Commitment Phobia

I have recently split up with my girlfriend who I was with for about a year and a half. We split up because I have commitment phobia and anxiety problems and I constantly question everything and look for bad points in her and occasionally have panic attacks which cause me to run away.

It started just under 2 years ago and we were really happy. About 9 months down the line though I saw a girl I was attracted to and this made me question the relationship and caused me to have a panic attack. After this I was wondering why I had the panic attack and started to worry that it was because the relationship wasn't right for me. This caused a string of panic attacks and caused me to split and with her 3 or 4 times because I would feel an overwhelming fear that the relationship wasn't right and that I needed run away. Every time we split up after about 1-2 weeks I would start to miss her and want to get back with her but every time I did the panic attacks returned. We ended up splitting up for good (or so I thought) and now we have been apart for about 3 months and I really miss her. I started talking to her about 2 weeks ago and we clicked again and I was really nice and I felt happy... but scared. We started to get closer and closer but the closer we got the more scared I got. Eventually I had a panic attack again and everything came back for me.

After this I was gonna just let her go but I couldn't because I just love her too much. So I looked on the internet and found people saying about commitment phobia and these people are going through exactly the same thing as me. I have accepted that I have this and I know I have anxiety problems anyway but I don't know how to get over it.

So if there is anyone out there who can help me or anyone who has got through something like this please let me know. I live in London and if anyone knows anyone in or around London who can help me with counseling or something please let me know. I am not going to let this girl go without a fight. I love her so much and I am going to do anything I can to get rid of these problems.

Hi,

I don't live in London myself but I live across the sea in Ireland (just outside Dublin). I think that you majorly overreacted when you suddently realised that you were attracted to a different girl. I mean, it's natural to be attracted to other girls but who is the one that you love; that you are most comfortable with? You know the answer.

I'm not sure about committment phobia as such. I believe that you can be a committed person but that you are just scared that what happened before will happen again. Look at it this way though: You have learned from previous mistakes and are now a wiser person.

As a person who lost a girl he loved due to sheer arrogance and pomp, I will say this to you: If you have love, don't lose it without a fight.

Kevin.

The one and only thing about this situation that I know for sure is that the connection between me and this woman is extremely strong. We are best friends and we can be totally honest with each other and we trust each other implicitly. I think the problem with me is an unrealistic picture of perfection. I expect too much from her and there is no possible way that her (or probably any other woman) can meet my expectations. I find myself picking bad points out of the relationship and this causes me to believe that the relationship is wrong. The thing is, is that this is my first real relationship. I have never managed to get past 3 months before this relationship and none of them have been serious. I don't know how I should be feeling at this point and I'm scared that what I'm feeling isn't right. I worry so much that if my feelings aren't right and that I am with the wrong person and I will be unhappy for the rest of my life and this causes me to panic and want to run away. The ironic thing about this is that when I am not worrying about this in the relationship I am happy. I love being with her and I wish I could just be with her without "picking her apart" and worrying that it is wrong all the time. I think that there are a few factors which cause all these problems and these are: 1 Striving for perfection. 2 Worrying that my feelings are not true and that I am going to be in an unhappy relationship for the rest of my life. 3 Mistaking the "comfortable" time in the relationship for me not being in love with her anymore. It all gets too much for me sometimes and I get so confused. It is as if I am always wanting what I can't have i.e. When I'm not with her, all I can think about is her and how much she means to me but when we are together again I spend my time thinking maybe I'd be happier with someone else. I just want for this problem to go so we can be happy together again and I will fight for her till I cannot fight anymore because I genuinely believe she is my soul mate.

This is sounding more and more like my first relationship too. I ended it because I wanted to try my chances with other girls. The relationship was going fine at that point. No sooner had I broke-up with her that I realised it was a mistake; that I loved her. She is now married to someone else and I still regret my decision to break-up with her all those years ago.

I don't know what exactly you should do because I don't know you, and I also don't know the entire situation you are in. How long have you been with her now?

I was with her for about a year and a half and then we split up for about 3 months and now we have been talking for about 2 weeks. I am so confused at the minute. I am terrified of doing the wrong thing.

If you can, drop the fear and just be happy with what you've got. Understand right now that you never realise how much you love someone until they're gone. I understand that it might seem very difficult at the moment to simply drop the fear, but you just have to continue working on the thought and eventually it will be easier.

Kevin.

Thanks for the advice, you have given me strength. I have been looking on the internet over the last couple of days to find more information about this and I have discovered that I suffer from OCD and not commitment phobia.

We're sounding ever-more alike here! I was diagnosed with OCD a few years ago, but that was after I broke up with the girl I mentioned earlier. Have you told her about this?; and would you go to a doctor about it?

Yeah she knows about it and I think it has helped her to understand what has been going on. I am going to see a doctor soon to try and sort out some CBT. It has been such a relief discovering that I have this (that's a strange thing to say) because it has put everything in it's place and now I understand my actions and thinking. I can handle having OCD but I can't handle having OCD and not knowing that I have OCD, that is too confusing.

That's a coincidence that you have OCD too! What type is it (if you don't mind me asking)? Mine is the purely obsessional type so it is entirely in my head. How are you getting on with it at the moment?

Sam

Hi,

I'm glad that you're appearing more confidant about things now. My OCD is mostly obsessions but I do have compulsions too - They are not very serious though. I was diagnosed with OCD about three years ago now by a psychiatrist and then saw a CBT therapist for approximately 18 months. She helped me a lot and, even though I don't see her anymore, I still use bits of advice that she gave me. In other words, CBT therapy really helped.