AsPDs and Psychopaths raising Children

Tempest80 wrote:I've never thought of being different as a gift, I used to always think/feel I was far more superior than other people.

That's what I mean by a gift, lol, being better then people because of it, having no guilt for pretty much anything. I'm not a psychopath or sociopath though.

Tempest, you say you love your kids and you give them affection, and that you are pretty sure you would give your life for them, which is all great. You've obviously got enough of something "normal" in there to be able to be a parent of some sort...

But i would say you're not being compassionate enough with their empathic reactions - don't tell them to pull themselves together when they can't. I remember going to watch Jurassic Park with a friend when it was first out at the cinema - she fainted - i thought she was ill and got the cinema to call an ambulance...

turned out she was scared. seeing that could be really, really hard for your little girl. i expect for her it really isn't, "aww, well that's a little sad isn't it? he got eaten..." for her, and that its probably something much stronger than that.

You sound like you're doing ok, and your children seem to be developing healthy empathy... it doesn't look like you're creating sociopaths, but if you reject their empathic responses, it will hurt them, and give them a few issues at least.

Maybe you need to introduce someone happy & healthy into their lives - another more emotionally healthy family member, a long term friend, someone who you know will stick around - someone who would be happy to get involved as a close relative, to give them someone to relate to who can help them deal with and identify emotion better - and relate to others emotionally too. I think its very important for children.

I'm not saying you're doing badly considering what you're up against, but there is always room for improvement in some places.

I don't know what's better - doing what you do and acting affectionate, or what Crys mentioned and being honest - i think if you feel annoyed towards your kids, they are going to pick up on that somehow, maybe get some therapy sessions to figure out your feelings of being annoyed and reframe them some way would be a good idea.

cien wrote:

Tempest80 wrote:Cien, that's a good explanation for kids. My youngest is so overly emotional she would burst out crying if I so much as I said about me didn't develop properly. I try hard to react the way i think I'm supposed to and show them affection when I think they need it, I do sometimes wonder if i sometimes give them affection when maybe I shouldn't... such as encouraging them to be too overly emotional... I'm not sure. It's definitely hard. I want my children to grow up happy and well adjusted.

Part of my care comes from a 'They're MINE and therefore they're superior and HAVE to turn out well adjusted and happy' mindset and part I think is genuine care... I'm not sure but I think it is.

Well I will ask my kids, especially the oldest when I think the reacion is too emotional. I say something like "I knwo you are sad right now, but can you tell me specifically what crying will accomplish? If will get you nowhere, there is no point in doing it so figure out a better way to work it out". I try to emphasize they can feel whatever they want but acting out is not productive. Not sure if that is the right answer but it seems to work so far.

And I get the my kids have to turn out better than everyone else's mentality. I am all about that

I know you are sad right now, but we'll figure a way to work it out" is good - you probably need to cut out the "can you tell me specifically what crying will accomplish? If will get you nowhere, there is no point in doing it" ! i think its more "it's ok, you don't need to cry cause we'll sort it out". teaching them to manage their own feelings...

this is a lot like my usual attitude to crying, "crying for therapy is ok, it has a purpose and gets you somewhere." - that's not normal and healthy... crying is for... - its an expression of human emotion... people have to share their emotions to bond with each other... people need to recognise and understand their own emotions not to be screwed up... still working on it personally, lol.

at the same time they have to learn how to deal with them and react to them right (like your example of i know you are sad right now, we'll figure a way to work it out.) i'm sure most people don't have to think it through like that, but i reckon they could explain if you asked.

i'm just mentioning what i've noticed in people who do have kids - when i was growing up, later, next door neighbours etc... idk. i don't have all the answers... find the most fantastic happy family you know, and talk to them about parenting. i know who i'd choose, my friend's parents from when i was at school - and the friend is a great example of a happy, healthy success as an adult.

I'm very much "each person to his own" about things. if i had kids (which i don't) if they want to be the soppiest, most empathic people on earth, as long as they are themselves and that's what they want, well good for them!

Since I'm not well adjusted, i can't see kids being mine as following on that they should turn out well-adjusted. trying to get it right tends to help, as long as you don't fall into treating your kids like test tube cases for "correct parenting techniques," without really trying to get why those things help, which i think can be just as bad.

I've experienced being on the recieving end of the kind of parenting where the child "has to turn out right", and trust me, it doesn't work, you just have to let them be themselves, and don't measure them by anything other than their own happiness and ability to nagivate the world in a way that seems to work for the kid, or your kids will turn out as screwed as you are or worse.

my best guess, would be work on yourself and your own understanding of people, and make sure your kids have other healthy influences in their lives. probably the things that will really help most...

there ends my "what i see not what i do" attempt at parenting advice - i dont have kids.

"Parenting for sociopaths" - kind of reads like the blind trying to lead the sighted... - next new title for "The Idiot's Guide To.." ? lol

Katana, No... I'm definitely not compassionate enough when it comes to their empathic reactions which is very hard to do when I'm essentially empathically blind lol I've never felt empathy before but it doesn't look like a very pleasant feeling so I don't think I'm missing anything lol

My kids do have regular exposure to family members who have normal emotional capabilities. I am seeing a Psychiatrist and have just been referred to a different one so I will see how that goes. Most Psychiatrists answers are "Learn to fake it better by reacting such and such a way to this and that" even my family Dr told me this. They've all said I'm wired this and will never learn or experience anything genuine but I can be trained to respond better... I do a pretty good job as it is with strangers but training in regards to my children would be good.

As for the 'My kids have to be better than everyone elses kids' mentality.. I don't believe I've ever pressured my kids or made them feel they weren't good enough or anything they've done isn't good enough. I encourage them and tell them what a good job they've done if they come running out of the room with a stick figure drawing lol I don't point out how the drawing could have been better, ever. If they ask for my input I might say something like "Why don't you add some grass in the picture" things along those lines. I've coached their baseball team for 4 seasons in a row now and I teach all the kids 'It's not about winning, it's about having fun' thing... I let all the kids regardless of skill have a rotating turn in every position unlike many of the other coaches who keep the best kids in certain spots. Their team may not win a lot but I know they all have tons of fun playing AND they congratulate the other team. I try to teach that lesson in everyday life for them as well. Just do their best... I think I hide my nature reasonably well with them. I have a very strong desire and need to win all the time... even if it's to be the first one to the red light LOL

I'm going to take Cien's idea of asking my kids what's bothering them and how can I help... maybe ask why it's bothering them... rather then telling them 'it's not real' I'll try validating their feelings more... first I need to be able to recognize when I need to do this. Since my mom has moved in I usually know when I've reacted how I shouldn't by the look she throws my way lol I'll often times when she's around I'll be looking to see what her expression is as I'm reacting to my kids. No reaction from her means it's appropriate and I will store it for future use.

Tempest80, do you reckon that it would hurt you if your kids died or something?

I try to envision what I would feel if they died and I can't, I have a hard time putting myself in the past or the future... I'm very much a 'in the present' type of person.

I would assume I would miss them if they died or were gone, I do quite like them and at times enjoy their company etc... I love them in my own way. I've only felt physical pain. Emotionally I've felt frustration, anger... although I'm not sure is frustration and anger are different from each other or not. I've felt not happy but I wouldn't call it sad... it's much more flat. I'm pretty flat when it comes to moods and emotions... well I pretty much lack emotions lol

I hope I never have to find out what I would feel or not feel if my children were to die as I'm sure I wouldn't like it.

Jm100 wrote:

Tempest80 wrote:Does your family know you feel nothing for them?

I also experience a great deal of laughter and fun hurting my family in verbal and mental ways and I don't know why. I consider being different a gift, do you?

Being different is no gift if it makes you hurt your family.

I don't believe the psycho I know feels anything for his children. He never abused or hit them, well, he did hit his daughter once, she was ranting at him about what a f###ing useless father he was, she slapped his face (he deserved it) so he slapped her back he told her 'Do not EVER hit me'
He said he regretted it instantly.
She once tried to commit suicide, more because of her mother I think who is very likely narcissistic. (Great set of parents poor kid!)

Mostly he ignored them, he did his own thing. Both parents preferred their son so probably a scapegoat/golden child dynamic going on.

He was not a good parent, even his son says he was useless. Both children feel hurt by his lack of interest in them, and get depressed.
I once asked him if he thought he'd been a good father he said, 'F##k yes, 'corse I do, bloody good look at the stuff they had, the cars they owned, they would have never lived liked that if it hadn't been for me.

Materially he did provide well. Poor little rich kids.

I tried to talk about did he have any love for them, had he spent much time, quality time with them etc.
He looked blank, shrugged and said you sound like Tom (his son) when he rings me after he's had a few beers, he whinges on about ' Dad you were never there at sports day, you never took an interest in us blah.blah,blah. 'You both talk a load of 'old bollocks!!!!'

So much for understanding He truly had no emotion, no empathy, everything for him was about status, control, money, flash cars and power.

The female AsPDs on here seem to be doing a reasonably good job at least they are aware, and are trying to be good parents. They sound better than my parents.

^^^ Yeah, true. Although your family are just random strangers with the same blood who just happened to give birth to you and raise you. I can't honestly see any difference between hurting them and hurting a stranger, but that's just me

Jm100, I agree... there is no difference to me between my mom, dad etc and some random stranger other then we share the same blood... except if someone else messes with my family the whole 'They're MINE' thought process comes out... kind of like a 'Don't play with MY toys' thing lol

I feel differently about my children obviously, they're more important than anyone else out there in my eyes. It's just the rest of my family. If my mom, sister or dad were to drop dead I wouldn't care, I'd not feel a thing... except my mom is useful to me so that would kind of suck I guess as it would negatively affect me.

ya, they're like possessions tempest. I know what you mean.

it's like when you buy a car. you want to take care of it right? do maintenance, protect it, make sure it doesn't get scratched, put gas in it, get regular check ups...it's yours, and you want it to last and look pretty. if someone steals it or you lose it you feel like you lost property, that's not a good feeling.

so your kids are like property. you gave birth to them, they are yours, you own them, if anything happens to them you lose property. I don't see how you would die for your kids though. I suppose they are slightly more than property to you. I wouldn't die for my Lexus, lol

Exactly... my family is property to me.

You're "I wouldn't die for my Lexus, lol" comment made me laugh out loud! lol

I do see my kids as my property to an extent... I certainly did more so at first, when they were born they were strange little creatures to me and I had NO bond whatsoever to them. I never understood why most women get all emotional at the birth of their children... I never got that way. They were NOT cute or attractive at all when they were born... newborns aren't! People would comment on how adorable they were and I'd think 'They are NOT! Liar!!' lol well my youngest was a better looking baby then my oldest was. I guess my bond with my kids developed over time... years even... they're 9 years old and 7 years old now. I want the best for them and I want them to live good, healthy and long lives. I'm surprised I would give my life to save theirs lol yet I can't even empathize... messed up or what? lol