AsPDs and Psychopaths raising Children

A question to those who are diagnosed like myself or to those who highly suspect they're AsPD or Psychopaths.

Do you feel anything towards your Child(ren)? If so, what? If not how do you react to them and their emotions? Are you ever concerned you will 'screw' them up?

Background. I left my children's father years ago, as a result I'm raising my kids on my own well for the most part, my mother moved into my spare room shortly after I left my ex so she could be closer to her grand children and help out. My kids father is still very much involved in their lives.

Until more recently I had never given much thought into how my actions/reactions have been towards my kids.. I've never been abusive towards them emotionally, verbally, physically or sexually... I don't scream or yell at them, if anything I'm too lenient. Anyway, I can't empathize with my kids... they fall get hurt and cry... they come to me for comfort and all I want to do is tell them to suck it up and walk away from them.. their crying is irritating.

What really got me thinking was an incident a couple of days ago... my kids were watching a dinosaur documentary on TV and it showed a Raptor killing a baby dinosaur and my youngest was just crying her eyes out... she was clearly in some sort of emotional agony... I go over to her and tell her to stop, it's just a computer animated show and it's not real so stop crying, she of course continued to cry and sob like she was being killed... then I hear a louder sobbing and the raptor that killed the baby dino had now been killed by another dinosaur. I asked her why she was crying... I said the baby killer is dead you should be happy.. she was crying and said "The poor Raptor he didn't deserve to die" GRRR I was ready to pull my hair out!!

So I got to thinking am I going to create a sociopath if I don't nurture and comfort my children when they're in these stupid emotional states?? Am I doing them harm and not even seeing it? I love my kids, at least I think I do... I feel more annoyed towards them than I ever do happy but I hide it. I always hug them, kiss them, tell them how much I love them and how important they are... I encourage and support them in whatever it is they're doing, I do tons of activities with them even though I hate doing them but I act happy, I do my best to teach them right from wrong... but I fall short when it comes to empathy... I can't relate to my children.

Don't get me wrong, I would destroy anyone who dare mess with them and I do put their well being ahead of my own.. at least what I see as their well being. To other AsPD/Psychopathic parents... am I alone in these 'struggles'? Am I extra callous and cold towards my own offspring? I do wish I could feel more for them... I know I love them in my own way. I also know I would give my life to save theirs.

I try to be honest with my children. I tell them as a result of a problem I had when I was a baby my brain didn't develop the same as most peoples do. So I don't always feel things as strongly as others, so just because I don't act emotional doesn't mean I don't care. (That is an oversimplified explanation I know, but it seems to satisfy them for now) They accept me as I am, and I try not to criticize them for their emotional outbursts, and we get on well.
And if they need something more they need to tell me what is on their minds. So when they are upset I ask them specifically what they are feeling/thinking so I can try to respond appropriately. It usually works, and it seems to have given them advanced communication skills, so bonus there.

And I do make it a point to hug and kiss them often as I think children need that. I think I love my kids, I know I want them to grow up to be happy, and hopefully I won't mess them up too much.

Lol, my mother never hugged or kissed me or told me she loved me once. Not once! I cannot recall a single time in my life thus far that she did any of these things.

You guys are doing great!

However, tempest, you were a little insensitive toward your daughter. Do you know, by any chance, what a more empathic response might have looked like? If you do, or believe you can find out, maybe next time you can try and mimic that more empathic response.

I can't say for sure whether you're doing damage. This isn't really my area of study in psychology. But you seem to be making up for your inability to relate to your children empathetically in other ways which is good. However, I don't mean to scare you, but lack of empathy and correct responses from parents toward their children's emotional states can, I've read, lead to lasting problems. You may be going through the motions of hugging and kissing them and whatnot but if you're not connecting with them, they can sense this. Your timing may be off; you may respond but inappropriately, in degree or type. All of these things can hinder your children's development of things like their ability to self-regulate their emotions in adulthood. I don't really know the details or the mechanism behind it all, but it's something like if you can't calm them down when they're crying or distressed, they won't learn how to calm themselves down in adulthood, or something like that.

If you're really concerned about this, maybe look into some counselling for mothers and their children? I think you can actually be taught how to respond correctly to your kids' distress. I know they have something like this for mothers with postpartum depression because they aren't in a position really to meet their newborn baby's needs so therapists and counsellors train them, basically, to act like good sensitive mothers and it's proven to be effective.

Cien, that's a good explanation for kids. My youngest is so overly emotional she would burst out crying if I so much as I said about me didn't develop properly. I try hard to react the way i think I'm supposed to and show them affection when I think they need it, I do sometimes wonder if i sometimes give them affection when maybe I shouldn't... such as encouraging them to be too overly emotional... I'm not sure. It's definitely hard. I want my children to grow up happy and well adjusted.

My oldest is diagnosed with Aspergers, she HAS tons of empathy but doesn't communicate emotions well. I have a professional I hired to come in twice a week and work with her but I get left a sheet of things to work on inbetween those visits, mainly teaching her proper emotional responses and to be aware of others feelings etc... all things I can fake but things I don't genuinely do. So I ended up with her and as I said my youngest who is way, way, way too overly emotional. I used to exploit that when she was a toddler to get her to eat her veggies... she has always been that sensitive... I pretend to cry like I was devastated she wouldn't eat her veggies... she's then gobble them up lol in hindsight it probably wasn't the best thing to do and I refrain from exploiting her emotional state these days... as tempting as it is.

Part of my care comes from a 'They're MINE and therefore they're superior and HAVE to turn out well adjusted and happy' mindset and part I think is genuine care... I'm not sure but I think it is.

Crystal, I agree my response to my youngest was on the insensitive side... I realized this after the fact. Had I been around an adult that was acting upset by such an event I would have faked sympathy/compassion for their emotional state and agreed about how upsetting it was... but I view that as a weakness in them so I think it's hard for me to see my children react in such a way. I was also thinking that if I explained it to her logically she would understand and stop being so upset. I tend to always work on a more logical level with everything.

My children sensing my reactions are fake is a concern to me, it's more the empathy I fake with them. I don't like seeing them fall down and get hurt or feel bad in anyway... I just can't empathize with them which makes it impossible to genuinely console them. When I tell them I love them, I mean it... I do love them in my own way. If I didn't care for them I wouldn't give so much of myself to them and for them. When I tuck them in at night and give them a hug and kiss goodnight, I mean it... I'm being sincere with them. They both know I will do anything for them and give up anything for them. Aside from my lack of emotions they lead a very normal and stable life.

My challenge is definitely in nurturing healthy emotions and emotional responses in them.

I can't say to professionals "Hey, I'm a Psychopath teach me how to nurture my children's emotions", there's zero help out there for AsPD/Psychopaths when it comes to parenting, I need to try to figure this out on my own with some outside input. Google only brought up how Psychopaths ignore their families and children... which is not true in all cases well the children part anyway.

So far my children seem to be normal and on track for their age taking into account my eldest child's Aspergers... but even she is doing amazing, very good social skills now thanks to early intervention (took a lot of fighting on my part and I mean a lot! I knew when she was very, very young something was not right about her and had to fight for the assessment). I'm fairly certain my children feel loved, I think I just need to work on reacting less insensitively to what I see as unnecessary emotional responses.

Perhaps I'm over analyzing. It would be nice if there was someone in real life I could speak with about this... who wasn't biased and who wouldn't view me as a monster due to my diagnosis. Edited to add.. I understand the whole being seen as a monster thing... I enjoy hurting and destroying people... I'm trying not to though! I suppose what I meant is who would put that aside for a bit lol

I wouldn't consider myself a psychopath or ASPD according to myself, not my shrink, lol. But anyway I cannot and never have been able to feel anything for my family at all for some reason

Does your family know you feel nothing for them?

That's where my problem is... I don't feel anything... If my kids get hurt I don't feel bad, I feel nothing at all but I take that as a good sign... I at least don't enjoy seeing them get hurt like I do other people lol I dislike my children getting hurt. I'm attempting at raising children with no emotional connection or feelings but then why do I care if I screw them up.... very strange.

Tempest80 wrote:Does your family know you feel nothing for them?

That's where my problem is... I don't feel anything... If my kids get hurt I don't feel bad, I feel nothing at all but I take that as a good sign... I at least don't enjoy seeing them get hurt like I do other people lol I dislike my children getting hurt. I'm attempting at raising children with no emotional connection or feelings but then why do I care if I screw them up.... very strange.

I've never told them but I'm sure that they have got the idea, considering that they are well aware that I use manipulation tactics 24/7 to get what I want from them when I run out of money, and when I always put what I want and need before theirs. I wouldn't consider it my fault at all though because if they could take as they please just like I can without any feelings of guilt or remorse I'm sure that they would. For some reason I also experience a great deal of laughter and fun hurting my family in verbal and mental ways and I don't know why. I consider being different a gift, do you?

I've never thought of being different as a gift, I used to always think/feel I was far more superior than other people... I still do and I have to make a conscious effort to keep my ego in line with reality. I think certain aspects of me being different certainly give me an advantage over others but than I find myself having difficulties parenting because I'm different which is a bit of a disadvantage... but I suppose everyone faces challenges parenting whether you're AsPD, a Psychopath or a normal person.

If I could choose to either stay this way or be normal I would choose to stay the way I am. I don't think of myself as being 'disordered'... I just have different challenges then normal people and probably less challenges since very, very few things bother me... from where I'm standing having all those emotions looks like more of a burden than anything else but regardless.. my children have emotions and I need to do my best to ensure I don't stomp on them. If I mess them up and they resent me, who will look after me when I'm old?? LOL

Tempest80 wrote:Cien, that's a good explanation for kids. My youngest is so overly emotional she would burst out crying if I so much as I said about me didn't develop properly. I try hard to react the way i think I'm supposed to and show them affection when I think they need it, I do sometimes wonder if i sometimes give them affection when maybe I shouldn't... such as encouraging them to be too overly emotional... I'm not sure. It's definitely hard. I want my children to grow up happy and well adjusted.

Part of my care comes from a 'They're MINE and therefore they're superior and HAVE to turn out well adjusted and happy' mindset and part I think is genuine care... I'm not sure but I think it is.

Well I will ask my kids, especially the oldest when I think the reacion is too emotional. I say something like "I knwo you are sad right now, but can you tell me specifically what crying will accomplish? If will get you nowhere, there is no point in doing it so figure out a better way to work it out". I try to emphasize they can feel whatever they want but acting out is not productive. Not sure if that is the right answer but it seems to work so far.

And I get the my kids have to turn out better than everyone else's mentality. I am all about that