Is my (suspected) ASPD something to worry about?

It feels strange to talk about this but I don't want to land myself in jail so an anonymous question can't hurt. It comes with a quick background:

I figured I have ASPD, though I didn't know it by that name, by the time I was about 16 but because of the stigma attached to 'psychopath' and 'sociopath' I kept it to myself and carried on (relatively) unhindered in life. In the past, I'd pushed the transparency of my indifference and manipulation too far and landed myself in care a couple of times but by playing the broken home card it was just put down to attention seeking... no problem there.

Last weekend, though, I came home from Uni to see some family who had travelled overseas to visit and I had a violent urge that has got me thinking about the self-control I once thought I possessed:

Everyone else had gone out for food but I decided to stay home -- there's only so much time I can keep up looking happy to see everyone -- and so had the house to myself. My mother and her boyfriend came home drunk and arguing since she took his keys to stop him driving to his house. He's a bit of a nuisance: It's him who twists my mother's arm in to asking me to come to the family events and when I'm there he makes extra effort to make me put up a face. Nothing too bad but still a pain, I'm sure you'll agree.

Anyway... tempers flared and he ended up getting kicked out. A few minutes later he came pounding on the door, trying to kick it down and then came back with a make-shift battering ram (the metal framing of a bench). I got out of bed, now pissed off that he's been an inconvenience and now stopping me sleep so I instruct my mom to go upstairs where she'll be out the firing line. The thing is, the only thought on my mind is to go into the kitchen, grab a knife and make the problem go away. There was a premise for self-defence so job done. So I wielded and was ready but then heard my mom calling the police on him. Clearly this was a problem -- getting caught using excessive force by an officer wouldn't be good. The station is on the street below to the likelihood is that they'd be there before I'd had a chance to put up an act of being scared and having remorse for doing it.

Later I pondered over it and realised that my only concern was that he was pissing me off and my mom's safety didn't even come into question - sending her away, on reflection, seemed more like a way to be alone to do what I thought I needed. If it wasn't for the 999 call, I'd probably have followed through.

So I guess my query is whether you think the urge I had is of serious concern. I clearly was rational about the consequences and backed down but being that close to the verge seems too close for comfort. Should I be seeking help, do you think?

like the name

Occams Chainsaw wrote:I clearly was rational about the consequences and backed down but being that close to the verge seems too close for comfort. Should I be seeking help, do you think?

i think you are ok.

- rational about the consequences
- too close for comfort

these are unlike aspd.

jmo!

crystal_richardson_ wrote:like the name

Hey, Crystal!

It seemed pithy enough; Hopefully it'll subdue my jackass thread, huh

I once knew a Crystal -- told her straight up on the first day of school that it sounds like a porn star name.

crystal_richardson_ wrote:i think you are ok.

- rational about the consequences
- too close for comfort

these are unlike aspd.

jmo!

okay. I appreciate your answer!

ty

I think you're interesting, and that's not a compliment I give to many.

IMO, situational awareness isn't necessarily a deal breaker when it comes to AsPD/Psychopathy. Even serial killers have boundries. The better the boundries, the more high-functioning you are and the better your chances for survival.

I'm guessing your IQ may be higher than average?

HereNow wrote:I'm guessing your IQ may be higher than average?

Has anyone ever answered this question with, 'no, I'm pretty stupid, comparatively'? Everyone always thinks they're smart.

mud wrote:Has anyone ever answered this question with, 'no, I'm pretty stupid, comparatively'?

The self-defeating ones and then the ones who are honest. Tends to tie in as well. Comparing oneself to others isn't a good habit. It's more healthy to accept when you have done something stupid and learn from it, rather than get angry at yourself for being human. You can only be as smart as you can be so punishing yourself only causes more misery.

Everyone always thinks they're smart.

Only when I have done something smart.

mud wrote:

HereNow wrote:I'm guessing your IQ may be higher than average?

Has anyone ever answered this question with, 'no, I'm pretty stupid, comparatively'? Everyone always thinks they're smart.

That's why I asked about IQ.

HereNow wrote:I think you're interesting, and that's not a compliment I give to many.

IMO, situational awareness isn't necessarily a deal breaker when it comes to AsPD/Psychopathy. Even serial killers have boundries. The better the boundries, the more high-functioning you are and the better your chances for survival.

I'm guessing your IQ may be higher than average?

Being an "interesting" psych case doesn't sound good! Nonetheless, compliment taken! Dare I ask what makes me interesting?

My IQ tends to lie around 125 so above average but not exceptional.

I've found that the best way to stay out of jail, is to keep yourself away from situations that will likely go south. Meaning, if your Mom's retardedness is going to put you in the perfect position to stab her boyfriend (which most of us psychopaths are foaming at the mouth, to do) stay away from her retardedness; meaning the two of them together. If you wish to spend time with your mother, do it away from them as a couple, and if your mother complaining about her boyfriend's behavior triggers your urges, instruct her that when the two of you spend time together, any mention of her boyfriend, good or bad, is off-limits.

If you are AsPD/DsPD/Psychopathic, recognizing these triggers and avoiding them, or what is going to help you survive. If you aren't and you avoid these triggers anyway, the worst that could happen is your life will become much more drama free, and that's never a bad thing.

I'm speaking from 24 years of experience when I say its best to get contained now, many of the urges will only get stronger.