As a baby, I would scream whenever I was touched or held & was a lot happier left alone, staring at my mobile above my cot for hours on end. At the age of 2, I started head banging, until bleeding sores appeared on my skull. Whenever a light was turned on, I'd start screaming again. My parents took me to the doctors, fearing I had meningitis, but the tests came back clear.
I started reading at 4, and by the time I was 8, had read the complete works of William Shakespeare, Canterbury Tales & heaps of poetry. I took to middle & old English & iambic pentameters like a fish takes to water. I had an extensive vocabulary, yet couldnt understand the punchlines of any jokes or why people behaved like they did, especially my father, who would give me a backhand all the time & go "look at me while im talking to you" I was often called a "liar" by my parents, as they believed anybody telling the truth, would be able to look them in the eye.
School was a nightmare for me. In kindergarten, I was already at grade 5 level (except for maths, which i'm still hopeless at). The lessons were boring & I hated all the other kids because they were "kids". I often rebelled & got into trouble for doing stupid creative things. I hated wearing the stiff school uniform & tight shoes, I felt like I was choking & suffocating. I would eat nothing but boiled eggs, mashed potato & peanut butter sandwiches.
When I was 10 & in the middle of Paradise Lost, I was sent to a "special" school. "We dont know whether she's a genius or a lunatic" the education system told my bewildered parents.
I was there for 3 years, in a small class of other children who were developmentally delayed. I was anything BUT. The lessons again were dull & boring. I kept teasing the other kids for being "freaks" & usually locked myself in the broom closet with my books to avoid everything. Psychiatrists ran heaps of tests on me, they told my parents I was "mildly autistic" but apart from that, they didnt know.
Throughout my school years I had no friends & was a total loner & considered to be a "nerdy loser" by most.
In early adulthood, relationships just wouldnt last, because there was no compromise. "my way or the highway" was usually the scenario. I got a job in a factory, but the infernal hum, constant noise & bright lights drove me to total distraction. I quit not long after. I also had a very hard time understanding what others expected from me, apart from doing my job.
I got married at 22, to an elderly man who seemed to understand me & was looking for companionship more than romantic love. This suited me down to the ground. Human emotions were & are STILL a total mystery to me. Most often than not, people go "if you are not willing to let me help you, then get lost" the relationship lasted for 17 years. Im surprised it lasted beyond 5 but we also had kids to consider at that time. I had a good part time quiet & non demanding job in a bank's storeroom I was able to hold down.
After the divorce, I went through a very rough patch. I got very depressed & then it all came back to me. I couldnt go outside, because the sunlight was blinding, I could eat nothing but tinned baby food, wear only chenille & velvet clothing & had to turn my TV & radio down to barely audible. I started to collect & study trading cards with a passion. My mother convinced me to go & see a doctor who in turn referred me onto a Psychiatrist. The diagnosis:
Asperger's Syndrome. Unfortunately, however I am one of these unfortunate people who have the "low functioning" variety.
This was about a year ago. I was prescribed anti depressants, but they made little difference. Im on a pension now & terrified to go outdoors because of all the sights, sounds, smells & generally people out there. Shopping is a nightmare & I tend to go in the night & at non busy times. I'm slowly desensitising myself & trying not to obsess & get fixated, trying to ignore those things that only I can see or hear, trying to judge whats relevant & whats not, trying to turn the sponge into a filter..NLP, CBT & all that. No more drugs. I'm slowly getting there. *hopes.
Thanks for reading.
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