I Stop existing

Hello folks, here is my thing:

I stop existing, at least i think I do, because obviously i have no one around with me i can think of a fulfilled life, meaning like i am stuffed with work, with people around, that keep me busy.

I think it is just normal, but i got to this critical point where i think i stop existing quite fast. Then, I know I have to do something, change it, but especially in my childhood there were no reasons or ways to change it, so i left it, like accepting there is no one out there and you'Re the last descendend of your kind, or something like that, because there weren't any people around worth the trouble of changing the world around.

now i somehow figured out, that there are people, thinking somewhat of alike me, still it feels more like i'm a stranger having looked into the void for way too long, because there isn't any substance left of me at least i think that. but now that i think of it, something sparkles within, gets reminded that i should be someone, am someone, have to recall the script that defines me recalls my standard behaviour, the things i do without thinking about them, that just let me exist. but then there is this other thing, this voice implanted in my head, like a bad memory of past reminding what scum i am, that everything i do is unlovable crap i must not talk about it, i must not have an opinion I must obey, i must be off until i am called for work... just like a vaccuuming robot being put on to do his weekly duty.
This is really my past, that defines me, of not being free of just being nothing more than a tool that must be ready for use at all times... still i'm fighting for my freedom, nearly drive mad when i have to hear i MUST do something.

I like being around with people, not that i want to be part of them it always feels like i have to obey their being, must be a slave. but i like this illusion of being free of being part of society for at least some time. i like to vanish in the masses or see people what they are, except when they look like more degenerated people like me. Dont get me wrong i look handsome, but thee are people out there, with a physiogmical structure, that i have to spew, and those are most people, sociopsychologically created in othere inferior ways unworthy of the title of socialliberate creation, or in my case being worthy to be called a human being. me likewise, still i am interpersonal quite a catch, am funny, got many characters within, but i want to make a change, want to liberate the world of those inferior creations, thus i have to supply the new generation with more content of life more lust for freedom, more lust for adventure and i kindled curiosity.

Well enough for that, i wish i culd just be a part of a society worthy my expectations, right now im stuck in a shithole of a town with mind degenerated consumers just funcitoniing for the system and their poor choices of freedom of creating a very self...

Yeah I get what you are saying and can relate. I live in a horrible small town too where everyone is just interested in waking up, going to work for 40 years, retiring, and then dying. That's all there is to their entire lives. That kind of fate seems pretty depressing to me, and I struggle to keep motivated.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? There may be an underlying mental health issue (clinical depression for example) that is exacerbating the problem.