Friendships

Simple topic:

What is your approach to (or guideline for) building and maintaining friendships?

How does it differ between the real world and online?


I'm f*cking terrible at maintaining contact with people regardless of how much I value them, especially online, unless I've been sober for ages and by that stage I'm never online anyway. Someone put it to me once that it's an addiction-shame thing; but being the group of misfits that we are, figure there has to be some other members here with similar connection issues. Interested in hearing different points of view, because buggered if I know what my problem is.

I could answer this thread, but being diagnosed with SPD I feel I must recuse myself.

vcrpamphlet wrote:
I'm f*cking terrible at maintaining contact with people regardless of how much I value them, especially online, unless I've been sober for ages and by that stage I'm never online anyway.

Is this some kind of pusillanimous, all too convenient PSA?

It's an issue that extends well past our relationship I'm afraid. I haven't contacted anyone not drug or work associated for nearly a month, and it was only scattered before that, except for a couple family members.

There's maybe a clue in the fact I'm kind of enjoying the energy of you're being pissed off at me. That shame thing - it was Dulcet who said that - is probably fairly close to the mark. Unfamiliar intimacy (or anything close to intimacy) just feels awkward and unnatural, doesn't feel comfortable. Definitely related to the unique effect that weed has (which can now be phrased as a bipolar interaction). Anyway, this is getting self-indulgent even for me. Thanks for being direct.

A bit haughty, though relatable, but fair enough.

vcrpamphlet wrote:Simple topic:

What is your approach to (or guideline for) building and maintaining friendships?

How does it differ between the real world and online?


I'm f*cking terrible at maintaining contact with people regardless of how much I value them, especially online, unless I've been sober for ages and by that stage I'm never online anyway. Someone put it to me once that it's an addiction-shame thing; but being the group of misfits that we are, figure there has to be some other members here with similar connection issues. Interested in hearing different points of view, because buggered if I know what my problem is.

I have found out that I am actually able to maintain long-term friendships. My current bunch of buddies, I have known one of them for well over 10 years and over 4-5 years some of the rest. With other people I lose contact very easy, but with this particular bunch, the friendship has been self-maintained

I think the main differentiation between my buddies and other friends is that there has never been any expectation towards me and I never had any expectation towards them. We do drugs together, do some works together occasionally, hang out, drink, go to chat up girls together, and that's that. No expectations, no need to call them on their birthdays or name days, no need for them to call me on mine, never been asked to help any of them paint their walls, or give them a lift, nothing. No expectations, just pure fun companionship

I don't make friendships online. Unless it's a girl from messanger that we, soon enough, meet in person, I have never been able to think of online people as people that I could have any sort of relationship or friendship with

xSid wrote:I think the main differentiation between my buddies and other friends is that there has never been any expectation towards me and I never had any expectation towards them. We do drugs together, do some works together occasionally, hang out, drink, go to chat up girls together, and that's that. No expectations, no need to call them on their birthdays or name days, no need for them to call me on mine, never been asked to help any of them paint their walls, or give them a lift, nothing. No expectations, just pure fun companionship

Yeah that’s much the same for my long-term mates. They couldn’t give two rats if we didn’t speak for a year.

I like that focus on expectations. But I have to steal it for my own circumstance: I think they hampen my situation as I apply them to myself, which I then fail repeatedly, and the admixture of drugs and mood shifts then works to create an atmosphere of avoidance.

Would you say it’s the same with romantic relationships? As in, the more independent each party is, the better they’ll both be in the long run? I tend to think so, but it’s maybe not that straightforward.

vcrpamphlet wrote:Would you say it’s the same with romantic relationships? As in, the more independent each party is, the better they’ll both be in the long run? I tend to think so, but it’s maybe not that straightforward.

I believe so, in a theoretical way. It hasn't even worked that way for me, though. Maybe I just haven't met a girl that actually wants this. I think that romantic relationships have an inherent expectation that the other person will have a very high priority in your life, not the highest, but pretty close. I fail to see it the same way, so I fail to meet - and don't want to meet - those unspoken expectations

I do believe that if a girl actually tried it out, without a hidden "yes, but..." in her mind, that the relationship would have a pretty solid base for long-term

I mentioned on the forum once before this biker couple I once knew. He dealt weed through the disability home we both worked at, and spent most of his money on 3-5 day speed benders at the clubhouse. But the couple hadn’t had a single argument in over 10 years of marriage. He never talked about “ASPD”, but they were both clearly sociopathic to a degree (they’re in their 50s), and he was extremely clear about their relationship success: his money was his money, hers was hers, his friends were his friends and he saw them whenever he wanted, for however long he wanted, and she’d do her own thing perfectly content. They still saw each more than enough to maintain their intimacy.

I’m not sure how easily achieved that is, especially for someone on the ASPD spectrum, but it makes sense.

vcrpamphlet wrote:Would you say it’s the same with romantic relationships? As in, the more independent each party is, the better they’ll both be in the long run? I tend to think so, but it’s maybe not that straightforward.

A very cheesy quote comes to mind, something like "true love isn't looking at each other, it's both looking in the same direction". I think it's a given people with more emotional independence have a better chance of success in a long term relationship but if your long term priorities don't match this is useless

Well said.