I don't know what to do

**posting again because I accidently posted under wrong topic

For your information I am 18 and a senior in high school.

This is an abridged version of the last 8 years of my life:

8 years ago, I was extremely happy, with a big social life (in respect to an average 5th grader). I noticed a slight change as I entered middle school, but it seemed to stem from shyness more than anything else. I conquered this and still enjoyed a pretty exciting middle school. During middle school, I often found myself in trouble (nothing violent, but for things like insabordination **spelling). High school seemed to start off similarly to middle school. But, again some how I started to really enjoy it. Here, however, everything seemed to go down hill. Towards the end of ninth grade, something happened which I still do not wish to say. It was somewhat traumatizing and has plagued me ever since. Also, it is something that very few people know about. Following this I started to see myself losing interests in certain activities and slowly I became more and more shy. The only positive change I saw was I began to put minimal efforts in to school rather than none. My grades rose rapidly. In tenth grade, I seemed to start to only have one friend. By the way, he knows the secret. I lost any social drive and noticed that I had a very small attention span. From tenth grade to know, my conditions have worsened. I feel akward, innattentive, shy, inept in social matters, and incredibly stressed in my mind. When someone talks to me, especially my friend and girlfriend (she was very forward with me and somehow I began to enjoy her company--11th grade I met her and she does not know my secret) I seemed to lack emotion. It is very troubling because people get angry at me and constantly joke that I am antisocial--no one makes fun of me at school if that is what your thinking. It hurts because I feel helpless against my problems despite anything going for me. A few weeks ago, I told my friend about how I have been feeling (by the way, I had to get drunk to do this) and he even seems to be less attentive to me now (almost like I am holding him back--we always hang out). My girlfriend, who truly loved me, thinks of me as horrible despite her feelings because I cannot express my emotions fully. I also lack a sex drive almost completely. In effort to prevent rambling I will also mention that recently I went to see a psychiatrist who I would not dare discuss my true feelings but simply told him SOME of my symptoms. Unfortunately, I neglected to mention some of my true problems. I got diagnosed with ADD and now take 40 mg of Adderall--which often barely affects me at all. One time I took 80mg (i know this is not good) but it made me feel like I had emotions and could express them--it was such an incredible feeling. I am too embarrased to tell anyone (especially a psychologist about my problems -- neglecting the cost) and just do not know how much longer I can stand the pain that comes with the slow and painful slippage towards social incompetence.

If anyone could help me it would mean a lot because lately I have seemed to question whether or not I can handle going to college this way. My problem would paralyze me totally if I was not constantly told that I am very smart and can do anything I want.

I hate to keep extending this but I also hate attention and get no satisfaction out of getting teacher recognition in front of the class, for example and some family background: uncle is bipolar and I believe my parents (who have divorced) or atleast one parent actively takes antidepressants.

tell the psychiatrist, they have heard everything before, write a note for him to read, this may make things easier

I just registered and figured I would reply.
I must say that I had and still do have the feelings you are talking about. Unfortunately personally when I as a guy have opened up to people it has normally pushed them away. Most people dont know how to deal with guys that are messed up. And to me everybody has every disorder just to a different extent based on experience and surroundings. The best advise I can give you is socializing is the key to getting better and staying up. I to did not feel comfortable talking to a therapist for one because of all the liability wavers they had on feeling suicidal it almost as though they want to be able to use it against you. Secondly I know what wrong with me its just hard to fix your self even though you know the solution. Life doesnt get easier and I will express the importance of school and a degree. It will pay off very quickly if you do it first and finish.

It really helps if you come out wit your problem. As hard as it may be...it'll be so much better if someone who can help you knowz about it. Trust me, i've had those feelings too. There are a lot of things when i was younger that i would be soo uncomfortable saying to other people...even to grown ups i can trust, close friends, n even my own mom. But later i just learned to let my it go n told people i trusted. once i put it out in the open....it felt really great....human beings can be surprisingly understanding. So no matter wat the problem is...im sure u'r physcologist has heard it before, it's their job to be really really understanding. so u shuld let them kno. like a previous poster mentioned...writing it down mite make it easier if it's harder to communicate it verbally.

I've been having anxiety issues, fear issues etc... the best thing I could do was sit down and write the :

Who -

What -

Where -

When-

Why -

Under each question, I would write who I trust and who I mis trust and who I have no feeling towards.

Then What ? What did these people do to gain or lose my trust /attachment

Where - What places can you think of that an event or series of them would cause you to be emotionally disturbed?

When... What was life like as a young kid (who were your friends then, what changed etc) what was life like as a younger teen...what happened? What is your secret? spill it to your psychiatrist so they can help you determine what's wrong with you!

Why? Why are you keeping in your secrets? Why are you hurting?


You need help, you need to let this sink in. I hope that you will get what you need so you can establish healthy and fulfilling relationships in your future.

(hugs!!)