How do people live like this?

One of my biggest fears is having my hair cut by a stranger. I used to try to do it myself, but I suck at it and I don't want to look like a freak. So, I put off going to the hair salon for as long as I can get away with. I dont like for people to be that close to me physically, and it makes me feel like I'm under a microscope. Public speaking, going to the dentist, having my picture taken, and eating in public are other fears that make me feel that way too. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and major depression, and anxiety. I take effexor and buspar. They don't seem to be working though. I have panic attacks from time to time, but I've learned how to stop myself from hyperventilating. I hate living with so much fear. I totally get how limiting it is, and I don't want to continue living like this.

I was always shy as a kid. I can remember feeling awkward and insecure when I was in the 1st grade. I was good academically in school, but otherwise it was a nightmare, especially Jr. High and the little bit of high school I attended before dropping out in the 10th grade. As a young adult, I ended up in detox and became suicidal because of intense anxiety over a presentation I had to do for a college class. I've dropped other classes because of having to speak in front of the class. I used to have panic attacks even when I simply wanted share my thoughts in class discussions. I would sweat profusely, and before I realized what was happening, my hands and sometimes feet would get all tingly or cramp up on me.

I didn't know they were panic attacks until a year ago when I had such a bad one following a day with my mother who was ill, I had to have my husband carry me from the bathroom because I couldn't walk - my hands and feet had cramped up and I couldn't get myself off of the toilet. I had gone in there because I was nauseated. I thought I was dying or having a stroke or something. I made a Dr. appointment the next day. He told me it was a panic attack, and to breathe into a paper bag if it happened again. He also prescribed Xanax for occassional use. I didn't even think I had been upset when it happened. At least I know what it is now.

Over the last few years my world has become smaller and smaller. I've gotten to the point where I hardly leave the house (sometimes I barely get out of bed) except to go to work or to my one and only friend's house. Even the grocery store is getting harder for me to handle. I avoid anything which might require me to interact with people. I am easily embasrrassed, and feel so awkward when trying to carry on a conversation. I never know what to say. I always end up thinking I sounded stupid or the other person thinks I'm wierd, or rude or boring. I crave human interaction and when I'm not totally depressed I really like people. Parties are nighmarish and exhausting for me. It's starting to effect my job because I never attend the social events or socialize with colleagues.

How do people live like this? It feels more like an existence than a life.

Any insight or other comments will be greatly appreciated.

Hi,

I think this is a case of 'not realising there is a major problem until you're at your wits' end'. When we do that, we don't address what we're going through properly and we slip further and further away from happiness. I hit rock-bottom about three years ago, but I am getting back to where I was ever so slowly.

You don't have to be inflicted with anxiety forever and, although your doctor's view of you having a panic attack was correct, it fails to grasp the main problem as to why you had the panic attack in the first place. Go back to him and tell him that you need something more than just to be given medication and told to "breathe into a paper bag".

Counselling sessions may help you, if you can afford them.

Take care,
Kevin

hi mate
ill give ye one tip join the army !! they will tezch you to live with fear an to love it .!!! what a rush ...u wont give ashit about standing up in some silly school class..
all the best..

dusty24,
was your comment supposed to be helpful? well, it isn't. why are you posting messages in this forum? do you suffer with an anxiety disorder or another form of mental illness? besides, i don't support wars, they solve nothing, just create more suffering, so joining the military would not make a bit of sense. also, it may be that you think school is silly, however, school happened to be very, very important to me. hey, there's a thought, an education, maybe you should give it a try. from what you've shown of yourself in your posts you seem like you could use a little more education, oh and maybe some sensitivity training as well.

im sorry if ye found me post insensitive was not meant to be .
however there lies one of ye problems .stop making excuses for everything for why you cant do anything !!!!
instead of critising my post wakeup stop feeling sorry for yeself !! just do what ye want do !! i had worse problem than ye before i joined army an now these probs are gone .. i also was making excuses for myself like you .. but realised the only person who can help yeself is you !! no god , no spirit an all that bollocks!!

Relax guys... ...what is good for one person isn't necessarily good for another. So, the army was good for dusty24 but, damaged, he was only trying to share his story with you in an attempt to help you. dusty24, it wasn't necessary to retort to damaged's attack on you either.

I don't expect ye to make-up, but if this thread just degenerates into an argument about nothing in particular, then I will just lock it and ye can take ye're bickering elsewhere.

damaged, everyone just lives an "existence", as you put it; but it's about what you do in that existence that matters. So, do something that you enjoy and make a name for yourself if you can. You don't appear to be content to live a 'normal' life, so, get out there and do something extravagant. It may not seem like it but we have lots of freedom in this world.

Kevin

Okay guys, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm feeling paralyzed with anxiety. Dusty24, I apologize for getting defensive with you. I totally get what you mean about making excuses, but I don't think that's what I'm doing. I don't want to argue either, but I do wish to be understood. I certainly don't believe I have it worse than anyone else, and I don't want to get into a pissing contest over whose problems are worse.

i had worse problem than ye before i joined army an now these probs are gone ..

See, in spite of being incested by three male family members, raped by a stranger, growing up with a suicidal mom in a violent family, I am now married to a wonderful guy and have 2 amazingly bright, beautiful daughters. I've had no support of any kind from extended family; either they were struggling just to survive, or they just couldn’t be bothered with me. After being forced by my child molesting “sperm-donor” to drop out of high school, I put myself through college, and was the first in my family to graduate college (and with honors!). It took me a long time to finish, but I did it!

u wont give ashit about standing up in some silly school class..

I don't think any of those classes were silly.

Twelve years ago I traveled to Eastern Europe (on my own $) to work in an orphanage and with street kids because I believed helping people who were worse off than me would help me get over my own pain. It worked! -for a while. See, I believe happiness is the best revenge. I’m an elementary teacher now, and I’m teaching summer school, but I don’t have a school-year job yet. By the grace of God, I've evercome many problems, and I've succeeded in many ways. Much gratitude!
My mother died of COPD in December of last year. I knew she was dying, and I was in a race to finish college so I (and my kids) could spend more quality time with her before it was too late. She died three days after my graduation. She was my last connection to my family of origin. As with most people the grieving process takes time. I don't expect to be an exception to that rule.

Twenty years ago, after I wound up in a psych hospital, I was diagnosed with PTSD, major depression, and more recently with generalized anxiety disorder. I went through years of therapy which I paid for myself. When I left therapy I was much stronger. Through the years I’ve had ups and downs like everyone. But, the last year and a half has been particularly stressful. My mom was dying and I was on the road a bunch (she lives 2 hours away) to visit her, I was working full-time, going to school full-time, doing my practicum, co-parenting two young daughters, and all the regular stuff that goes with life. I held it together just fine through all of that. In fact, I've held it together for a lot of years. Have you, Kevin or Dusty24, ever lost the only parent who ever loved you? Maybe you have. Well, with my graduation, loss of Mom, and loss of my full-time job, I suddenly found myself with a lot more free time than I was used to, and nothing to really take my attention away from my emotions. Guess what? It's all caught up with me, and it's felt like a tidal wave washing over me.

I will not apologize for having a hard time. Nor will I try to force myself to go out there when I am not feeling safe. I've tried that and it doesn't work for me. I’ve seen my doc and a therapist to help me work through this. I'm here posting in order to try to heal. This weekend, I’ll be going boating with my husband and daughters. I normally love life, but sometimes this anxiety stops me from being able to. I really don’t need to be scolded.

wakeup stop feeling sorry for yeself !! just do what ye want do !!

or told

You don't appear to be content to live a 'normal' life, so, get out there and do something extravagant.

Living with PTSD and the depression and anxiety that come with it is not my idea of a "normal life" Kevin.

So, thanks guys, for playing devil's advocate for me. It has really been helpful for me to take a closer look at what's going on with me. I wish you both the best.

Thanks for reading this very long post.

Hey,

I feel that we have done something good here after-all because you have taken the time out to write all of that about yourself; and I'm sure that you felt good afterwards. If you wish to write more, then please do - We will be here to read it. You are older than I am (I am guessing) and obviously have greater wisdom than I do. I was never once suggesting that anything is easy for you though. I know only too well how hard it can be break-out of - how should I put it - a 'tough life'.

From your story though, I can see that you have bounced back from hardships before. Maybe it is ingrained in you to never give up, no matter how hard things become. Whatever the case, one can only admire you for speaking your mind and outpouring your heart to us here.

Take care,
Kevin