Soon to be Ex won't leave me alone-

My soon to be ex husband seems to display many of the behaviors describe as antisocial. I left him in June 2004 but have not been able to get away from him.

He started lying to me before we were married in 2000. I didn't realize the debts, back child support or very spotty job history until after we were married. I just took everything he said as truth- as I had never dealt with anything like this before.

The marriage was horrible. He lies, steals, tries to blame his thefts on other people. I never knew if he was working, where he was working. He took out payday loans to fake pay checks. Would never pay any of his bills and would rack up more debt.

He never seems to care about others feelings but always tries to relate everything back to himself. He seems very self centered that way. If I was upset or angry and sad about something - he would just relate it to something that he felt and basically dismiss my feelings. This occurred especially when he was the cause of my bad feelings.

I finally got the courage up to leave him. He claims that I've left him to 'ruin his life'. We've been spending time together since the separation because it's the only way to keep him happy. Otherwise he threatens to ruin my life. He says he will call my employer and make up stories, or call the police and make up stories. He even has threatened to call the police or Social Service on my family members just to cause problems. I am afraid that if I don't continue some relationship with him he really will start making phone calls. I don't know if he's capable of hurting me. He never has but my instincts tell me that if I push him he could.

His latest lie is that he has testicular cancer. And although I haven't been able to prove otherwise- all indications lead me to believe he's lying about it. He can't seem to give me the medication names he's taking even though the bottle is in front of him. I haven't been to chemo with him- but he claims he's going twice a week. I've asked him to ask for his medical records out of concern.

I don't know what to do. I don't really know if he's Antisocial but from what I've read he seems to fit the description. He almost seems obsessed with me.

Does anyone have any experience or ideas? I just want to live a life without him.

Your ex sounds like mine. He told me that he has testscular cancer also.

this is an old message. If anyone is still on this site, please leave a message. I would like to know more and talk more about this

I'm still watching this post to see if anyone can relate to my story.

I am currently separated from and will shortly seek divorce from my APD husband. After watching an episode of "Oprah" last week, about murderer Scott Peterson, and hearing the characteristics of a sociopath , I felt like that was defining my husband (although not to the evil degree of a murderer). When I met him, my husband was very charming, very helpful to me around the house, a real partner. I couldn't believe I had met a guy who was so wonderful and thoughtful to me. He seemed so calm in his emotions. (Now I see that as being uncaring and unable to "feel".)

He had a negative past financial history but blamed youthful indiscretion and included his ex-wife as partly to blame for his debt. He claimed that he really wanted to make changes and become better. (Now I know that he just does not care about accumulating debt and has no intention of making good on anything. We have gotten numerous phone calls from collection agencies about him.)

He also had some rather bizarre characteristics that I "explained away" as not being taught proper manners or as being raised in a way that he just didn't know any better. He was insensitive to other people's rules and to basic social etiquette. (Classic characteristic of APD, from what I've read.)

He had had an affair (or more) while married to his first wife, but as always had an explanation...she was frigid and had closed him out so he was seeking love outside the marriage. Just last year, he started pulling away from our marriage, being very cold-hearted and distant and then I discovered he was having an affair. Something he lied about and denied, of course. We were married less than three years. We are currently separated, so still married but I consider the actual marriage less than three years. He was more cold-hearted than ever about leaving me...I just DID NOT understand how he could have no feelings. It was baffling to me, but my recent research has shed a lot of light and I feel better now. I thought I was crazy!!!

I'm sorry...I could go on and on. I just want to be rid of this man. I wish I had never met him. He is the worst thing that ever happened to me and he was so good at his deception, it was unbelievable.

What's extra weird to me though is the comments about testicular cancer. My husband actually HAD testicular cancer, had surgery to remove the affected testicle, radiation, the works. How bizarre that the other guys are claiming that they had/have it! Is there a connection between testicular cancer and APD?

hi
i just got out of a relationship withan someone with APD. i am having trouble moving on and was wondering if since you have been throuh it before you can give me advise. here is the e-mail i sent his new therapist:

Dear Julie,
I hope all is well. Words can not describe the pain and anger Jeremy has caused in my relationship, his pat relationship and his familial relationships. He is a very loving, caring person, but he is not honest, one of the main qualities you look for in a person you want to spend your life with. According to him, he can not help his lying, he is fearful and ashamed. He has been doing this for the majority of his life and has gotten extremely good at it. I almost think he now does it just to see what he can get away with. In my eyes, I think Jeremy needs extensive therapy for a long period of time to correct this problem that he has had for years. I do not know how you will be able to do it because he may tell you all lies too. With that said I will tell you how we got to this point.
Jeremy was my boyfriend of nearly two years. We had a good relationship with few fights. When it began he charmed me off my feet and as I began to get to know him I started to feel his dark side. Being the optimistic loving girlfriend that I was I put his lies past me. He was first lying about his marijuana addiction. He would sneak into the bath room or go to his car and smoke weed. When I would confront him about it he would deny it. I should have taken that as a sign to get out of the relationship but I was enamored by him so I though it would just go away. Jeremy then became very negative and antisocial toward my sister and some of my friends. He constantly put them down and acted as if he was better than them. He started secluding himself from his friends too (part of that may have been that he did not want them to leak about his visits with his ex girlfriend). My suspicions arose about his ex when we first started dating. My ex and her were still calling and e-mailing us so we made a pact to let them know we were in a relationship and that they should stop calling and e-mailing us. I followed my end of the deal but two days a go I found out that he did not respect my end of the deal. He was still seeing his ex on various occasions and lying to me and to her about his relationship with the both of us. He never told her he had a girlfriend, she found out from one of his friends. Jeremy told me that he and his ex broke up because she wanted to get married. When I finally broke down and called her she stated she was with him for six years and they broke up because of his compulsive lying. He lied to her and to me about everything, his drug habits, his diet, his friends getting stabbed and shot in the head. He even made up a story about him being diagnosed with cancer!
Jeremy's issues baffle me. What baffles me more is that I care to stay friends with him after all he has done to hurt me. I am in therapy now, working on my healing and my shattered dreams. I thought he was the one for me and I thought we would be together forever but after everything it will be very difficult to ever trust him and love him in the was that I used to. I just hope that knowing how much he has hurt me and his family will keep him in extensive therapy for a number of years. I hope that he is honest and optimistic with you. With that said, I look forward speaking with you about his plan and diagnosis after he sign the release waiver. If there is anything I can do to help I will be of full assistance. Thank you for your time. (858) 945-6474
Oh, I forgot, in this case I do not want to be the enabler so I would like to find out from you what approach I should take to this situation.
Sincerely,
Nina Schultz

hi
i just got out of a relationship with someone with APD. i am having trouble moving on and was wondering if since you have been through it before you can give me advise. here is the e-mail i sent his new therapist:

Dear Julie,
I hope all is well. Words can not describe the pain and anger Jeremy has caused in my relationship, his pat relationship and his familial relationships. He is a very loving, caring person, but he is not honest, one of the main qualities you look for in a person you want to spend your life with. According to him, he can not help his lying, he is fearful and ashamed. He has been doing this for the majority of his life and has gotten extremely good at it. I almost think he now does it just to see what he can get away with. In my eyes, I think Jeremy needs extensive therapy for a long period of time to correct this problem that he has had for years. I do not know how you will be able to do it because he may tell you all lies too. With that said I will tell you how we got to this point.
Jeremy was my boyfriend of nearly two years. We had a good relationship with few fights. When it began he charmed me off my feet and as I began to get to know him I started to feel his dark side. Being the optimistic loving girlfriend that I was I put his lies past me. He was first lying about his marijuana addiction. He would sneak into the bath room or go to his car and smoke weed. When I would confront him about it he would deny it. I should have taken that as a sign to get out of the relationship but I was enamored by him so I though it would just go away. Jeremy then became very negative and antisocial toward my sister and some of my friends. He constantly put them down and acted as if he was better than them. He started secluding himself from his friends too (part of that may have been that he did not want them to leak about his visits with his ex girlfriend). My suspicions arose about his ex when we first started dating. My ex and her were still calling and e-mailing us so we made a pact to let them know we were in a relationship and that they should stop calling and e-mailing us. I followed my end of the deal but two days a go I found out that he did not respect my end of the deal. He was still seeing his ex on various occasions and lying to me and to her about his relationship with the both of us. He never told her he had a girlfriend, she found out from one of his friends. Jeremy told me that he and his ex broke up because she wanted to get married. When I finally broke down and called her she stated she was with him for six years and they broke up because of his compulsive lying. He lied to her and to me about everything, his drug habits, his diet, his friends getting stabbed and shot in the head. He even made up a story about him being diagnosed with cancer!
Jeremy's issues baffle me. What baffles me more is that I care to stay friends with him after all he has done to hurt me. I am in therapy now, working on my healing and my shattered dreams. I thought he was the one for me and I thought we would be together forever but after everything it will be very difficult to ever trust him and love him in the was that I used to. I just hope that knowing how much he has hurt me and his family will keep him in extensive therapy for a number of years. I hope that he is honest and optimistic with you. With that said, I look forward speaking with you about his plan and diagnosis after he sign the release waiver. If there is anything I can do to help I will be of full assistance. Thank you for your time. (858) 945-6474
Oh, I forgot, in this case I do not want to be the enabler so I would like to find out from you what approach I should take to this situation.
Sincerely,
Nina Schultz

It's been a while since my first post to start this topic. In that time alot has happened both good and bad in my situation dealing with my APD ex-husband.

Our divorce finalized in January- he had no problem signing the paperwork. I was truly amazed. We continued to talk off and on but I wanted him out of my life completely and so I started pulling away.

His actions in mid-February really started to scare me. He just did not want to let me go and started practically camping outside my house. I would come home from work and there he was. I would be getting in my car on the weekend and he would drive by. He would call me after having driven by and seeing I wasn't home to ask me where I was and who I was with. He would leave nasty notes on my door in the afternoon and in the evening I would come home to find roses with an apology. I realized that if I didn't do something he was going to be stalking me and controling my feelings forever.

Finally, just a few weeks ago I had to change my number. He called me 36 times in one afternoon and was leaving horrible voicemail and sending vulgar text messages. After he couldn't call me on my wireless he started showing up at my door, knocking and refusing to leave because he was sure I was home.

Two days after changing my number I went down to the courthouse and applied for an Order for Protection. Even after he was served he continued to call me at work and leave messages with my friends. All he wanted, he said, was that I call him- could he talk to me. I called the police and started filing reports everytime he contacted me.

On Monday of this week I showed up in court to get the permanant Order for Protection- the judge had no problem granting it. He has emailed me a couple of times but I haven't seen him near my house, although I'm sure he still drives by. I just decided to get tough with him and use the resources that were available to me. Through all of this I have felt ashamed, guilty, stupid, which are the feelings that kept me for so long from doing something about him. I felt like I brought it on myself and that I was somehow responsible because I wanted out of our marriage. But I know better now.

I just realized that being APD he has no clue where the line is. And maybe if he has to deal with serious consequences for his actions it will help. It was really hard for me emotionally to pursue the Protection Order because the closer I got the worse his actions were and the more he threatened me. But after he was contacted by the Sheriff's Department for breaking the Order he has stopped contacting me. And I feel better than I have since before I met him and I feel like this nightmare may be close to being over.

I hope my story helps at least one person out there. It's hard not to be afraid but you have to find a way to gather your strength and fight back. I lost 5 years of my life and I'm thankful everyday that it wasn't more.

Nina, I think you accidentally left your phone number in your message, you may want to edit your message and remove it.

Hi
I have been watching several topics on this site for a few months. Im starting to think that something similar to APD is what my b/f has. He has also been a compulsive liar, and the stories above have been very similar to mine in the 3 years ive known him. Im not a psychiastrist, but my b/f doesnt seem to know where the line is either. He is very extreme, has lied about dying, lost friends and family, accused me of violence, (untrue), lied to the police to make me look a liar, couldnt let go of his ex for the first 2 years of our relationship, ran up huge debt which will affect his life for years. On the other hand, i know he loves me very much - he blames his intense feelings on me for the things he does, i.e. he loves me so much, any small thing is a big rejection and he overreacts. He is kind, loving and generous, as long as you make him feel that he is loved, secure and is the most important thing in the world. He is shortly to start therapy, but i feel is only doing it because i have pushed him to do it. He has sorted out and resolved alot of things in his life recently, and it does seem to be getting back on track somewhat, but he even lied to me that he had started therapy, ofcourse, we got back together, to discover its more lies. No less than i expected, but this time im going with him. If it was left to him i know he wouldnt go. I didnt really know him before we had our relationship. His ex tells me he is a kind man and all this only started when he met me. (although she does hate me, so dont know if she would tell me the truth anyway) He was a drug addict many years ago, but conquered his addiction for many years, then when things started to go wrong 3 years ago, started smoking it again, and his ex didnt know about it, (neither did i, he was very clever at covering it up) she just saw a change in him, as they were splitting. He has always been very secretive, and most people thought he was a good guy up until all his lies came out. Many people were hurt. I am scared as i want to make a life with this man, and recently, his behaviour has shown me its possible, with some understanding on my side. But, i dont know if these things hes done are just part of an awful few years or, if he has something like APD, if, i can expect, in the future, more of the same. Im hoping the therapist can help, but to be honest, he is so good at making himself now look ok, and sorted, im not sure that they will look underneath this enough to look to see if there is a bigger long term picture. He had a very difficult childhood, and from what i can gather, had cheated on his ex in the past, although once again, i think blamed her for making him feel rejected. From what i can gather, hes never been an angel, but it did seem, that for 7 years prior to the last 3, did try to be a straight forward, hard working guy to provide for his family. He lied, but mainly about small financial things. His early life was certainly disfunctional. Life with him is at times wonderful, as we view alot of things the same way - but we spend a lot of time talking about feelings - or i seem to spend time justifying things like spending time with friends (he hasnt any really since the lies which hurt him as some of them were life-long). I am a single mum of 2 recently divorced. Its been tough financially. He wants to move in and we row because, i feel his debts threaten my childrens security - although he sees what im saying, at the same time he doesnt, he is constantly trying to find a way round it, and says im negative and putting reasons in the way for us not to be together. He also works from home, and he moved out a year ago, after we had a terrible time, i find now after living single with my kids for quite some time, i do like some space, and as im not working right now, we will be together night and day unless i go out, as he never does, but, he is happy to be 24/7 with me and ive been honest with him and said im worried it will put a strain on us, again he thinks i dont feel enough for him, whereas, for me i feel its better to be open and honest about things that may cause us problems. He is so impulsive, cant wait for anything, and when he wants something just plunges in. He gets frustrated because im far more sensible - i have to be, i have kids.
But these things hurt him as he feels rejected, and then he will go the other way, and not see me for a week - its like being punished by your parents. Is this APD or similar, does any of this sound familiar?? Thanks