Having a baby with a Sociopath

Hi Everyone,
I guess i am looking for suggestions on how to cope, i eleive my ex is a sociopath or has a anti social personality...
From all that ive read it describes his personality two a tee. I am 26, i met my ex in december of 2005. In the beginning of our relationship he charmed me and i beleived what a really wonderful man he was... By the middle of January i was pregnant and we were living together in Feb.
I am well aware of his other 4 kids that he has and is trying to regain custody of again (lead me to beleive it was mainly from his ex wifes mistakes that he does not have them) Since feb, i have noticed changes in his behavior, irritable, blaming, not hjelping or taking responsiblity for actions, lying and manipulating.
We had discussed his kids coming to stay with us but i mentioned i was not ready till i adjusted to the newborn and next year we would revisit this again, he seemed to understand but they have been putting pressure on him because he only has 1 yr left till his kids enter perminant foster care.
One month ago, although still living together, he had mentioned "he was done" sick of the arguing and saying that i am using my pregnancy as an excuse. Making threats to leave me all the time.
I left and told him to really think about what he wants, over the course of this time i am trying to exhaust all efforts in saving this relationship because he is the father of my unborn son, and i find it so weird that he would just walk away from something like this so easily....these couple weeks i has caught him in a bunch of lyes regarding his plans...
I moved my things out last weekend when he was "away with friends" i had had my suspitions of cheating, and they were confirmed 3 days after i moved out that there has been someone else for the past month. He continued to tell me i could meet her, telling me what kind of work she does how shes good with kids and has a 2 yr old of her own (like i really am ready to herar all these things and qualitys about his mistress), i have not been out of our house for a week and she has moved in!!!

I cant believe what kind of a woman would do this to a fellow woman, expectually someone with a child, it feels like he has riped my heart out and is gloating.... He keeps saying hes going to be a part of his sons life, but he has not done a damn thing so far...like saying "well the kid is not born yet"
I know this wound is still very fresh but i cant stop thinking about him and the good times i had with him, i wish i could just get more angry.....or loose the desire to want to call him still, when he cant even call to see if i need anything ask how i am or how the baby is....cuz hes busy.
I guess i dont know if anyone has been through something similar, but how do i move past this and begin to heal? How much effort do i make to keep a friendship or relationship for the sake of my unborn child?
When we together and he said he loved me did he mean it? Is he capable to love? Is there a part of him that really does have any true feelings?
Please help

How much effort do i make to keep a friendship or relationship for the sake of my unborn child?

Let the child make up their own mind; don't project your feelings on him or her. Children have a nack for blaming themselves for anything that is wrong with a family. Especially as this is happening while the child is unborn, he or she might feel they are responsible and I don't think you want that.

So my advice is allow the child to make up their own mind; don't poison their environment.

Nicki,my heart goes out to you.

Iv been in similar situations during pregnancy.Being pregnant can be a terrible time when your heart is broken.

My advice to you is now you are away from him,stay away.He has cheated on you.He has hurt you.Nobody has the right to do that,you are worth more than that.He would have to have something wrong with himself to treat another human like that.And im sure he will do it again and again,be glad you got away before it got too bad.

I know you will miss him strange as that is.Even if someone hurts us,its real wierd.I could never figure that out,I still cant.I guess its because we hang onto dreams,and on to hope,of how things could be.Its a terrible time.But things do get better,and it will take time to heal,just like a wound does.I hope you will be OK.

I am truly sorry for the situation you are now in. Try to concentrate on what's important here: your child. Yes, he or she will be starting with a struggle to adjust to a single parent household, but with lots of love, he will be okay. I grew up with a deadbeat dad (which is what I'm sure your ex will be), and although I took it harder than some, I'm okay. My parents (mom + stepdad) are a great support, and they have shown me what love really is. I know both good and bad now.

For you, this is a tough time because of the double-whammy you're dealing with: pregnancy and its crazy hormones, and a sociopathic ex who is out to hurt you. I can only relate to the latter. I remember the wishing-you-could-be-more-angry and the shame-for-missing-him stage. Anger takes time. It is a great cauterizer for open wounds, but they are too fresh for the anger to take hold. Give it time, (and his mistreatment of your child) and you will become quite angry indeed. You may regret wishing for it. Missing him is natural... but remember that if he's a sociopath, you aren't missing him at all... you are missing the projection he made of you. ASPDs mimic their prey to gain their confidence and love before they pounce. If you thought he was so great, that only means that YOU are a great person. He was projecting yourself back at you when you had your best times with him.

So, cherish yourself. You are the survivor here, and you like so many moms out there CAN do it alone. Your ex is only a detriment to this child although it may be a tough lesson that he/she will have to learn alone. You have to let your ex try to be a part of the child's life if he asks... refusing will only turn your child against you unless the ex is abusive or neglectful, etc. But you can make certain demands. Talk to a lawyer if you can... look for someone pro bono (FREE) if possible. You will get better. It's an uphill climb, but just keep moving away and away until he's a speck on the horizon.

We're with you. Keep posting.

Banned member

verty wrote:

How much effort do i make to keep a friendship or relationship for the sake of my unborn child?

Let the child make up their own mind; don't project your feelings on him or her. Children have a nack for blaming themselves for anything that is wrong with a family. Especially as this is happening while the child is unborn, he or she might feel they are responsible and I don't think you want that.

So my advice is allow the child to make up their own mind; don't poison their environment.

Although I agree with the sentiment, the baby won't be able to make that decision for a while. Until then, Nicki is the one who has to make the diecision.

Nicki wrote:I guess i dont know if anyone has been through something similar, but how do i move past this and begin to heal? How much effort do i make to keep a friendship or relationship for the sake of my unborn child?

What's for the child's sake? I don't believe that creating an illusion of a working family does anything but invite trouble later. If he's a danger to the child, then being his friend is of no help. If he's not a danger, the rest is up to you.

Remember that him hurting you can be a problem for your child later on. It can give the child the wrong idea about how relationships should work.

When we together and he said he loved me did he mean it? Is he capable to love? Is there a part of him that really does have any true feelings?
Please help

Take the advice of someone on the other side. It doesn't matter whether or not he loves you. It shouldn't even be part of your considerations. Take care of yourself and your kid. If he gets in the way of that, keep him away from you.

Nikki,
I was in exactly your place 5 years ago with the exception that I stayed with mine. Here I am with a 4 year old son, just now leaving the relationship. Thank your lucky stars that he has left - it would have only gotten worse. Mine ended up physically/verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusing me the entire 5 year marriage. I left 3 months ago because I couldn't take the abuse anymore. He has sucked me back in once or twice, but his true self always comes through fairly quickly these days.

If you stay, your child will only become a pawn in his sick game. Leave now and hope that he doesn't want to part of his life because he has nothing to teach him but manipulation, pain and heartache. Stand strong and know that you can and will raise this child in the best possible environment.

I find myself in a similar situation - 6 months pregnant, and being shut out. So hard - my heart still loves him even though the hurt/frustration/anger/confusion is extreme. The only course of action I can think of is No Contact (or atleast trying - Im still addicted to him?) ... and working out what I want for the future. Do I put his name on the birth certificate, which leads me open to custody claims in the future? He is offering no financial support, even though he is legally obliged to (saying he will try for split custody if I "fight him")... I dont want to raise this child alone, and I dont want the child to blame me for leaving... but hoping for change just keeps me vulnerable. I dont want my child to see the way he treats me and to think it's okay. I dont want them to be manipulated, or follow his footprints.

You could also try learning about his condition, and understanding where he comes from. Maybe all he really needs is someone like you, who can feel so strongly. He can calm you down, and you can inspire him.

It might be hard for you to justify his lies right now, but understand that he may only be trying to protect you. Threats to leave could be him realizing he has caused you harm.

He is capable to love, he just experiences it differently. If he wants to take care of the kid, try it out.
He might be a good father.