- Epiphany -

After being in and out of prison, demonized by my therapist, and doing a better job scaring women than luring them, i realized that this new character that prison brought out of me is not garnering me the goodies i covet. I think it's time to revert back to who i was in high school. I am often praised in clinical settings for how high functioning i am, but frankly, when compared to my younger years, all i see now is basically this guy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0jMPI_pUec

After prison, i just sort of just... let go. My appearance has changed. My mannerisms have changed. My behavior is starting to lose its tact, and i'm becoming far more impulsive than i ever was. And god knows visiting this forum doesn't do me any good, where everyone seems to hold asociality on a pedestal.

Contrary to most with AsPD, i did not have conduct disorder. My progression of antisocial behavior has always been on the incline, so my early years were far less volatile. These are the years i want to revert back to.

I was so damn cute as a kid and into early adulthood. Not to mention, i was popular, athletic, and in general, someone everyone wanted to be around. But that has changed, and i feel like an outcast more so now than ever. And being an outcast doesn't garner you the same goodies you would get if you fit in.

I want to go back to my outgoing, likable, good looking, polite and friendly, positive personality that i had always had. That person that got stolen away from me by spending too much time in prison, and yielding to my impulses. I need to establish some self control, and build my character back up to something respectable by the important walks of life, not by the scum. That's how you win.

Anyone else sick and tired of being overtly antisocial?

Appreciate it.

Trying to embrace who you were in the past doesnt work. Too many things happened to change it.

Knoxious wrote:Anyone else sick and tired of being overtly antisocial?

No, because that would assume I'm the one with the problem, but I'm not.

Other people's issues with me are their own problem.

Only in the moments I throw myself a pity party.

ScarletRaven wrote:Only in the moments I throw myself a pity party.

Lol. Yeah, I haven't done this in a while or very often (when I've gotten in trouble disproportionate to the reward) but that's basically the only time.

Knoxious wrote:
I want to go back to my outgoing, likable, good looking, polite and friendly, positive personality that i had always had. That person that got stolen away from me by spending too much time in prison, and yielding to my impulses. I need to establish some self control, and build my character back up to something respectable by the important walks of life, not by the scum. That's how you win.

You have my vote, and fight the fine fight i say.

I think once you become something else and tasted the power of it, it will always be there now, to draw you away, just like addictive behavior is in alcoholism. It never leaves. Something Mrs. D. pointed out.

Good luck.

In what way did prison change you as a person?

Also, do you enjoy black pitbulls with shortly cropped ears? I have a picture if you want.

if it feels like a choice, then by all means opt out

Hebi wrote:In what way did prison change you as a person?

Prison made me unveil my raw side, as it was better to be overtly antisocial for the sake of your safety than not. It got me reacquainted with using overt power, control and scare tactics in order to get what i want. On top of it all, being risky and impulsive was sort of rewarded in jail. I mean, you could calculate an attack on someone, but if you're not ready to engage on a moments notice you'll be seeing stars. It was actually pretty fun.

I wouldn't say it changed who i am as much as how i act.

crystal_richardson_ wrote:if it feels like a choice, then by all means opt out

It's tricky, because part of the allure in being this character is it closely follows the guidelines of what i think is my "true self". In other words, it comes most natural to me. The choice lies in whether or not i want to be such a person, to get the goodies i deserve. And when i ask myself that, it is very clear that becoming that well crafted character that i learned to be in childhood yields the most goodies.

So, it's always a choice, but it will take some work undoubtedly. Prison stripped my character to the bare bone.

Define goodies? And how are they more easily achieved by being a nice guy? There are certainly times when it’s more advantageous to be the good guy, but I mean that’s just part of knowing how to manipulate. If you are already skilled and can switch between the two situationally then that’s good enough to get your goodies. If you want to get back in touch with that nice guy inside of you for ‘self improvement’ purposes of being a nice person, then that’s cool too.