The Question

Greetings. I was diagnosed with Aspergers (High-Functioning) August 2013. November of 2013 I started T (Testosterone), moving forward as a FTM transgender. In December 2013, I changed my name. So, 2013 was a lot of finding out many things.

All of 2014, it was continuting on... learning how to grow up.

All of my life, I've felt different. I was born knowing right from wrong. No one could lie around me. When I saw someone being bullied, I would beat up the bully, even if they were bigger. Or if they directed their mean personality at me, I would offer them a candy or be nice to them somehow, and it threw them off, because I never had fear. Even as a youngster, I always thought everyone else seemed so alien to me. I wanted to be a fixer. I wanted to make things better, and bring ill-doers to justice, even before knowning what it meant.

Like I said, I wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago. Even in joining a few Asperger/Autisim groups in the past, I am still not satisfied. It's not that I am looking to fit anywhere, but I always feel like I am observing. And that I am trying to learn how to adapt. It's like I am trying to find certain people to fit a certain criteria. People who are not blindsided by something, downtrodden by something, swept up in meaningless things. Then again, it is one's perception to what is meaningless, and meaningful.

I seek a higher purpose. I've seen enough of this world that humankind for the most part is... chaotic. It feels like every time I meet someone, I can feel them deeper than they are comfortable. I can usually figure someone out upon being around them only a few times. I get vibes, senses. But in that, it keeps me wanting to pull away, or find a place to be a recluse for good. This world needs healing, but I don't know what to do, nor am I able to figure it out alone. I wonder if it's possible for us to finally stop looking at the problems and thinking of solutions... to heal.

I've recently turned 30. I don't feel any different than I usually do, of course. I already feel funky enough. Yet... I feel a pressure to be deciding something. My whole life, I've felt uninterested in being part of the 'workforce'. That's not to say I don't want to work, or that I am lazy. I am not... convinced of the 9 to 5, working your skin off for a shiny piece of metal. I do believe in hard work, and trade, and the like. That someone can have skills that someone needs, and vice versa. I dislike the morales of what has become of said 'workforce', and becoming a nameless, numbered drone.

I have dealt with anxiety, depression, and apparently Aspergers, so it's put me in a position where I have been able to live on disability, but I do not like it. I know I am capable of something, but I have a hard time deciding what direction to take. Or actually, I do, but not what steps go in order. Organizing is... hard for me.

Some have suggested I become a preacher. Others suggest becoming a writer, a musician, a psychologist, and even a detective. I like the idea of all those, because... I want to be heard and make speeches. I want to be able to show a validation to be listened to, for I know I am worthy, but sometimes folks want to see badges and licenses and qualifications. Like "why should I listen to you, what have you done, what are you made of?" What if I am just me, just wanting to make a difference?

My spirit is strong, and I am good at motivational speeches. I am also one, still to this day, disgusted of what things have become of the people of this world, and things could be better. We need someone else who is willing to stand up and speak, and I would. Power goes back to the people.

Basically, this post is about, I don't know what would be best, to start ministry as a spiritual person? I am not of religion, but I am not dismissive of it either. A being of all. I am not here to start a religious discussion. Rather, the question itself.

Or is music more looked up to?

The thing is, I can do all of these things, and perhaps I could, but what are the best steps? I know it seems like a whole lot, but I am not about money at all. I hate money. But it's also the obstacle...

OP I read your post with interest. You have many of the same views as me. Maybe it's an Asperger's thing or an age thing (I'm 42) who knows. But I totally understand the wanting to be nice to mean people, wanting justice, bullying the bully, etc etc.

I also get the whole becoming a "fixer". I always want to fix things, people. Thought I could help. Was actually better at helping and fixing others than myself.

Then something happened where I tried to "fix" someone who I loved very dearly. It backfired, badly, on me. And it changed that part of me. I don't want to try and "fix" anyone anymore. I am happy to advise, but I'm not going to get that involved in trying to help. I came off worse. No good deed goes unpunished.

Plus I learnt that you can't fix people. They have to fix themselves.

I also understand the not wanting to work but not because of laziness. My last job was in 2013 and I haven't had one since. I'm agoraphobic now but I had such a terrible time at my last place of employment that it severely made me question working for someone again. Can't risk another one of them being my boss. Don't want to work for "the man". Don't want to be a number that doesn't matter. Don't want to work for an organisation that is a dictatorship with a boss who gave Genghis Khan a run for his money...

Prior to that job, I had 12 years at the same job. I loved it. Would never have left, but they moved city and I couldn't move with it. There is no job the same - it was very niche. So that is over and gone.

I think we both could do with some reason to be motivated. If you do get motivated do something you love. It will be hard to cope with any other crap if you don't love the thing you do.