The Silent Treatment

Apologies if this topic has come up before, but I did a search on it and couldn't find anything relevant.

I have a good friend that suffers from ASPD. He is currently incarcerated for murder. This is not the first violent offense he has committed. To cut a long story short, there are times when he inundates me with attention, calls, love letters and kisses on visit days. There are other times where he will go missing for weeks, then call up and act like no time has passed and everything is OK.

Recently, we had a big argument over the phone, where I told him I was tired of being f***ed around, led on like an idiot while waiting to see if he wants to be with me or return to his ex and that I was sick of his dishonesty about everything. He displayed some extremely controlling behaviors and I called him out on it, told him I wouldn't put up with it. He apologized profusely over a series of about 8 (monitored) phone calls. From that day on I have never heard from him again. That was 3 weeks ago.

Needless to say, I have been losing my mind as to what he is thinking, whether or not he hates me... is our friendship over or not... has he returned to his ex... I even wrote him to say sorry for how rudely I spoke to him but never heard back.

So my question is... is this predictable behavior? To give the silent treatment for long periods? What goes through your head in this instance? Do people with ASPD have devalue/discard cycles? Do you usually go back? Or once someone is deemed worthless thats it? Even after everything I have done for him and helped him out with... I feel so used and sad, I really care for him but I feel like its wasted because it isn't returned.

First I'll say move on, it seems silly to be hanging onto this guy.

britneybaby wrote: Do people with ASPD have devalue/discard cycles?

Many do.

britneybaby wrote:What goes through your head in this instance?

I will drop off the face of the earth to people who get too clingy and like me too much, it's boring... especially if there's nothing I want or need from them. I will talk to them again if I think they can be of use.

What will sometimes get my 'interest' back, is when someone acts like I don't exist... I'll sometimes repeat the whole discard cycle over again... once I see I have the control back over them, I lose interest. If you insist on him, try staying at an arms length... don't apologize to him for calling him out on crap, don't suck up to him... act like you could take him or leave him. If he never contacts you again... move on and find someone else.

I think you have emotional dependency issues. The men who get that clingy with me do as well.

You will always be whatever it is that you are to him. He will always behave this way toward you.

Contact him in a few months or years and it will be like you never stopped talking. Have fun until he drops you again? My advice is don't talk to him because you can't handle the reality of the situation, or to use him as a rebound/time killer.

Maybe he is not contacting you because he thinks you lost interest. Maybe his attention shifted elsewhere for the time being. I personally do this to people all the time and it's not even a conscious thing. I don't devalue them. I just do something else.

he most likely lost interest in you when you told him that you will not put up with how he treats you.. Since he is in prison, he really has no control over you and probably does not like that..
If he is anything like me then he would like to be in control the entire time. Plus you seem very clingy to him and that would get annoying and kinda boring.

I normally ditch people when they have no use to me anymore. Maybe he did the same

I appreciate your responses... you have all confirmed what I thought - I became too available and needy and he lost interest... I definitely have co-dependency issues and he is not the first guy I have liked that has had a PD and is extremely controlling...

My first reaction was to write a nasty letter telling him to burn all my letters and photos because I regret sending them... then I wanted to disconnect my phones to prevent him from calling again.. because I know he will work his way back in with charming words and crazy excuses as to where he disappeared to once he gets bored...

But I think you are right I should just move on to something better and forget about him and just maintain this silence... Besides, I have my own issues and don't think I will be capable of dealing with the multitude of issues he will have now and once he gets released, its just too hard.

britneybaby wrote:My first reaction was to write a nasty letter telling him to burn all my letters and photos because I regret sending them...

that is a transparent cry for attention because you feel hurt and neglected. don't do it.

britneybaby wrote:But I think you are right I should just move on to something better and forget about him

Yes, you absolutely should. Something better is therapy though, not another guy to replace him.

textbook case!

like attracts like

it is not particularly his problem
even if he changes you will never be satisfied
bc you are attracted to him and you cannot abandon him now
bc you like HIM, so if he changes and become ideal boyfriend you could lose interest
so change yourself , make yourself to be attracted to nice guys that is the right way

it may be still hard for you to leave him
it is like fighting drug addiction

psychopaths are not same human like us
when you talk to bee you should talk in bee language not human language
if you talk about your feelings and empathy things
it wouldnt be undetstood
like trying to teach math equation to goldfish..

you may find him special cuz it feels like he is different
yes he is different he is bee not human
but it is not really he is particularly interesting as much as you feel
superficial charm, it has nothing inside
only fabulous cover you are being totally deceived

find some therapist
who will fix his pd if not at least yourself

to be not attracted to such a loser who believes he is special
when he actually has nothing like real charm

but if you still have to be with him
abandon your attachment which is trying to
make a wild fox to be your faithful dog
told you different species
if he disappears spend time as if you dont know him
if he comes back treat him gladly as if wild fox surprisingly and unexpectedly visited you again
and as if it is your first time meeting him in your life
think that you are lucky
you could never have met him in your life

develop yourself heal your mind rather than being stressed out
stress doesnt solve anything

hmm you may be attracted to aspd
dont bite poisonous fake apple no matter how
it looks delicious
just watch it dont bite
if you bited already and addicted well
wait until u die

orrrr dont be afraid fighting it
abusers make you feel afraid
that u cannot find better one if you leave abuser
that ur not good enough
that ur not lucky
that you will not be happy without them
but bul llsh itt
YOU CAN BE HAPPY YOU DONT NEED LOSERS

wait wait

I read something fun in schizoid forum... what was that....
SPD JOKE FORUM

fluke30 wrote:Like when I'm sitting in the passenger seat I like to say, "Jesus you nearly hit that dead baby"

Also I would like to say to the next psychopath that comes up to me because they think I'm weak and innocent, "###$ off or I'll break your legs and rip out your throat" in the calmest voice I can think of... because that would be awesome

Say to the next psychopath that comes up to you,
"###$ off or I'll break your legs and rip out your throat" in the calmest voice you can think of... because that would be awesome

britneybaby wrote:So my question is... is this predictable behavior? To give the silent treatment for long periods?

For me it is. When I lose interest in someone I will simply ignore them as though they never existed. Not everybody is so easy to push away though. Sometimes you have to get the point across... one way or another.

What goes through your head in this instance?

If ignoring them doesn't cause problems, then I just carry on as normal and the other person becomes irrelevant. I don't need to give that much thought.

Do people with ASPD have devalue/discard cycles?

I do. I'll place more value on someone who benefits me then someone who doesn't and I'll simply discard them once I'm done using them.

Do you usually go back?

I haven't in the past, so I would say no, but if I could see a use for them again then I would reconsider their 'friendship'.

Or once someone is deemed worthless thats it?

Yes. I don't bother wasting my time on people I consider worthless.

Even after everything I have done for him and helped him out with... I feel so used and sad, I really care for him but I feel like its wasted because it isn't returned.

Feeling sad seems pointless to me. So you were used, big deal. There are worse things in life than that. Deal with it and move on.

Psychopaths do that. The real ones.
Remember Hannibal Lecter? Sometimes he just wouldn't talk at all.
The psychopaths can turn to stone and not say a word.
YOU - as the girlfriend (or ex girlfriend) to a psychopath need to learn your place. As a normal lperson like me, who is not a psychopath, we can't demand the psychopath speaks to us. The psychopaths are essentially IQ god's. They are like dark princes or black angels who move through the world, speaking whenever they feel the urge and killing those they dislike.
We, as lovers of the true psychopaths have no right to complain or demand they speak to us.
You should feel honoured that he spoke to you for the time he did.
Even when the psychopath I loved got angry at me and threatened to kill me, I still felt happy because I read that a psychopath doesn't need to hate someone to murder them, which means he did still care about me.