Aspergers and Sex

I hope this isn't against forum rules ,tell me if it is.

How can people actually have sex, or relationships?
How can a person with aspergers have sex or relationships?
I am kind of lone, frustrated and just having some sort of mode of mind just now.

I have been in austraila for two months, mostly spend with my Mother and family I visited there.
Now I come back to my own appeartment, after living with my mother some weeks,

I look at people at the buss, at the store, walking their dogs
or walking around yelling and screaming.

I really don't really understand how a man and a woman can have anything to say to each other.
Often this extend to people in general.
People seem isolated just like myself, I don't see any connection.
Nothing common, nothing to talk about or do.

Except for cold talking and how can anyone talking to strangers.
I am terrified of talking to strangers, and I am boored of cold talk.

Its like girls and boys, live in separate worlds, where they rarely have the same interests
or live in the same .. life category.
There is no approximation, availability.

Also, I am kind of blind to what is sexually acceptable or not but I know it.
What is the difference between harassment and flirting?

Girls, want men to take, them to talk to them by being passive
and just standing around.
For me any sort of initiative feels like breaking some sort of taboo.

I really hate the consensus, because it is totally invisible to me.

Well, much of this I realise, is me projecting my own feelings on the world
and thinking others think like I do but anyway.

People can have sex, and form relationships because they want to. It's kinda like asking how someone can work at a certain job, or have a certain pastime.

There's a biological need by many people to not feel "alone". Relationships are formed, in part, for that need but also the wish to have children. There's a "why am I here" kinda question, that part of the answer may be to have children and pass along one's biological makeup and knowledge.

Then there are others who aren't really either able to form relationships, or have very limited capacity/interest (or both, actually).

Looking at myself, there are times when I wonder what I'm here for, and what kinda impact in life I'm trying to make. Sometimes this goes into comparing myself to others, and seeing them having relationships, children, and so on and I wonder "what's the matter with me?" Kinda pointless questioning, really, and logically speaking it's unnecessary..but it's there nonetheless. I'm generally much happier not trying to form relationships/friendships since it's so draining and time consuming, though...so there's that I guess.

Hopefully this answers your question...even if it's from just my perspective. I'm sure there are many other answers to this question, too.

Wise Guy2 wrote:How can people actually have sex, or relationships?

how can they not. given that our species is dependent on sexual reproduction, it would be extremely unusual if this was actually abnormal.

Wise Guy2 wrote:How can a person with aspergers have sex or relationships?

in much the same way as anyone who hasn't got AS. it may be more difficult to form an initial attraction because of the inability to read facial expressions and body language. but it's not impossible. and not all people want the same from such things. it really depends on whether one meets someone compatible and whether one recognises this when it happens. if anything, the main problem people with AS have is that they're easily dissuaded from pursuing such things. to quote another saying: faint heart never won fair lady. and people with AS do tend to be fainthearted. or should i say being otherwise doesn't come naturally to them. possible because of their over-sensitivity to social situations.

Wise Guy2 wrote:What is the difference between harassment and flirting?

the difference is how object of one's affections (the other person) actually feels. if they feel harrassed, it's harrassment. if they feel flattered, it's flirting. it's nothing to do with the party doing the harrassing/flirting other than being able to recognise how the other person is actually feeling. and people with AS are particularly bad at this. which means they can often get accused of harrassment simply because they haven't recognised this is how the other person is actually feeling.

A lot of things in a relationship are illogical to me. But as a few people have pointed out to me, sometimes people form relationships because they're different from one another. Appreciating differences in one another and learning from them is often beneficial once you get past the NT smalltalk/gossip/babble as you'd get a glimpse into what is "normal" for them. Though it's hard to expect others to have the same outlook, it remains a part of my personal ethos to extend such respect first when meeting new people.

Though it also leaves me confounded when i am forced in a situation to divine the intricacies of social rituals such as courtship and yet, our biology has hardwired for us to seek the opposite sex (and society usually expects you think that as well). I don't get why can't we just get on with it? Why put on a false front by trying to impress others from beyond what is the normal YOU? I don't understand why (perhaps culture specific) women have to be put on a pedestal or why men sometimes collectively think it's ok to be a playboy. gah, here i go ranting again. Sorry if i didn't really answer much of the question but i guess it's also to let you know that i also feel some of your frustrations.

I gather your loneliness involves 2 major components:
1. A desire for a caring emotionally intimate relationship...
2. The desire to satisfy sexual urges...

Both are the result of evolutionary quirks creating (human) biological organisms with certain inherent needs that need to be satisfied to achieve psychological, emotional and biological harmony.
Simply put, we are at the mercy of our psychological/biological compass which we have little control over.
And then there is the social/community influences/indoctrination which we have to contend with.

Ideally most would want a relationship which satisfies both the emotional and sexual component.
Some, like myself, haven't the tools or the motivation to achieve this.

Luckily, here in Australia the sex industry has been legalised (it pays tax) in almost all states, so sexual urges and sexual growth can be satiated/achieved through this mechanism.
Visiting sex workers may not be the ideal, but it will help tame our psychological/biological naivete and will allow us greater perspective on life and the importance/place of interpersonal relationships, imo.

I am middle aged and may see things very differently to younger people...

I don't have A.S, but I am a painfully shy person, I am a very private person, and I can come off as hostile. My first encounter with a fellow classmate wasn't all that great. Weeks ago he did something that I found to be a bit rude and intrusive (he was reading something over my shoulder while I was writing). For weeks, I just silently begrudged him, but as the weeks went on on, I got over it. After being forced to interact with him over the weeks, I learned he and I actually have a lot in common. Career interests, hobbies, even TV shows and video games. My point being is that if I had decided to begrudge that guy, and if I hadn't been forced to work with him in class, I wouldn't have learned how much in common we have and how nice he actually can be. This can translate over to romance and sex. You can't get these unless you take chances with people and try to get to know them and interact with them even a little.

I was married for 35 years without realizing that I had A.S. Now, five years after diagnosis my NT wife is reaching out for other relationships thru crafts, sports, and entertainment. She leaves me happily behind and I am happy not to be involved.
People outside the marriage must think it is very strange. The folks in my office think I am on the cusp of a divorce but people have thought that for most of our 40 years marriage.
She has a sort of Post Traumatic symptoms due to decades of living with me. Since the diagnosis I have been much less likely to meltdowns. I hope I am easier to live with in many ways. I try.
But, am putting less effort in to pretending to be normal (haven't read the book yet). I don't know that is good or bad. I do what I am comfortable doing.
But sex has been off the table since diagnosis as my wife's expectations for a romantic response from me are gone. I miss it a little but I do not miss all the anxiety associated with dissatisfaction with my not meeting emotional needs of my wife. Sex has only been a half dozen times a year since our thirties.
I would never be able to navigate another relationship so I will never cheat on her. What she does is up to her, eh?

Finn52 wrote:
But, am putting less effort in to pretending to be normal (haven't read the book yet).

I would expect this to happen in a typical neurotypical relationship over such a long time together.
Doing what the individual wants rather than what is expected, I mean...
Part of the aging process?

Sh3ld0n wrote:Luckily, here in Australia the sex industry has been legalised (it pays tax) in almost all states, so sexual urges and sexual growth can be satiated/achieved through this mechanism.
Visiting sex workers may not be the ideal, but it will help tame our psychological/biological naivete and will allow us greater perspective on life and the importance/place of interpersonal relationships, imo.

on balance, i'd have to say that i'd be against such a move in the UK. i can't help feeling that there ought to be more to a relationship than just the exchange of money. and i can't help feeling that even with the best will in the world, this kind of thing reduces people to sexual objects. no, it just doesn't feel right to me in any sense of the word.

Maybe I'm just depressed or lazy, but I've lost interest in sex. The attraction/urge is there, but when I think about all the effort that's put into a mild tickle that lasts for less than two seconds followed by having to clean up....I'd rather be doing more enjoyable things.