Are you constantly being called shy or rude?

One of my close friends has recently nick named me 'mouse' because of my lack of communication. I have been called shy my whole life.

It's not like I have things to say whilst in a social group and can't say them for whatever the reason is shy people can't talk. It's just that I don't have anything to say. Conversations move too fast for me to think of anything to add in. And if I am not interested in the conversation (which is 90% of the time) than my brain just feels like a black hollow space with no words to add.

Even worse is when people call me rude. Or when people tell me I need to work on my social skills.

My partner keeps telling me that his friends don't understand why I am so rude, so quiet. I am just so sick of people pointing it out to me. When I am out I try so damn hard to talk with people, but it's never good enough.

"Why are you so quite all the time"
"Do you not like me?"
"You're very shy"
"What's wrong?"
"Smile" I have had so many random people at pubs and shopping centres telling me to smile when I am on my own. I don't get it, I mean, you don't see anyone else smiling 24 hours like there is something wrong with them. I will smile when I am talking to someone, but when my friends nick off to the toilet or to grab a drink, I am not going to sit there on my own and have a smile on my face like I am crazy or something.
"Talk"
"You need to talk more"
"I'm going to get you drunk so you will talk more" --- it does work.

Telling people I have Aspergers is no help what so ever. They don't know what it is, or don't know anything about it, they don't care to know any thing about it, they can't relate it in any way to social problems, and/or just assume I am mentally retarded. Some people then decide to treat me like I am Google. I am not smart and when I don't know the answer to a question they get confused, "are you sure you have Aspergers?"

As a lot of you already feel, small talk and medial chit-chat just makes me go insane inside. I don't understand how people can just come up with any conversation at any time. How they're so good at improvising things to say. How talking about coffee or clothing for half an hour interests them.

Recently I have thought about writing a script of things to talk about, and memorise them. I've heard that Robin Williams needs a script for almost all social events to help him seem normal, and I thought it might be a good idea. That way when someone I see quite often asks me "how have you been," I can start a conversation instead of just mindlessly staring at them for ten seconds before I come up with "good, and you?" Or when a shop keeper asks how the weather is outside, I can reply instead of looking out side to remind myself what the weather is like, if that makes sense?

I am also called cute a lot of the times. People call me cute when I try to dance with them at a night club so I can fit in, or sometimes when I am just talking. "Aww, you're so cute." I don't know what I have done different to appear cute.

Most weekends I prefer to stay home and have alone time. I like to read, write, build websites, learn things, watch my favourite TV shows, read, think and sometimes do nothing and just re-chard from a day of socialising at work. But there are some weekends where I do want social interaction. I do get lonely, but it's hard. I have to be quite drunk to feel comfortable at parties and BBQs.

What about you guys?

I'm not called very rude, but most people don't approach me about these kinda things anyways. anyways, so I don't know. I have been called quiet/shy/etc, though...that's kinda common.

In regard to small talk...dunno on that. When I'm around others, I do have an instinct that makes me believe I should actually say something even if I'm uncomfortable doing it. This usually just makes me uncomfortable being near the person I think I should be saying something to.

Small talk, usually isn't very good with me..but I have done okay in certain circumstances given the other person is extroverted enough. Usually I just say "ah" a lot...that seems to be my big saying any more.

Memorizing scripts is an interesting approach...or just not worrying about it works too. There are plenty of subjects I'm interested in, so there are some people I really can communicate well with...but almost all of the interests are not universal interests among society...so random conversations are a bit harder. I doubt I'd go the scripts idea for a lot of subjects..maybe a few. It may be worthwhile to determine what's talked about the most, what resources they come from, andput them on an RSS feed or something. Every few days, read the RSS feed, get the gist, and move on to what's actually interesting.

Again this is all dependent upon if you actually care about the social thing and all.

I've gone my whole life memorizing scripts and making small rules for myself.

remember to smile, remember to say hello first, remember to ask one or two questions, look out for signs of boredom from the other party. When they start to nod too much get out of the conversation. when you say something negative always end with a positive note.look out for something to compliment. Don't ask about tattoo's, sickness, hair color because you really suck at asking personal questions.

The list is endless.

works but it makes me tired, and i had to make peace with the fact that no matter how I prepare, sometimes things just goes bottoms up. Part of the game for me.

Another thing is that you need to remember that you must not take "rejection" personal. Very difficult, but if you can make that work, you're on your way.

Yes, I am "shy." At least that's what people say. Sometimes, I am called rude, because I forget to say Hi or Bye. People often tend to think I am a b*tch. But I'm not. I just don't know what to say or have anything to say.

I got used to it a long time ago. My boyfriend just tells everyone I have social anxiety. Most people I think forgive me for it, but it sometimes makes them talk to me like I'm a baby. I don't really let it bother me to much though.

I mean, I know that's how I am, I know I am quiet, and I am not trying to be rude. I don't care what people think because I know whats true.

I say YES to both shy and rude.

I can't remember people ever telling me they thought I was shy. I think I always made it very clear that I simply didn't like or didn't want anything to do with most other kids/people. In high school people would tell me I was odd, that's for sure. I had the weirdest friends, and they would tell me I was odd. But shy, not really.

People don't tell me I'm rude in simple words, but I think they probably do tell me all the time that I'm rude by means of subtler words. The other day when I was explaining to my sister-in-law that she should stop trying to "cheer me up" and stuff, but that she shouldn't take it personally if she asked me something personal and I acted rude in return, she said "yeah, I know it's just how you are". You mean... that's how I am? I was speaking hypothetically...

I've been called arrogant many times. I used to take offense, but I don't care anymore. I don't try to be arrogant. I actually make an effort to tone it down. I find it annoying when other people act arrogant, so I get it. People I get along with either understand it or simply don't care about it.

I've been called shy for all of my life. One day, when I was told that again, I promised to myself that I'll do anything just to not be called shy anymore. Since then(about a year) I take socializing as a job. I often think of situations in life as scenes in theatre and myself as an actor. It helps a bit but then sometimes in the end of the day I'm totally lost and don't know who I really am.

Lately I've been purposely practising social situations. I started volunteering for different events and go to work where I need to talk to people all day long. One interesting thing I've learned is that talking to strangers(customers at work, new acquaintances etc) is a lot easier that talking to people I know(coworkers, friends). Maybe because strangers are always more friendly(as I am when meeting new people) and that makes me feel better when people smile a lot.

I often feel people don't respect me. And unfortunately I'm not a fighter, when someone tells me something negative, mostly I don't answer. I'm not afraid of anything, I just can't tell people bad things or yell at them. So, I can't say I'm rude and as I'm not afraid of talking, I also can't say I'm shy. I don't know what I am...

2205 wrote:Since then(about a year) I take socializing as a job.

Great respect, wow. This is really gutsy.

2205 wrote:I often feel people don't respect me. And unfortunately I'm not a fighter, when someone tells me something negative, mostly I don't answer.

Don't feel alone there. Sometimes i wonder if there's an Aspie smell. because i get the feeling that some folks smell aspie on me long before i give them the chance to realize it, and you get that roll of the eyes, and the twitch of the mouth and you know ......."I've lost this one". They never had the chance to get to know you, but they all think they have this collective right to label you.

I think you're saving a lot of energy by not answering, because the few times i tried to answer, it did not make a difference.

Well..there's a trick to being taken seriously. No "smell" amount it, it just comes down to how one's projecting one's self to others.

I don't know the trick, unfortunately...but from what I've read, the first 20-30 seconds of talking to someone is the most important, where most of the opinions are formed. For better or worse...that's kinda what's going on. Also, when people don't look each other in the eye and all, trust is kinda hard to form. Some people think liars are those who look away. Also, since many aspies may not appear friendly or approachable..that just causes more problems for developing trust.

*shrug* sucks, yeah..there are ways of fixing it, just lots of work is involved. Having spent years trying to fix some of these things for myself, I believe that to a degree it's useful to work on..but too much causes a lot of issues.

TDT wrote:"smell

Hehe, this happens after watching 3 Twilights back to back with your daugther.

what worries me is it can be sensed over email also. There's more to it than just the 20 seconds thing. baffles me brains i tell you.