i've come to realize that i am actually in control of my outbursts and that i sort of "explode"--oftentimes i freak out on people (it's kind of like a"LOOK AT ME, I'M AN ANXIOUS CATASTROPHE, SCREW YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY AND WATCH ME LOSE IT" kind of feeling deep down) as revenge when i feel invalidated. if you pay VERY close attention to your internal reactions, you start to realize that these impulsive outbursts are very, very QUICK decisions that you can catch before letting yourself go nuts. intense self-awareness takes practice though, but basically... how do i explain? there is this INSTANT, after the feeling hits, during which time i decide to act. in that moment i remind myself of the inevitable downward spiral and practice, practice, practice self-discipline and positive/logical self-talk (i remind myself that i'm an autonomous human being and that the other person literally has no ability to control me--nor do they deserve my "attack," since they are not even really attacking me--and every person is their own network of self-centered operation, if that makes any sense). i still have trouble when it comes to taking my anger out on myself in private since i temporarily suppress it in public (like i said, control is redirection--you can't really ever push an emotion down, it just leaks out elsewhere), but physical activity helps a lot. running + angry music = AMAZING, seriously.
self-awareness and self-talk is key here, but outlets are important as well. more and more i'm beginning to realize that i'm angry and bitter because i WANT to be angry and bitter, or i'm anxious because i WANT to be anxious. if there are no healthy outlets, the whole world becomes an outlet... i'm still struggling to find different ways to let it out. like i said, exercise and music are great, do you do anything like that now?
one other trick... i like to think of it all as a challenge. i find that if you think about it positively, it gradually becomes a positive journey. but i'm a perfectionist and i can channel that aspect of myself into different facets of life, so the idea of a challenge that i can win helps me a ton.