding it hard to know what is "acceptable". The unwritten rules of social behavior that mystify so many with AS have been termed the "hidden curriculum".[13] People with AS must learn these social skills intellectually through seemingly contrived, dry, math-like logic rather than intuitively through normal emotional interaction.[14]

This is pretty much how I have felt. I've had to learn how to behave through cold logic as I grew up. I had social phobia while trying to learn because I was trying hard to not say anything stupid.

I asked my psychologist today. She said that she had suspected it and asked if I wanted an investigation to see if I have AS. I accepted.

hi, I like alot of the things you said i too played sports and alot of my friends i had i met through the particular sport. Although they are all gone now along with my interest in the sport. Working does drain me intensely, i do mostly nothing during the week. I usually sit in my room with my cat and watch tv thank god for tivo. I usually could not watch any series cause i would miss an episode and get ticked. So now the shows i watch i never get behind.
I do enjoy working out at the gym although in the winter i find it harder to stay motivated.
I really like what you said about the eye thing, I seem to be one or the other laking in eye contact or over doing the eye contact. Which both can tick people off. I actually do believe there is some sort of social code that others are born with. It comes so easy to them like walking. At times i tried to decipher it and analyze it but i have come to the conclusion that some people are good at some things and others are not. And alot of times i end up feeling like a bad person cause i could not keep a relationship going, or i just decide i didn't like someone, and have no way of pretending i do.

as far as a diagnosis my therapist for some reason or another is confident i have as and has even suggested going to a support group that has a one year waiting list. I am in denial and found dwelling on it only makes it worse, at a time i thought i was special and the world was mine, i also feel i have always struggled to be normal, like deep down i knew i was different but passed for normal through my dilligance and hard work. I have decided to let be be. I lived a healthy functioning life before i can do it again. I'm glad you posted, every time i read anothers post and can say aha i'm not the only one...... an aspie gets his wings lol no but really just the honesty and openess that i find on the forums, helps me with the lack of face to face and hopefully prepares me for more face to face honesty and real relationships.
thanks