am i a sociopath?

i'm here trying to find out which personality disorder i have. i'm sure i have one of these, but i have no idea which one. i'm thinking that maybe i have APD, coz somehow i have the symptoms. but i'm not too sure about that so that's why i'm posting this.

first of all, i've had an unhappy childhood. well, its not really that harsh or anything, but i have had my ups and downs. i have been raped when i was a kid by a lesbian inside our bathroom (i am girl by the way). and i had no idea whatsoever what she was doing to me. i never told my parents until now. i just realized on my own what she did to me. i guess that has affected me somehow.

i live with my grandmother since i was a kid. she took me from the hospital coz my parents were not married and she was not confident that my mother could take care of me because she was still 18 and she hadn't finished schooling yet. I live in the Philippines by the way. Here, it is important that you finish your college education in order to find a good job. unfortunately for our country, we are run by idiotic monkeys.

so i have been with my grandmother for the past 21 years of my life. she was the one who took care of me together with my cousin, the son of my mother's sister who is addicted to drugs and she doesn't know who my cousin's father is. i have 4 half brothers and sister who are on my father's side. they are older than me. i also have four siblings. my father had married somebody in the past, but when he was going out with my mother, they were already annuled. until now, my father and mother haven't been married. and they are living separately. my mother doesn't have a job and also my father. my mother is being supported by my grandmother.

anyway, since i was a kid, my folks had high expectations for me coz as they had told me, i was a bright kid. i could read and memorize things at an early age. but when i got to school everything seemed to be the opposite. i never really liked school and i would rather play outside. i would be really quiet inside the class, but outside i was the opposite. when i got to gradeschool, everything was okay until i was pressured coz i was put in an exclusive school and we were not rich. everybody there seemed to have lots of money, so i began to lie to impress people. it was there that i suffered some of the worst moments of my life. i was being teased and bullied in school. nobody would want to get near me coz i was weird. i just had my own way of thinking. one time, my classmates branded me that i had a virus and anybody wouldn't touch my stuff. it was there that my lying got worse. i hated them and wanted to get out. my teachers didn't exactly support me coz i was a problem child coz i wouldn't do my projects, assignments and i had poor grades. i got into fights and stuff like that. my folks would just tell me that i needed to learn how to defend myself.

when i got out of that school and became a highschool student in a notoriously known university, i began to think that i didn't want to be stepped on anymore. when i was in my first year, i wasn't that bad, but it was there that it started. i started to manipulate people, i started to become a bit popular and i got into fights, mostly with boys.

when i was a sophomore, my problem worsened. i joined the basketball team that year and the people there were not exactly the people my folks wanted me to hang out with. i learned how to drink, how to smoke and cut classes. i talked back to teachers and lied to them a lot of things about projects, i lied about getting my grades, even changing them, and i noticed that even when i got scolded, i didn't feel any guilt. i just felt good and victorious about it. i broke a lot of rules, i had relationships right and left that i wasn't serious about. i didn't care. i manipulated people into helping me do things and being their friend. they helped me and they saw me as a good individual when in face i wasn't. i took pride in conning friends, teachers and my folks. i felt good when i got away with it all.

it was there that i failed my sophomore year and i had to take it all over again at the same school. at first i felt embarrassed and guilty about what i did and for awhile i was good. but it just got back. i could not stop my lying and manipulating. i didn't even care about what other people told me, just as long as everything was fine and that i could get away with it, nothing mattered to me.

now i am in college. i still did a lot of things. i should have been graduating next year, but still i'm here, and i'm still doing the same things. my friends have seen my bad traits. they knew i used my payment for the tuition to buy things and told people that we didn't have anything to pay for it. my folks are struggling financially, but still i didn't care. now, my grades are plummeting, my two best friends are really angry at me and they call me a manipulator. they tell me that i'm selfish, but i don't care anymore about what they say. yes, i do feel guilty about what i did, and i don't like hurting them. but that just seems to fly away from my thoughts, i rather feel good about what i do and do what i do even with these problems in front of me. and i just used a friend of mine to feel better about the problems i had. even until now, i still lie even though the fact is staring right at my face that i might fail again. and there are still people who are willing to help me.

pretty sick isn't it?

i don't know what i'm dealing with, but i want to do something about it. i just don't like to be this way, i do care about what happens around me, but i just tend to try and erase it out of my head because what i want is what should come first.

do i have apd? and if not then what is this i'm dealing with? i want to change but can't. i always backslide to who i was before.

please enlighten me with what i am facing and how to face it coz i just don't like what i'm dealing with here.

thank you.

Hi Kwarto,
I'm not a doctor so I can't diagnosis but your condition doesn't sound like full blown antisocial personality disorder. My husband has antisocial personality and there was more disturbance before age 15 like violence, setting fires, theft, and legal trouble. My teenaged son also has antisocial and we deal with gang activity, oxycontin abuse, violence, carrying weapons. It is hell on a parent. It sounds like you felt you had to develop this hard person to deal with some of the social problems with other kids. Nobody can hurt you if you don't care right? It makes you immune if they exclude you or tease you. Honey, I would talk to someone at the colleges guidance center and set up an appointment for an evaluation. They will be able to get you to someone qualified to make a diagnosis and help you regain control of yourself and your life.
Hugs, Nikki

I didn't read this but someone clearly thought it was relevant.

ajr8 wrote:I didn't read this but someone clearly thought it was relevant.

ur mom thought ur dads dick was relevant

Obviously

Ah yes, I remember when I started this thread. Those were the days...

Little Boy Lost wrote:Ah yes, I remember when I started this thread. Those were the days...

So you were a girl and waas raped a lesbian?
I guess you're a Little Girl Lost..

EmpathySucks wrote:

Little Boy Lost wrote:Ah yes, I remember when I started this thread. Those were the days...

So you were a girl and waas raped a lesbian?
I guess you're a Little Girl Lost..

I am all things to all people. I am certainly a rapist lesbian.

haha haha