Friends And Other Mythical Creatures

Greebo wrote:It’s the wrong kind of question. We respect and admire people for their virtues and abilities but we love them for their flaws and idiosyncrasies.

I've seen this sentiment before and on the surface it seems to make sense, but I'm not sure we give it that much thought. I'm not the best expert on interpersonal relationships, but I think it's much more subtle than that; most of the reason we gel with other people is subconscious and not something we can rationalise.

justonemoreperson wrote:- What does friendship mean to you? How do you define someone as a genuine friend. What qualities do you value in them?

My definition of a friend is probably not the same as many. I'm told I'm a sh1t friend, as I don't make any real effort with anyone unless I want something.

You mentioned having a friend who you drink and smoke weed with. So, basically, you want a friend for their company. I'm not seeing how that's any different from what most people want. It's normal.

I don't 'maintain' friendships, so most of my friends are people who are happy having very long breaks between seeing each other.

Maintaining a friendship really just means making the effort to stay in touch. Some people do it often, some don't. Whether you do it regularly or not doesn't really matter. If you're contacting them just to see how they are and/or to invite them out somewhere, even if you haven't seen them in a year, then you're still maintaining the friendship, and they're maintaining it by accepting your invite to talk or hang out, and vice versa.

salles wrote:I honestly think they are hard to identify. So far there have been none that I have befriended, that I am aware of.

I think the person would have to share traits. Charisma and manipulation might be attractive at first, but over time, you'd not get anything you need from of a 'genuine' friend.

Most people seek out friends who make them feel better; it's a selfish need. So, once the initial interest or fun becomes normal, there would be little to keep people interested.

Friends I've lost have done so because I've not supplied them with what they need. I don't contact them when they're going through sh1t, take little interest in problems they have, get bored if they're sad or depressed, etc. and will use them for stuff. Who wants that?

justonemoreperson wrote:I don't contact them when they're going through sh1t, take little interest in problems they have, get bored if they're sad or depressed, etc.

And yet, I've seen you give complete strangers advice on this forum numerous times, people you don't even know.

So, you don't help out your friends by offering them advice, but you'll give it to strangers on the internet...?

Reaper wrote:

justonemoreperson wrote:I don't contact them when they're going through sh1t, take little interest in problems they have, get bored if they're sad or depressed, etc.

And yet, I've seen you give complete strangers advice on this forum numerous times, people you don't even know.

So, you don't help out your friends by offering them advice, but you'll give it to strangers on the internet...?

It's about longevity really. Answering a question on a forum is something that can be done immediately as a one-off problem to solve. Friends need support and continual attention and interest. I find that people's problems can be interesting at first, to find a solution. But, then become monotonous when they're still depressed about it weeks later.

I also forget that they're still going through stuff and then they feel ignored and used. The majority of what people talk about is pretty dull.

justonemoreperson wrote:I also forget that they're still going through stuff and then they feel ignored and used. The majority of what people talk about is pretty dull.

This I can definitely relate to.

I always expect people to get over stuff as quickly as I do and I don't really understand why they're still upset over something well after I've moved on. I get that they're more emotional than I am, but jesus, get over it already.

justonemoreperson wrote: I find that people's problems can be interesting at first, to find a solution. But, then become monotonous when they're still depressed about it weeks later.

I also forget that they're still going through stuff and then they feel ignored and used. The majority of what people talk about is pretty dull.

Anyone who would expect you in particular to be an interested and loyal friend, lacks insight It is no wonder you drop 'em.
I tend to not offload on friends about stuff if it is ongoing... nothing more tedious than listening to the same 'ole, same 'ole.
Good friends spare you their suffering.

salles wrote:
Anyone who would expect you in particular to be an interested and loyal friend, lacks insight It is no wonder you drop 'em.

I don't really drop them, as I never picked them up in the first place. I notice that I've not spoken to them in some time and sometimes I'm made aware that they've given up and moved on, sometimes upset.

There are people who used to be friends and, if they contacted me now, I'd probably have a beer with them if it was someone who's company I enjoyed, without thinking that they were ever annoyed or upset.

A couple of times people have reminded me about things I've done that have upset them and often I can't remember the incident.

Friends can really be a chore, the guy I talk to the most is becoming a real hassle. Guy buys a couple horses for his daughter, she moves away to college and now him and his wife are stuck taking care of the things. I told him get rid of the ######6 things but he doesn’t. He wants to brag about owning horses he can’t take care of or afford but won’t get rid of them. I can’t do it

ZeroZ wrote:Friends can really be a chore, the guy I talk to the most is becoming a real hassle. Guy buys a couple horses for his daughter, she moves away to college and now him and his wife are stuck taking care of the things. I told him get rid of the ######6 things but he doesn’t. He wants to brag about owning horses he can’t take care of or afford but won’t get rid of them. I can’t do it

People like that don't want solutions. They want a sounding board.