What is the truth? (long post)

Dear Reader,

This may be a bit of strange thing to hear but…somehow I sometimes know things that most people wouldn’t have known if they were in my position. Not like I’m always right and sometimes I’m zoned out but at times I can be more “aware” so to speak than most people. Not like there’s always something happening…most of daily school life until now was pretty routine, sometimes fun, and sometimes a little boring. I got used to not saying anything because it was easier that way…since most people would think I was paranoid or delusional or maybe even schizophrenic since a lot of times I wouldn’t be able to prove that what I said was true or have concrete evidence for it. While I trust what I directly and clearly see and hear, I know that some of the gut feelings I get are wrong so if I have a hunch, I either forget about it if it’s not important or try and wait and see if enough evidence comes up. To be honest, I don’t even know how this ability (if I can call it that) works or why or even how to turn it “on” or “off” (other than get distracted). I know…maybe it sounds like I really am paranoid or do have some psychiatric illness but I thought that what I went through recently would have been enough proof to show that there’s truth in what I just said.

So this is what happened...recently I had been going to this megachurch that gave free coffee. I had a few brief conversations about some experiences with Christianity with a friend who sometimes joined me to study at the megachurch. I started wondering if it was easier to go through life if you believed in a religion or believed in God (I didn’t at that time). I talked about this to another friend who was religious and asked that exact question to her. Anyway, I guess it came off as weird or unusual to her coming from me. Some other time later I told her how I wished I had gone to see a therapist for some trauma I had in my childhood. We had shared our experience with childhood trauma before so I thought I could be more open about some of the self-doubt I had about myself. I guess it came off as depressing, which I admit I had felt a little depressed but nowhere to the point where she thought I was. I had no idea that talking to her about those things would lead to what happened next. Even though I think (not sure) she may have been swayed to go to the length she did by two former friends of mine, I know in the end she did what she did because she was genuinely worried so I don’t hold it against her. Still I regret opening up and talking about religion and my self-doubt since it ended up causing this mess and causing a lot of distress (not just to me but to my friends and especially my family). In some ways, I think this may have all been in God’s plan and I know that this has helped shed some light on some of the things I’ve wondered about but I’m still reeling from the effects of recent events so maybe I’m just not fully seeing the good that’s coming out of this.

To continue with what happened…near the end of the term during our exam week, an incident occurred with a former friend who stole my mac charger. I confirmed and made sure of this by calling the coffee shop where we had studied at the night before and asking if the barista who had worked that night had seen it and some other details that directly conflicted with what my former friend had said.

Anyway, that occurred on a Saturday morning and was annoying but I never thought that things would start getting worse from there. That afternoon I went to the B&N to study at the coffee shop there. Earlier I had told another one of my friends who I had gchatted to that morning where I was going to study that day. So I was there and studying at a table, when the two Asian girls at a table diagonal from me started talking about me. At first I wasn’t sure of it since normally something like that doesn’t happen, but then I became sure of it as I listened to what they were saying. It sounded like some kind of profile with bits of basic school info and things mixed in. I ignored them, but from time to time I could feel one of the girls looking at me. I know that sounds weird but for some reason I’m good at sensing that, so when I felt her she looking at me I reflexively looked away to the side. I guess it’s kind of a bluff to pretend like I didn’t notice, and I even heard her say one time, “she keeps looking away.” After a while they got ready to leave, and I casually looked at the girl as she looked at me as she was getting up. Again, I thought “well, that was really weird” but I didn’t think too much of it until the next day.

On Sunday my friend, who I had told that I was going to be at B&N the other day, asked me where I was going to study again. This time, something clicked and I thought “maybe she wants to know where I am going to be so they can evaluate me.” “They” being the school psychiatrists or something similar. I told her where I was going to be but I decided to look as calm and casual as possible while studying. At first I wasn’t 100% sure if I was right or not with my hunch, but then a man came in with his family. He didn’t raise my suspicion at first but then I caught him looking at dead-on me with this piercing gaze and I knew he was one of the people who were there to evaluate me. Another two women who at first was going to sit next to me but then decided to move; one of them again looked at me dead-on with the same kind of eyes. I know that sounds like I’m just paranoid about being looked at, but it’s not like that. It’s a completely different feel from the casual eye contact…I can’t quite put it in words how it feels different but it is. Anyway, in the end another two women sat next to me on the other side. I didn’t think too much of them until I noticed one of them with a packet with what looked like picture drawings of different facial expressions. I caught her glancing at me while marking the packet and I realized she was keeping track of my facial expressions. By the time I got home that night, I figured that someone at school had thought I was depressed and had warned the student wellness committee or some other person/organization, but didn’t worry too much about it since I wasn’t feeling that depressed and figured that the misunderstanding would clear up soon.

Anyway, after a huge exam on Monday, my friends invited me to lunch and my worst fears were confirmed. I caught them looking at me with sad expressions as if they were looked at someone who was sick. My friend who I had told where I was studying that weekend told me a little story about how she had a dream where she couldn’t tell if it was real or not. Another friend I hung out with later was much better at masking his knowledge about the whole affair and I had a great time hanging out that afternoon. Later that evening though, I started thinking about what had happened recently and started feeling very isolated after a miscommunication with another friend about studying plans. It dawned on me more and more how serious this psychiatric evaluation was getting and how some of my friends actually probably thought I was going to kill myself or thought I was going crazy. It hurt me very, very deeply to be thought of that way and with the strangeness of having people observing me, I even started wondering if they were right…that I was actually having an acute psychosis or delusions or was schizophrenic. I felt so hurt that I actually prayed to God: “Please, please help me. If I’m actually really going crazy, prove it to me and get me the help that I need. If I’m not crazy and I really have this ability, prove it to me and prove it to them. Help me clear up this mess.” I’ve never been a religious person but I was so scared and felt that no one really understood me and had no one else to turn to.

That night I probably gave them a huge scare. When I’m feeling really down, I like to go out and drive aimlessly for a while to clear my head and cheer up. There were several cars tailing me that night probably worried that I was going to crash the car or something. At the late-night coffee shop I went to later, the usually casual barista was a bit nervous. I could tell he was probably warned about my going there and as I studied, I could hear a girl and a guy having a discussion about my case. It sounded like they had even gotten access to my email, gchat, and maybe text messages. I just ignored them and did my best to focus on studying for the remediation exam I had the next morning.

Next morning I went and had the remediation exam. There were two guys at the stairway and few other people posted around. Also in the atrium after I got out of the exam, there were some people who didn’t belong there. At the entrance of the school was a cop car that zoomed off as I went down the stairway with another car following. As I went to get lunch later that day, I had no idea how wide of a network there was for people they thought who were potentially a danger to themselves or others. I’m truly amazed at how many people are involved in it…I had no idea. There were several people I spotted as I went, ate lunch, and came back home.

As I cleaned my apartment, I had my windows open and my blinds open. Maybe it was because of that that I heard a girl and guy talking. I think the girl is possibly a psych resident who lives in the building across from the courtyard from me (not 100% sure). She was talking about my case and how she thought Dr. Somebody (I couldn’t catch the name) evaluation was wrong and that my friend was right about me just needing moral support. I also heard her say that some people thought I had ESP. I also heard that they had decided to expel someone out of school. I couldn’t catch the name and not sure why that came about but I suspect she was talking about someone I had stopped being friends with a little while back. I’m not exactly sure who they were talking about and why it came to that, but it seemed things were finally settling down and it made me relieved and happy because I thought everything was over and done with.

That night, a friend called to ask me some relationship advice. I didn’t think anything of it and that morning, another friend who was giving me a ride to the airport texted me to make sure I was ready but didn’t get to my place until an hour later. Again, I didn’t think anything of it at that time but looking back I wonder if they were trying to sleep deprive me a little bit. Maybe not…not so sure on this. I knew something was up as soon as I saw my friend. He sounded as if he had been crying and I had a feeling that his eyes were red under his sunglasses. It was a bit awkward in the car at first but I struck up a conversation and tried to get him to relax a bit.

At the airport, I definitely knew something was up. There was a lady with sunglasses with a cellphone (they use this to communicate to the network obviously) at a crosswalk at the airport. She quickly looked away as I caught her eye, and I thought “okay, I guess things aren’t over.” The lady at the counter had to help me since the kiosk couldn’t do the usual automatic check-in, and the flight was delayed for 40min. I thought that was weird, but later I knew exactly what they were going to do once I got near the gate. There were giggly-jiggly children’s toys going off at a magazine rack and I couldn’t help but laugh a little. I knew for sure right then that they were going to do a stress test on me to try to stop me from boarding. I figured I’d use my cellphone to play games on to ignore them. It would also help to mask whatever stress response like increase in heart rate and body temperature I would get from going through that. In some ways it was interesting to hear what people thought would get me upset. Anyway, after boarding the stewardess made things even more obvious than it already was by acting scared and nervous around me. That’s also when I decided, well why don’t I make it obvious too. Make it obvious that I know what’s going on and show that I’m not crazy by showing my ability. I started even more to look at them if they looked at me to prove that I knew. What more, it should also be on all the airport security cameras so there’s proof. There’s evidence! Finally a way to show what I can do without sounding crazy. A way to prove my sanity so to speak.

I was really exhausted at the end and had a pretty big headache. It was a really long day but I was happy and excited too. I thought I had been able to say “Hey! I’m not crazy!! Look, it’s just something that I can do!” without actually saying it and getting slammed with the psych label. Now I know how horrible that label is. It’s terrifying. It’s a real nightmare that changes everything. The way people look at you and think of you is completely different. The way people interpret your words, your actions, everything. Even my own family, when I first got home wouldn’t look at me when we talked. It’s like they’d be looking at some vague spot next to my head. I know it was because they were warned not to and probably were told that it would upset me or something, but I have to say it’s really obvious and weird when someone purposely tries not to look at you and just looks in your general direction when you’re talking together. I just stayed myself and acted like I always do and they relaxed a little after a bit.

I really regret talking to my friend some days later about how I knew. I figured the cat was out of the bag and thought that it would be nice to kind of talk about it with someone finally after all these years, but I think it might have cast suspicion on me again. I had thought about talking with one of my family members like my sister or brother instead…but somehow it just felt so awkward. I really feel alone sometimes on this. I was also worried about the consequence of what I went through. I wondered if there would be a permanent file on me about it. I think telling my friend that I knew might have made some people think I was warned about the airport test (I wasn’t) or maybe even that I set things up to escape from school obligations. I thought that the airport videos would be enough evidence to prove that I’m not just having delusions and put an end to this, but I guess it might have not been enough. I feel like I’m back to square one or maybe even worse off with this dragging on and I can tell that it’s emotionally straining my family, especially my mom. I wish I could do something to comfort her and assure her that I’m okay but now more than ever, it’s hard to talk about this kind of thing. Especially since it’s my mental/emotional balance that’s in question.

I have to say though, I would think that an experience like this that I endured would be enough to upset most people and maybe even cause them to become paranoid for a while at least. I don’t think that it’s healthy to be evaluated like this and although I understand that the network probably has saved a lot of suicidal people or saved people from getting hurt by someone who was truly psychotic, it’s a horrific experience for someone who is sane and is aware of what’s happening. Having people, even with good intentions, watch you to see if you act in what they consider an unusual way is stressful in itself. For example, I did not do as well as I wanted on a practice exam and I felt bad about it. So I said, “I’m sad” and ate some sweet things and moped for a few hours. I think that this reaction to disappointment is not unusual but since I’m on the watch list, it becomes a red flag. So calling my brother, who reads the student forums often, to ask if he knows about the accuracy of the practice exam becomes suspicious. Typing on my laptop at night becomes a cause for alarm (FYI: As they found out, I was looking up the correct answers for the questions I missed so that I could make a list of them). This overreaction, while understandable if someone was actually potentially suicidal, just makes things worse if the person is just feeling stressed. The worst part is how hard it is to prove your innocence. You can’t just openly say, “I’m not insane or emotionally unhinged. I’m not going to kill myself or anyone else.” because your own evaluation of yourself means nothing when you’re suspected of being psychiatrically ill.

I know it sounds like a crazy story and it’s strange to do this over the anonymity of the internet but I hope that someone in the psychiatric network who knows the truth in my words will see this. I’m relatively good at putting up with things but this is getting to be too much, especially with how it’s affecting my family. I’m also flying out relatively soon and don’t want to have to go through another episode of the airport nightmare. If possible, I want to state my case the best that I can to end this once and for all.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. If it happens that my observations and recall of the events that transpired are incorrect, then please prove this to me with evidence so that I can accept and believe that I do indeed have a psychiatric illness. I think I’ve opened up and talked about enough details and observations I made so that this should be easy enough to do if what I saw and heard are false. I then will gladly seek and accept treatment. If it’s something in between and what I have is just something some people are able to do, then I hope that I can meet them so that I have someone to talk to who actually understands what it’s like. If what I can do is truly unique and I am alone in the world with this, then please just treat me as you would treat any other person. I pray to God that he lead me and show me the way redemptio

not a single person, aside from yourself, has the ability to convince you that your perceptions are false.

do you know what it's like to believe in god? you start see god everywhere, in every little human behavior, every disaster and every "miracle." we create and desperately seek to confirm our own beliefs--amazing, isn't it?

I guess no one who knows my situation read this. :-/

Now I'm back to being monitored as a suicide risk. I wonder why they can't understand the simple fact that most people if they know they are being watched becomes paranoid. I slipped into becoming paranoid because of being monitored previously. I am on an antipsychotic so maybe that would help, but being monitored again is a very emotionally and pyschologically straining situation. Who knows if it'll drive me into paranoia again.

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. If that is true, then I wonder why the school counselors aren't considered insane. I know that they are trying to help me, but I feel like they don't really understand how sensitive I am to being watched.

Yeah I understand your point, but I'm not sure if my faith in God is that strong. I believe he exists now and from time to time I will pray to him. Since he seems to have not helped me too much with this situation, I'm not sure how much faith I should place on him. That's about it.