My past is haunting me and I don't know what to do?

I've had a bad school life. It will be a long post because I want to analyze everything.

I was born in a family where my father abandoned me as a baby and my mother was never around.Back there as a kid in the elementary, I was very mischievous. I would participate with guys into pranks and laughing much, even inside class. And so the teacher would kick me out the class. I didn't had many connections with the other girls but they didn't like me. Sometimes they would talk to me or play since we were kids. But eventually, they started to become hostile towards me. Not only that, they would tell negative stuff about me to the guys and they also started to become hostile towards me. I ended up having constantly fights with them, using violence against those guys that were kicking me. I remember a bad memory back there; It was time for the class to leave and one girl from the class gathered the whole class and when I left, they would chase after me calling me stupid or trying to kick me. I never understood why they treated me that way, i wasn't the kind of person to go and attack someone for fun.

I changed that elementary school to another one. Basically it was the last grade of ES. I happened to be in a class where the majority were girls. At first they accepted me and i decided to join their hobby. (they liked to collect letter paper) But personally, i liked games or cartoons more when those girls were trying to act all mature.I felt like i don't belong with them, i want to have laughs as the mischievous person i was.And eventually, one of those girls started to spread bad rumors among the class and she turned everyone against me.The same; Calling me stupid or a 'kid' unlike them. (Those girls were around 12 like me). Our teacher was a woman and she would ally herself with that group of girls.If those girls would tell her that i was stupid, she would agree and i once eavesdrop it. Even when i graduated from the ES, she put a B to my certificate while she put an A to all of them. I didn't resume the High School with those people, i changed again.

The Middle School was better...The first grade was fun, because the majority of the class were boys and they didn't care to gossip.But the second grade..Because our class was small, it had to be mixed with the next one. The next class was full of egotistical girls and again i was involved with a similar situation but this time they wouldn't call me stupid. There was this girl where her mother was working at our school so everyone were trying to be in good terms with her but i didn't like her.I didn't had any connections with her but randomly she targeted me.She would make fun of my overbite, calling me ugly. Eventually she gathered her friends and they would laugh at me. Nobody wanted so sit on the same desk as I. And later she would say that I smell terrible when i didn't, so to make more people to avoid me. I endured everything and I proceeded to the High School next. There were 2 choices to pick a High School and I chose the one where that girl didn't attend.But I didn't expect that it would be worse. In HS, the guys and girls are older and they are acting different.

The HS I attended to, was full of bad guys using drugs and violence.Even the teachers were scared of them. And the other girls would only gossip or talk about their boyfriends.Due that time, I started to change myself..I was wearing revealing clothes and i dyed my hair a fancy color.(I did it because of those people calling me ugly at my middle school, trying to prove myself better)So i was drawing attention and those chavs would come to me trying to annoy me and sexually harass me.Also, those girls in my class that only knew how to gossip and make out even inside the class were their friends.So they would talk crap about me. I endured 2 years but i couldn't last..I didn't had the courage to go at school, knowing that those people will harass me and then i have to beat them out. I failed the grade because of them, so to get in a class. The new class was actually better, i had 2 classmates girls that were nice towards me.But some of the guys were friends of those chavs so they'd still say crap. I didn't kept connections with anyone from HS and neither did seem to want to be my friend and later.

Generally, when i was out of school, i did had some friends that were nice.But those chavs at my school knew all of the chavs in the whole city so i had some problems.For example, my best friend dated one of those chavs and she heard to them when they told her to avoid me.

Those events have caused me a trauma..I always had troubles to make very good friends,i only had 2 best friends that abandoned me. My personality has also changed; I was mischievous back there but now i'm very harsh, cold, rude and strict. Also I spend most of my time alone except when i'm working.And even at work, i keep a distance from the other workers i just feel like i want to be isolated for good. But still, deep inside me, i wish i had fun like the other normal people.I tried to make some friends through the internet and meet them in reality afterwards but they didn't want.

Anyway i keep thinking of the past so much and i can't move toward the future. What would you advice me? Thanks.

I hate how you were treated when you were younger. If I had lived your life I would be angry and cold too.
It sounds to me that you had a terrible school system that allowed such abuse.
I think it would be a mistake to think of it as a problem with girls only. There are kind people in the world today. Bot h men and women. But hey have to have a level of maturity and more past the stupid high school mentality. Kids are so cruel and even when adults it takes a while before they pout grow such useless habits.
If I could share any advice with you it would be this. Star to focus on what you have in life, not what you do not have. Reach for what you would like in life, not what you what is out of reach.
When you were in school you didn't have much power over the social aspects of life. But you are grown now. NOW you get to be who you want. Others who are like you will be drawn to you and you to them. Let the others get on with their own little lives. Give yourself permission to be who YOU want and to heck with the others.
Your already a great person-ready made. You just need to own that.
With care,
One

PUNYSH those who punysh otheres for naught.

Karma.


Lyfe sucks.

Well obviously you saw what was going on.

I for one forgive you being judgemental or harsh, let it go and explore your different interests/hobbies. A man with (wholesome) interests always meets another sooner or later so you won't be lonely for long.

You remind me of myself in many ways. Thanks for your post.