How has time changed you?

solemnlysworn wrote:I've become weak, in that I avoid myself and don't confront properly my deepest desires. In being able to assess risk and consequence better as I've matured, I've had my life lead to a sensible but stagnating process, whereby the relief done in an acceptable way is not enough and I feel unfulfilled with what is objectively sensible but subjectively death.

Lost my bottle. I only really come out now in surges. They get worse tbh because there's a kind of convergence effect towards turning up to 11 what the repressive aspects try to keep trodden down.

I don't particularly like it. I don't like that the conflict is becoming conscious and I don't like that I feel myself making me into something less. I can't live or give myself fully and it's exhausting. Tired of my own $#%^.

Without PFC development, I'd have remained in a freer state. I'm sure I've just maladapted and can fix it but at the moment it seems as though I continue to miscalculate. Somebody said recently in PM that I surely have the intelligence to channel it in an appropriate way but, again, given a taste I cant help but whack it up.

I think that maybe the issue is that people always assume that what they are right now is the product of what has happened and not just a step in the process of change.

This might be part of the process of becoming something more. Welcome the change and see what it brings next.

my layers permissible-I whisper consent, but receive forcefully; grit teeth, push through, take it slut-my whorish curiosity spreading itself open for many suitors; I straddle their dusty tombstones and they pollinate my impressionable virginal mind with their autobiographical declarations, suffering.

nutrients, words, collections of strings- whose opposing contradictions bridge tensions-which carry coded viral/ideas deep into the hellish recesses of my unconscious; liquefying my calcified partitions from within-rearrangement: funda(funda(fun-d[( . )]a-mental)mental)mental, dark seer light bringer re-naturalizes rotating-day-night: rebirthing myself a xenomorph from within my(shedded)self anew.

Strung tight between the nodes; each hum brings about a different frequency, each maxima a snapshot- like a stop motion flick show-each page a unique creature. Creatures that harmonize/demonize; igniting a chain reaction of more melodies that ripple out. A Russian doll; laying it's outer layers behind with each bounce, another shell is laid-a coiled snake shedding skin; and more skin and more skin, skin that solidifies into what appears to be a twin helix, while the snake of string slithers away receiving as vapor/light/humnnn.

easiersaidthandone wrote:I'm interested in how your personality and behavior changed from 20-25 when your pfc fully matured, and from 25-30.

But, feel free to detail how it changed earlier or later than that.

I have gone in a sort of a circle

At around 27-28 I started have some contact with my oldest daughter, who was like 2 or so then, and started getting attached to her. I came to a point of rethinking my life, trying to cut back on drugs and alcohol, get me a more stable job, in general change my lifestyle in a way that I could accomodate my daughter in my life. I actually half-assed this lifestyle change for a few years, like 3 years or maybe more

Then it kind of all imploded. I realized that I hated the person I was trying to become and feeling oppressed of my own "good lifestyle" choices. It came to a point that I started resenting my daugther, for being my reason for me to do all those changes, and coincided with an age that she was becoming difficult, so it felt like a whole lot of effort without anything in it for me. That followed a period of me going back to a version of myself that I thought I was over it years ago

Now (I am 34), I have realized that it is not worth to make changes for the sake of accomodating someonel else in my life. My kids should be able to naturally fit in my life, whatever this life is, and it should be enough for them that I am a good dad, treat them well and I keep in touch with them as regularly as possible. Becoming someone else, someone who I don't even like is a meaningless task

I didn’t realise we were so close in age. Well there ya go.

vcrpamphlet wrote:I didn’t realise we were so close in age. Well there ya go.

I am surprised too that we are. How old are you? I thought you were like 25 or less, though I assume this for most new posters here

34 in the next few months.

Just a thought:

There's a style of Japanese art, called Kintsugi, that involves taking something of value, purposely breaking it and then remaking it using gold to seal the cracks. The cracks are visible, but the overall effect is greater than the original. The cracks, in this form of art, are celebrated rather than seen as imperfections.

Without breaking the object, it cannot become more. In the theme of this thread, how we view ourselves depends on our perception of the cracks. If we see them as faults, then we will always be broken. If they're seen as a way to become more, then they're seen as a change to be better.

There exists an element of risk, as it requires us to allow ourselves to break and use the process of change to be more.

asians hive mind is an interesting thing


one day i gonna live there near the potions factory and have a dozen wifes
they will work for me and i'll manage the money and be our company's rep in the west
i'll buy a pool and put a family of piranhas to eat the bodies of my enemies
everyday first thing in the morning i'll snort a bag of viagra and fuk my 12 wifes
they'll cum like mad and then adore my western penis as a mythological entity

justonemoreperson wrote:Just a thought:

There's a style of Japanese art, called Kintsugi, that involves taking something of value, purposely breaking it and then remaking it using gold to seal the cracks. The cracks are visible, but the overall effect is greater than the original. The cracks, in this form of art, are celebrated rather than seen as imperfections.

Without breaking the object, it cannot become more. In the theme of this thread, how we view ourselves depends on our perception of the cracks. If we see them as faults, then we will always be broken. If they're seen as a way to become more, then they're seen as a change to be better.

There exists an element of risk, as it requires us to allow ourselves to break and use the process of change to be more.[/quote

Love this!

Kintsugi has more value when the vessels are not broken on purpose to appear beautiful but broken in transit.

Turning the damage that life bestows on us into beauty that holds our broken pieces together.