Hmm, let's see if I fit the bill

I came across the link to this forum on Wikipedia's article on APD, of all places, and I'm curious. My willingness to post here - even though it's the middle of the night and I need to get up early tomorrow, besides the general uselessness - indicates hidden uncertainty. Let's see the extent of it now, directly proportionate to the length of the text...

Remorse: none, or just about. There are some people I care for but few, and they are my close friends. I'd also include my relatives, mainly because I feel sorry for the awful lives they've chosen for themselves and grateful for the sacrifices they've made for my sake, sending me to college and helping me later on, even though I don't think it was smart of them to go to those lengths, nor do I respect most of them as people. They are fairly limited, unimaginative and mundane, although every person is, of course, unique in being a peculiar creature at an exclusive spot in space-time.

But that sort of uniqueness has nothing to do with people as such, since pebbles on the beach and snowflakes are unique also. And that's how I treat people: as valuably weird walking objects, artworks. I wouldn't want to tear up a Van Gough, not unless the moment called for it, and so I don't go around murdering, for example. On the other hand, so many artworks do get boring, and I probably would end up killing someone, because that sounds like a special thrill and an important experiment - among other things, a test of my own courage. That courage is lacking, and I suspect that I would not follow through with any such plan, although I also suspect that if I were to think out every detail and go for a low-profile target - a homeless person, for instance - I probably could get away with it.

Herein lies the problem, though: I think I would be ashamed of killing a bum. It's too easy, like drowing a cat in a sack. It is not fair to the victim, it is cruel. A hunter doesn't go out and pulverize rabbits with a Winchester, he takes on a tiger! That is not cruel, so long as the hunter is man enough and understands the nature of the venture well enough to leave the tiger a good chance rather than bring along a machine gun for total safety. And the only way to make murder a viable option for all concerned (forgive the pun) is to have some sort of ideal Survivor situation: a number of people scattered across a jungle island, each with gun. I think I would like that. Not that I would make it to the end of the hunt, but if such hunts were available, I would be stimulated to train, hone my skills and in time partake.

Ultimately, of course, this is self-defeating and yields nothing beyond a moment's joy, but murder is the only kind of adventure left in the world where a) the better and stronger would survive, b) they would struggle for their own sakes and not because some government told them to go to a far away land and die in the sand, all for the sake of laughable, logically inconsistent slogans. I think I would have liked to be a pirate, not even a particularly vicious sort, but ruthless.

What else? Lying. I do prefer honesty, although, as everyone knows, it is much easier to lie in "life" than remain straight and direct - aye, matey. I'm imperfect in sometimes succumbing to the temptation to have it easy, which ultimately shows weakness and doesn't contribute to general excellence and growth. At other times, however, and this is more interesting, I lie because I want to, even when there is no special need. I don't believe there is a holy entity called the Truth against which one can sin, or if there is, it cannot be troubled by my misdirecting someone. When I make these deliberate lies, I feel good, because then I know I'm quite in control of my actions rather than being pushed and pulled by accidents. When I make a point of lying, I defy the actual state of affairs at that moment and refuse to simply repeat things "as they are." I'm a fine, imaginative liar, too.

I feel anger quite often, especially when running across one of the officious striplings, self-righteous policemen and impenetrable ushers that just teem in New York City. The level of stupidity - and, if you go to the Village, pretension - is staggering. I'm all too aware of my own mental limitations: I'm not too good with numbers, for instance. Yet in most cases I'm either ten steps ahead of the conversant or ten steps aside, going in a direction no one else even noticed. People like my charm and commend my for ideas, although they are also surprised and scared by my disregard of conventions and the sudden dashes of my thought when it discovers a new venue and, the perspective on the issue suddenly reversed because of information others have yet to consider, does an about-face. They think it strange and abnormal, which is only to be expected. I also tend to be arrogant when dealing with the annoying types I mentioned earlier, and them I would gladly kill on the spot as a service to humanity. Consider: what would be lost if rule-following types were wiped out of existence?

An end to a certain social order, to be sure. There are excellent reasons to think that order arbitrary and tyrannical, and arguments about the neccessity to "function" are all circular. This point isn't likely to be understood, much less accepted, and I don't mean to sound insulting. It's just that this forum, on which I'm posting out of boredom and loneliness, is dedicated to treating anti-social behavior as sick, ill and abnormal, and to doubt that here at any length would be like waving a "THERE IS NO GOD" sign in Vatican. It would amount simply to trolling.

Where were we in this exposition? Back to remorse and caring, finishing up: I realize exactly what it is I do. There were people I've cheated, although I usually stop short of anything truly disruptive because of the "artwork" factor. Lage-scale destruction would impoverish the world as a whole, and hence my life, which donkey-eared types make somewhat amusing. I break rules without hesitation, but I often choose to follow them, if they make sense in each particular case. I've stolen from shops when I could get away with it in order to save money, and at first I felt some guilt at the idea of coming back to the store and having to look the clerks in the face, but then I reconsidered the situation and concluded that this was all, unbeknownst to them, a game of catch as catch can, and that I was in no position to admonish anyone, or they myself. The guilt went away and I think I'm getting better at stealing now, though I dare not do it too often. So far as emotions go, they need to be of a very special sort, which only special people deserve or can evoke from me. With everyone else I'm friendly but neutral. I make no promises and don't expect others to keep any.

You think I'm APD? Mind you, I'm not going to any doctor. I've thought of this bfore, but now I know that everything is going more or less as it should, and that even the loneliness is to be expected. I've met a few people like myself, but they are few and far between, not even enough to form a commune out of. I feel at ease with them or on my own. Still, I'd like to see the reaction here. T.

You sound like my friend Dion. Dion's full of crap, even if he is a bit "funny" (in every sense of the word). There's a logic problem for you.

Just a bit of a warning. Sometimes people will think they having a certain disorder, and self diagnosis themselves because they truely believe that they are suffering from them.

I know one person even though it was APD self diagnosed herself and when she went to get her diagnosis it turned out to be compeltely different.
Also if you believe that you are suffering from it even though you may not be at all you can devleop symptoms of that disorder.

I don't know enough about personality disorders to really comment on it.

Maybe some one else can help you more with this that has suffered from APD.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Good luck.

hi temnix

you dont sound like a psychopath, but sure you do sound like a bit of a tool.

cheers aye matey!

Psychopath? Doubtful. Guilt is a natural reaction, embrace it. Your views are not especially unique. You are simply another space on this plane. Look into an alter-filler for that thrill seeking need of yours and life will become more gratuitous.

Consider: what would be lost if rule-following types were wiped out of existence?

A bit like anarchy perhaps? or, least, mass hysteria. You would not survive.
If guns are your interest, join an allegience, they are looking for a few good men like you. Maybe you are the prodigy of such, expatriation?

Without the "rule follower" types, there would be no need for rules. This said, also no need for the 'opaths', who (honing their skills mind you) invent and impoverish the "rule follower". Fundamentally it is a working situation for the masses. Why not instead choose individualism? You have fondness for it, least in the 'art' form

Temnix wrote:Herein lies the problem, though: I think I would be ashamed of killing a bum. It's too easy, like drowing a cat in a sack. It is not fair to the victim, it is cruel.

I wouldn't be so quick to say that. Where you're from, I think you should already know that many homeless are tougher than they look.

Although I probably shouldn't convince you of that, should I?

What do you consider a bum? Well I do agree it would be cruel and senseless to kill a human who is meerly being true to thyself. I might even say they deserve a lot of respect. But only the ones who do not beg. Beggers are pathetic. I know of a man who has plenty of wealth but fits no place in society. He does not believe in monetary worth. It appears that he owns only the shirt on his back, a blanket and a cycle. Truth be told he has removed himself from living a lie, for the welfare of others and himself. He does not accept handouts. For this I have respect. It would be difficult to kill such a man.

I think your problem is New York. After living three months in Manhattan I began to feel that if I got up on the roof with a rifle and started shooting people, I probably wouldn't hit one bastard who didn't have it coming. And I was probably right.

But moving out West changed my whole perspective on humanity. I think if you gave someone an MMPI test and then moved them to New York and tested them again in a year, you would get a very different response to most of the questions about how they feel about society.

Join the club Temnix!