Dealing with displays of affection

Siegfried wrote:
Why would you cringe and feel uncomfortable by such a display if you didn't at some level feel dissatisfied with yourself?

Cooties.

Especially considering the nature of this forum and the people (women) it attracts.

I should have been more specific:

People on the schizoid/schizotypal spectrum
p/w autism
some forms of OCD

It's not about self-loathing in these cases. It's about a need to remain remote, especially emotionally. Unsolicited displays of affection cause discomfort, confusion. It's an invasion. Non-sexual social rape. Over time these feelings can turn to disgust.

Plenty of nons are touchy about their personal space as well.

naps wrote:I should have been more specific:

People on the schizoid/schizotypal spectrum
p/w autism
some forms of OCD

It's not about self-loathing in these cases. It's about a need to remain remote, especially emotionally. Unsolicited displays of affection cause discomfort, confusion. It's an invasion. Non-sexual social rape. Over time these feelings can turn to disgust.

Plenty of nons are touchy about their personal space as well.

Sure, my response wasn't supposed to be that encompassing. And obviously it can be related to breaking some social code and whatnot. But when any display of affection initiated by the other person triggers it, I would assume it's rooted in contempt. That's why I was asking Raven, and not the world.

As I’m reading this thread all I can picture is warren from something about marry running around with his ear muffs on yelling. Have you seen my baseball

I don't hate myself, so no.

When I was little, I used to see displays of affection as an invasion and get defensive. Nowadays it doesn't trigger any response in me. Although it still makes me uncomfortable. Could be ASD, could be self-loathing, could be both.

-- Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:09 pm --

When I was little, I used to see displays of affection as an invasion and get defensive. Nowadays it doesn't trigger any response in me. Although it still makes me uncomfortable. Could be ASD, could be self-loathing, could be both.

KvotheTheRaven wrote:I don't hate myself, so no.

But you are paranoid, right?

ZombieZ wrote:As I’m reading this thread all I can picture is warren from something about marry running around with his ear muffs on yelling. Have you seen my baseball

Not sure what you see as included in affection but I am very tactile. Oxytocin has positive effects in me and I guess that is the normal effect of oxytocin . I have read some research on oxytocin deficiency in psychopaths and it seems to function differently there. They gave oxytocin through nasal spray if I don’t recall it wrongly. Cant remember the result but it didn’t make them all cuddly and fuzzy though Also read an article about oxytocin having a negative effect and may create discomfort in some people when they are touched. It has something to do with lack of physical closeness with primary caretakers during early childhood. It may also be purely biological .

Having that said, I don’t go off cuddling with everybody that comes my way though. Far from it. May also feel uncomfortable if someone who I’m not interested in shows affection.

Affection doesn't do nothing for me, however I have no problem with it. Where I live affection is kind of expected, so I just go with it, no big deal. I usually hug and kiss people I haven't seen in some time, will hug/kiss girls even if I saw them again 1h ago, will hug and pat on the back dudes if the situation calls for it, whatever, it is something completely neutral to me

KvotheTheRaven wrote:How do you react when someone shows you affection?

I generally cringe and feel very uncomfortable unless I have made an affectionate gesture first and its in response to that.

It depends on the kind of gesture and the person delivering it.

I alway had a particular loathing for the club/student lifestyle I was repeatedly dragged into during my stints at uni. Being groped or kissed by strange people. I actually had a girl try to forcibly give me a blowjob in the men’s bathroom on one occasion, although quite what she thought she was playing at is beyond me. That kind of contact just increases my alienation and aggression as do many other aspects of synthetic urban cultures. I did live that way for a couple of years mostly because I felt it was what you were expected to do while at uni. After I got my sh*t together when I still got dragged out to clubs, people got told curtly ‘no’ and if that didn’t suffice force was used.

Another example might be the Christian mission we have in the village with whom my friendship with our local vicar forces me to have contact. These cranks are christians of the touchy feely variety who insist on hugging. I try to avoid them where possible,forestall by proffering a handshake if I can and if not just grin and bear it.

Thinking back I used to find the slapping, groping and other ‘male bonding’ performed within the university swim team and cycling club, unpleasant as well. Similar behaviours as a cadet and similar environments I was more tolerant of .

All that being said, last evening a group of friends and I ended up watching Hacksaw Ridge for lack of anything better to do. During this my back and head were thoroughly but unsolicitedly petted which was a thoroughly pleasant experience in spite of the mawkish American drivel. While I occasionally sardonically compare it to the grooming behaviour of a troop of chimps (usually done to diffuse when outsiders are finding it unusual), intense tactile affection has always been a part of our internal culture. They have enough trust that I’m prepared to be whimsically interfered with. Personally I find it intensely soothing.

I usually feel weird about it when it’s not someone I’m dating because I don’t really like people, so I don’t enjoy being physically close to them, and I really dislike pretending I do like them. When people give hugs, it kind of just annoys me, unless it is an attractive guy. I’m all about hugging people I want to be closer to