Self-sabotaging behavior/patterns

Topic in title and 2d paragraph, feel free to skip 1st paragraph

It has been pointed out to me on many different occasions that I have some self-destructive tendencies and behaviors. Not just for obvious things such as drugs, drunk driving, dangerous fights, etc. But also for less obvious things. For example, that impulsivity and acting before thinking might be a self-sabotaging pattern, like, I act too fast not because no thoughts of the situation come to my mind, but that a part of my mind actually sabotages the thinking process so that nothing can get in the way of my acting fast

My question is for everyone with a personality disorder or other mental issue: In what way are you self-sabotaging your self? What behavioral patterns do you sometimes follow that can be considered self-destructive? I consider included to this any behavior with potentially unwanted consequences, unnecessary risk or that directly get in the way of whatever is that you aim to do.

(If non of your behaviors have self-sabotaging elements, then obviously your answer is of no relevance for this topic)

(Also for some reason my browser has stopped underlining spelling mistakes in English since some months, which is why this post might be a spelling horror, you should still be able to read it no problem

xSid wrote:My question is for everyone with a personality disorder or other mental issue: In what way are you self-sabotaging your self?

I used to self-sabotage when I was working by being purposefully irresponsible because I hated the job and I didn't care if I got fired. I'd get drunk and high the night before and do it for so long that I would still be a bit drunk and high when I went to work. My boss even had to come around and get me out of bed once.

I was also having sex with a work colleague who I knew was married. His wife was pregnant and about to have their first kid, so I don't think he was getting much sex at home. We'd have sex during work and sometimes after work in the bosses house, which was near where we worked. We'd only do it when we knew he was going to be away for the night.

I was pretty impulsive and would do things at times without even thinking it through, but I don't consider that self-sabotage because it wasn't intentional.

What behavioral patterns do you sometimes follow that can be considered self-destructive?

I have (or used to have before Centerpay came about) a problem with money. I would spend it on things I wanted instead of paying my bills. I wasn't too bad in keeping up with the rent most of the time, but I did get 6 weeks behind at one stage.

I've also had problems with alcohol in the past. I've been evicted from a couple of places for getting drunk and making a general nuisance of myself. I can get more aggressive and violent when I'm drunk, but that only happens when socializing with others who I get into arguments with. I get pissed off easy.

I've been kicked out of a couple of public places (advised never to return) - a public bar and a medical clinic. I just think they over-reacted though. I didn't deserve that.

I also have this habit of being cocky with the police. I cannot stand anyone telling me what to do or not to do. I tell myself I shouldn't get cocky with the cops because it's not helping me, but I usually end up doing it anyway (not that I've had to deal with cops very often, fortunately).

Another thing that's self-destructive is that I don't take care of my health properly. I don't exercise as much as I should, or have any kind of regular eating habit, and I don't brush my teeth very often. I've already had a lot of dental work done on them and I'm still not taking care of them properly because I'm lazy. Problems with teeth can lead to other health issues.

I suppose getting angry easy is self-destructive too since it can (and at times in the past has) lead to violence, but I can't help that. I have low frustration tolerance.

My criminal activity is self-destructive as well because it could send me to prison one day if I'm not careful. I haven't done anything too serious in awhile though. Age and health issues are slowing me down.

There's probably other things I've forgotten to mention, but I can't think of anything else at the moment.

I do a lot of stupid $#%^.

A year ago most of it was conscious, currently I dissociate so frequently that when I come back into reality it's like a lucky packet of stupid $#%^ I cannot remember doing.

Last night I took my entire packet of Respiridone. Only reason I got to hospital was because a friend found me. Was not a conscious decision but it does make me wonder if I have disconnected a part of myself.

I have 8k in credit card debt, 2k in medical bills, and still spend my check on drugs and gambling, leaving me with not even enough money for food, so i steal my lunches.

I'm sure there are many more examples but that about sums it up.

Violent fantasies can be self sabotaging because of their all consuming nature.
Porn addiction can be self sabotaging for normal relationships.
Procrastination on bills.

etc.

When I turned 40 (5 years ago) I divided to jack everything in to go travelling. I gave up my job, the course I was doing and almost lost my home. This was just on a whim. Got myself into debt because I ran up a credit card and an overdraft. I eventually came back after about a month and had to start again.

CandleInTheWindow wrote:This was just on a whim.

That's another problem I have, doing things on a whim. I did that recently and blew $2000 in the process. What a fuking waste of money that was.

My thoughts get extremely corrupted by emotion so in the moment everything I'm doing seems perfectly logical and the limited amount of visible options are all that exist. It's like my personality is fragmented and only one fragment can truly be active at a time, almost in a DID type of way except I'm still the same person, just with extreme mood swings creating tunnel vision. This combined with being predisposed to impulsivity expresses itself in all kinds of self-destructive ways like addiction, ruining relationships, starting or quitting something based on an impulse, etc.

The worst since the past few years is not knowing how to express myself properly anymore. I choose a "persona" to stick with not to get too chaotic, both for myself because otherwise it's confusing, and for others because they wouldn't respond to me being myself very well, at least they haven't when I was a teenager and "broke character" more often/had less control over my impulses. It may be a relatively healthy solution, I don't have a frame of reference, but it's terrible. It ruins the potential for having anything meaningful in my life but I don't see how I could have a relatively socially acceptable, "healthy" life aka not being institutionalized or whatever if I didn't.

KvotheTheRaven wrote:I do a lot of stupid $#%^.

A year ago most of it was conscious, currently I dissociate so frequently that when I come back into reality it's like a lucky packet of stupid $#%^ I cannot remember doing.

Last night I took my entire packet of Respiridone. Only reason I got to hospital was because a friend found me. Was not a conscious decision but it does make me wonder if I have disconnected a part of myself.

DEAL with yourself and you shall find something, no snowballs to yourself just truth.

I try not to do anything detrimental to me

KvotheTheRaven wrote:Last night I took my entire packet of Respiridone. Only reason I got to hospital was because a friend found me

darn friends ruining suicide attempts. dont worry, youll get it right next time.