Brothers and Sisters

Personal situation, reason and context for making this thread;

Because I was institutionalized during the time brothers and sisters are supposed to grow a bond and I had other shlt on my mind, me and my younger brother are like strangers to each other. We didn’t see each other at all for at least, say, 4 years starting in my early teens. After that very sporadically and never alone. He’s pretty normal and doesn’t really understand how mental illness works nor is he interested in learning about it.

Now I finally get to see him more and try to build a relationship but it’s like he’s been brainwashed by my parents. He doesn’t want to get to know me or at least acts like he already does and what he thinks he knows is simply put bad and inaccurate. What he blames my negative behavior on, mental illness or my own will, depends on whatever he feels like blaming it on at the moment.

He accused me of traumatizing him by “not letting him have a normal childhood”. All he probably went through was hearing some yelling from the attic if he wasn’t watching TV and seeing the police show up. My mother was bruised sometimes but I never physically abused him and he knew very well I wouldn’t have. I didn’t tarnish his reputation in any way, different schools. It pisses me off he’s like this. He doesn’t care about my side of the story, I’m a villain, period. I just want to have a relatively normal relationship with my brother and at least not have him as an enemy.

The actual questions;

If you read everything, do you have some advice on how to get through to him? Does this sound like there’s any chance on reconsiliation? Would it even be worth it?

Got any siblings? Are they also fuked up or did they turn out “normal”?

What has your relationship with them been like? What’s it like now?

How did they discover you have a mental illness/ASPD and what was their response?

Be friendly and polite, you will be fine.

cutecactus wrote:He doesn’t care about my side of the story, I’m a villain, period.

If you really want reconciliation then stop focusing on yourself for a moment and focus on the pain you've caused those who care about you. Have you ever apologized for that?

Just because you didn't do anything to your brother personally doesn't mean he wasn't hurt by your actions. Have you actually sat down with him and really listened to what he has to say? Have you told him that you want to reconcile?

If you read everything, do you have some advice on how to get through to him? Does this sound like there’s any chance on reconsiliation? Would it even be worth it?

It depends if you're willing to make it worth it. You can't just expect your family to believe you've changed. They're going to want to see some kind of proof of that.

Once trust has been lost it's hard to regain it.

Got any siblings? Are they also fuked up or did they turn out “normal”?

They have their own issues, but they seem to have turned out pretty normal for the most part.

What has your relationship with them been like? What’s it like now?

Apparently I was a bully to my siblings while growing up. I don't remember bullying them much, but they seem to remember it well.

My relationship with them is very distant. We don't talk much and we rarely, if ever, see each other. I only talk to my sister when I see her, which is only about once a year lately. My brother is living in another country, so I don't see him at all, but we do talk online or over the phone occasionally. We have pretty good conversations when we do talk.

How did they discover you have a mental illness/ASPD and what was their response?

My mother knows because she's spoken to a psychologist I was seeing in the past and my sister knows because she's doing her Masters in Psychology and we've talked about my mental health issues. I've never discussed it with my brother.

I don't think my mother understands all this personality disorder stuff much. She's the kind of person who's not interested in hearing anything negative and would rather just sweep it all under the rug. My sister understands it and told me she's not surprised that I have AsPD. I don't think my brother even knows I have it because it's not something we ever talk about. My sister is unlikely to have told him because she rarely talks to him and my mother isn't likely to bring the subject up. It's best he doesn't know anyway. He doesn't need to know.

My sister turned out surprisingly normal for not being the golden child.

If i had to peg her with a PD, i'd call it histrionic, but she isn't that bad. She most likely is a non.

Her response to me being BP was nothing much. She more so than anyone in my family can attest to my antisocial traits, as i killed her cat, choked her out multiple times, etc. She used to call me a psychopath when she was too young to know what it meant.

We talk when she texts me. Otherwise i don't reach out.

P.S. she is two years older than me.

@Reaper, yes I have apologized for anything I’ve done to my parents and brother, listened to all of their sob stories, etc. My parents at least tolerated the apology which is more than I can say for my brother but I think it’s because he doesn’t have the life experience to understand shlt just happens. He doesn’t seem to get I didn’t wake up one day and decided hey you know what, I’m gonna make everybody’s life more difficult because I can! Let’s go mental!

Also, I practically don’t need to have anything to do with them anymore since I started living on my own, don’t ask them for anything and owe them nothing. Anything related to the present is all in their heads. They’ll find any excuse to take their frustration about not understanding mental illness out on me even if it has nothing to do with them, like my fuked romantic relationships or how I practically go into hibernation when I’m depressed, not because they care but for the same reason my brother won’t listen to me, they just think it’s weird so it scares them and they hate it.

It feels like I’m having to apologize for being born, according to them.

Got any siblings? Are they also fuked up or did they turn out “normal”?

I have four sisters and one brother. One sister has OCD, recently found out that my brother has also been diagnosed with AsPD.

What has your relationship with them been like? What’s it like now?

My siblings are a lot older than me, so there has been less connection. I was closer with my eldest sister and the sister with OCD because they were around more frequently as a child. My brother was 13 when I was born and would baby sit me as a child but he left home as soon as he could and cut off as much contact as possible with his family. He hasn't really liked me or wanted a relationship with me. My sisters are not talking to me at the moment, they want to keep me as far away as possible right now.

How did they discover you have a mental illness/ASPD and what was their response?

Only my parents knew about my dx. My mother let it slip to my brother the other day and I received a #######5 email about how he has it as well and that I need to work through my $#%^ and quit being a brat.

If your siblings don't want anything to do with you and you have made amends to the best of your ability, just let it be. It is their choice and you can't force people to have a relationship with you.

Focus on other things.

My brother is fuked up too, he hasn’t had the legal problems I have but we hated each other growing up. I was 3 years older and we used to fight every time we were left alone which meant me throwing him around. I got it from my father so it seemed natural to pass it along to the next in line I didn’t know anything else.

Now, as far as reconciliation, it will take time you will have to prove you are different and that will take time. You will be judged and they will assume the worst from you because that is what they have seen from you. It’s just human nature, eventually you may break through but there is no guarantees but if you want the relationship to work you will have to put yourself out there and possibly be rejected.

The significance of family is kind of lost without the experiences and memories. The label just describes a genetic link at that point. Which sure, by itself could have some meaning if you're blue blooded, but it isn't enough to create the structure and feeling associated with it. An adopted child can be just as connected to a family as a regular one. The term isolated has many more important variables than genetics.

cutecactus wrote:I just want to have a relatively normal relationship with my brother and at least not have him as an enemy.

Why?

Now I finally get to see him more and try to build a relationship but it’s like he’s been brainwashed by my parents. He doesn’t want to get to know me or at least acts like he already does and what he thinks he knows is simply put bad and inaccurate. What he blames my negative behavior on, mental illness or my own will, depends on whatever he feels like blaming it on at the moment.

Some people, when they find out you're crazy, just write you off. If he doesn't have any interest in understanding, then, in my opinion, he's not worth the effort. If I sense purposeful ignorance I run the other way.

Read this again:

Siegfried wrote:The significance of family is kind of lost without the experiences and memories. The label just describes a genetic link at that point. Which sure, by itself could have some meaning if you're blue blooded, but it isn't enough to create the structure and feeling associated with it. An adopted child can be just as connected to a family as a regular one. The term isolated has many more important variables than genetics.

Depends on the person and the culture. For some, blood is blood is blood.