Are my thoughts really not normal or are they?

Hi. I just found this site and look forward to reading everyone's posts.

I go through phases where I want to kill people. Usually when I am feeling adventurous or in a good mood. Some time ago, a team of doctors thought I had antisocial personality disorder. I do not know if this is true.

Overall, my life is pretty good...good job, nice house, nice cars, etc. So why do I want to do something that could send me to prison?

I think they diagnosed me with it because I don't dwell in the past and feel guilty about things. I'm not some crazy person though. The killing thing is really the only thing that seems a little out of wack.

Honestly....do other people think about it too? I have a feeling that they do, but do not want to admit it.,

I asked one doctor if I should just act on my feelings so that I do not dwell in them and waste my time, but he advised heavily against it.

Are there others here who were diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder? Did you agree with the diagnosis and what, if anything, can you do about it? I do not want to change my personality. I have a healthy self-image.

hi. i posted the message above, but it did not record my user name for some reason. just wanted to mention it to anyone who replies. thanks.

I have had all sorts of strange thoughts--some very violent. However, I do not act on them, neither am I afraid of them. I just let thoughts come and go.

What counts is what we do and don't do. When I have the same thoughts over and over for over a day or so, then I do something. For me, I do a lot of exercise and a lot of writing in a journel. Usually, when I have thoughts that will not go away in a day or so, I am too hungry, angry, lonely, and tired (HALT). Other times are when I need to make a decision or a change.

james

James --hi. thanks for your answer. How do you keep from acting on your thoughts...just excercise helps? In a perfect world where you would not get caught etc. would you act on them? The only thing keeping me from doing something is opportunity, which I realise sounds bad..but I am being honest.

So, what worries me is that I will see an opening, act on impulse, and then get caught or something because I did not cover all of the angles. Mostly, I think of killing the way I think about bungie jumping off a bridge --its fun, interesting and gives a thrill..but is it worth the risk? Usually things like bungie jumping and other extreme sports are bad ideas unless you're unbelievably prepared, and even then, it can be a silly risk.

Do you feel this way too?

No one has a right to kill a humane being.. and to wanting to act on it is wrong and very disturbing. You should definatly seek some help of a professional if you really believe you want to do this.


How would your family feel knowing this? Would you really want to risk that? If so then it's not important to you.

Please go seek help of a professional, to have these thoughts about people is not stable and needs to be looked at if you are really thinking about acting up on this crazy idea of hurting someone.

Hi Sadgirl and thanks for your note. I do have a psychiatrist that I see who is supposed to be one of the best. We mostly talk about handling stress, however, because I have a demanding high-powered job. I've mentioned the killing thing to him before, but it was a brief discussion. He asked me how many people I killed (I said zero) and if I plan on killing someone specific now (I don't have anyone in mind). Then we went back to discussing the work thing, which is actually a bigger deal to me because I think I should quit, but am lured by the good paycheck.

I did mention this to a member of my family once. His response was, don't do it, you will go to prison. If you do do it, don't get caught because you will not like jail. He is right. It may sound shallow, but the truth is, I do like my lifestyle of vacations, a nice home, etc. I also really enjoy to cook and have other hobbies I could not do if I was either in jail or had no money.

You and I are in complete agreement about risk. Clearly, the risks are endless and any attempt to do this (or other risky behavours like having unprotected sex, or the aforementioned bungie jumping) is foolish. I don't however, think it is crazy or as bad as other things people do, like smoking crack (who in their right mind would smoke something made with Draino?).

Thelma,

I think if this is something that is always on your mind, and you are excited over this, happy, getting off on it whatever the case may be, the fact that the thoughts are there then I think it would be wise to bring it up to your psychiatrist and keep him updated on this before it goes into a serious issue and something happens. Some people are just talk when it comes down to having homicidal thoughts but it doesn't excuse it because it is unhealthy. Definatly talk about this again with your doctor if this continues.

I'll start by mentioning this. I don't currently think I'm a sociopath, although I have at various points. I'm not sure if I have ASPD. There are a few threads which describe why I had these concerns.

The fact that I may have had similar fantasies to you, is not meant to imply that I support the acting out of these fantasies, nor that I'm not aware that they will disturb some of the readers in this forum.

I also don't know you, so won't judge you, but also have no intention of being an enabler, or turning the forum into a "boys club". It seems at least very rude to hijack the forum for that.

Thelema wrote:So, what worries me is that I will see an opening, act on impulse, and then get caught or something because I did not cover all of the angles. Mostly, I think of killing the way I think about bungie jumping off a bridge --its fun, interesting and gives a thrill..but is it worth the risk? Usually things like bungie jumping and other extreme sports are bad ideas unless you're unbelievably prepared, and even then, it can be a silly risk.

Fantasies are fantasies, as long as you can separate fantasy from reality. However, if you are really concerned that you might see an opening and act on it, you may want to look into ways to prevent that from happening. Also, if that is a real concern you have, point out to your therapist that you have that concern. I know he knows about the fantasies, but am not sure if he knows that they concern you.

Look into other outlets. Violent videogames can be a godsend that way. However, remember, fantasy, not reality. It sounds in part like you might want some stimulation, you might want to look into extreme sports. This might, however, confuse the fantasy/reality boundary, so, tread carefully.

Do you feel this way too?

To be honest, yes, sometimes. It's right up there with getting into a car, and driving across country for weeks, with whatever money I put in my pocket, and what I can fit in a bookbag.

Also, when I was younger I used to act on some of my violent fantasies. I didn't kill anyone, but I did hurt quite a few people and things. Ironicallly, I didn't always hate what received my less desireable attentions. I sometimes loved them. I eventually stopped, or tried to stop, when a cat I owned died. I wasn't responsible for it, it was an accident completely unrelated to me. However, it struck me that I'd miss the cat, and some other realisations made me try to keep all of that under wraps.

I actually think I'm different than you, it seems like you indicate you are born without a moral compass, I think mine might be skewed. Right is wrong, wrong is right. Sometimes.

Material posessions can interest me, but I can get bored with them quickly, and I have to keep a very strong prejudice against rich people in check most of the time.

I think, most people feel like killing someone when they are angry or frustrated. Sometimes it's directed, often at the source of the anger or frustration, and sometimes it's undirected, and at whatever happens to be in your vicinity. However, I think, that most people aren't really wired to kill. Empathy, sympathy, are all parts of what makes the human animal a social creature, and allows it to work as a tribal unit.

I don't know how many people think about killing the way you describe. I think it may be less common though.

(BTW: Is the handle a reference to what I think it is?)

fomori4hire,

Thank you for your reply. Yes, my handle is what you think it is.

I've read about people who kill others because they are angry/frustrated. That's not me. I'm a pretty upbeat person and am not really angry at any one.

To be honest, when I think about it, it makes me happy and excited...not sad or angry.

Morally, I do not think it is any "worse" than other silly things people do to amuse themselves. That being said, I'm not delusional and I'm fully aware of the law, etc.

Like you, I do not wish to upset anyone on this forum. I posted because I don't know anyone who can really relate to my point of view and therefore give me useful advice. I figured I'd give a mental health forum a shot, to get some outside opinion.

I do want to point out, as a disclaimer, that I do not have any specific plans to commit any crime, nor have I commited felonies in the past, etc. etc.

The title in the previous post, was tongue in cheek. Not mentioning that probably warped the tone of my previous post.

Thelema wrote:fomori4hire,

Thank you for your reply. Yes, my handle is what you think it is.

Ah, I'll avoid mentioning that I'm in "the other camp". Formerly, anyhow. Oh. Forget I said that.

I've read about people who kill others because they are angry/frustrated. That's not me. I'm a pretty upbeat person and am not really angry at any one.

I'm not assuming you are. I mentioned that to illustrate the difference between the fantasies you and I are talking about, and those that are significantly more common. I have both. I find it interesting that you don't have the more common fantasy however.

To be honest, when I think about it, it makes me happy and excited...not sad or angry.

It might make me sad to think about it, if the subject was someone I had feelings for. Other than that, it's generally either calming when I'm angry or exciting otherwise.

Morally, I do not think it is any "worse" than other silly things people do to amuse themselves. That being said, I'm not delusional and I'm fully aware of the law, etc.

From a logical perspective, I can percieve where the moral "wrong" is derived. If you want to coexists as a cooperative group of people, killing within that group of people, or other violations of the unit, such as theft --presuming the concept of ownership exists within the society-- is detrimental to it's cooperation. It is possible that that is where the ingrained "moral compass" comes from.

Emotionally, it has to be someone I care about for me to understand that it's "wrong". In that sense, it's the fact that I don't want them to go away.

I can empathize better, sometimes, but not always. Sometimes it's not much more than a vague "Well that sucks." I don't think that this should be undersold though. I'm feeling something after all, and it's not like I won't try to help people even when I don't have a huge flamboyant response.

Like you, I do not wish to upset anyone on this forum. I posted because I don't know anyone who can really relate to my point of view and therefore give me useful advice. I figured I'd give a mental health forum a shot, to get some outside opinion.

It's why I'm here as well. Actually, conversing with you has been valuable, did I return the favor? If not, I will try.

I do want to point out, as a disclaimer, that I do not have any specific plans to commit any crime, nor have I commited felonies in the past, etc. etc.

That's reassuring. I didn't mean to make it seem as though I was accusing you, however.