Please, Somebody Help Me....

I'm 25, about to be 26 in March, and I have Bi-Polar Type 1. I am also a rapid-cycler. Now heres the problem...
I've been having an affair with a woman behind my husbands back off and on for the last 9 months. The problem is, before I met her, I was NEVER attracted to other women. EVER. At least not in the sexual way. Well, anyway, we would date and then I'd break up with her when I felt 'better'. It was like when I was coming down off my high, i realized how stupid I was being by having this affair, and so I'd end it with all intensive purposes of never talking to her again. Well, not long after I'd come down, I'd go WAY down and be depressed and start missing her, almost like an obsession. I felt addicted to her. Then I'd get to a normal spot and break up again, only to go back to a high point and need her again like crazy. Well, she took all she could and now that I'm in a bad spot again and need her so badly, she's told me pretty much "###$ you". I know that I don't REALLY need her, it's just all in my head, but what I know and what my mind is telling me are two different things. My mind is telling me that i'm a worthless piece of $#%^ that's hurt her so many times that it's a wonder she hasn't committed suicide by now. She never deserved any of this, and when I tried to explain to her once why I kept breaking her heart, she blew up and thought that all I'd ever felt for her was a lie. I tried to tell her that it wasn't a lie when I was high or low...it was real...but she doesnt' believe me. I've heard of people like me having hyper sexual desires when they're on a high moment, but this is awful. For the first time, i'm seriously considering punishing myself for how much I've hurt her. She's such an amazing person, and now she's so cynical and depessed. Not like she used to be at all. I've thought many times about how I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, but this time, i'm thinking about just cutting my arms to punish myself and have visible permenant scars to match the invisible scars I've put on her heart. To top of all that, i'm currently stuck in the hospital with my husband who is very sick with an infection right now, so I can't even really go anywhere to get help till he gets better........so i'm reaching out on the internet......can anybody help me? Please?!

Hi, Demonica,

I don't have bipolar disorder so I don't know for sure how it feels to cycle like that, but I did want to tell you please don't hurt yourself. It won't help. Yes, you've hurt this girl, but it seems like it stems more from your mental illness than deliberately trying to f*ck around with her. Be that as it may, she did have a legitimate reason to say she can't do this anymore. I'm sorry that she believes that you never felt anything for her. To me [and please correct me if I'm wrong], it sounds more like yes, you did have feelings for her, but when you'd come back down off your high, the fact that you had feelings for a girl [especially while you were married] freaked you out too much. Is that close to the truth?

It sounds like this is actually going to be better for both of you [and your husband] that you aren't together anymore, but I understand how much it hurts. Neither of you deserve to be in a cycle like that, it's self-destructive. [How do you feel about having an affair in general, though? I'm not sure if you feel bad because of the affair, or more because you were attracted to a woman, and not a man.]

I don't know if this will help, and it might possibly make the craving worse. But this is what I remember when I have fights etc. with my bf. Is that what looks better and looks more like I'm a healthy person who's able to cope with bad things? The girl who, yes, felt the urge to cut, but resisted and found other ways to deal with it, or the girl who did give in and cut. I don't think you're bad at all if you do cut, but I would say that it's much healthier not to, and sometimes that helps with relationships.

I'm sorry your husband is so sick, I hope he feels better soon.

There so much I could say, but I'll keep it short for now. Simplify your life hun. Avoid as many complications as possible or your going to crash. You let go a dysfunctional relationship. Keep it away. Your life sounds like it has you spinning, so slow down as much as you can. Keep talking here as much as you like, knowing there are people listening can help.
With Hope,
One

Hi Demonica,

It may be best to just say "I'm sorry. I have a problem. I'm trying to improve and do the best I can", leave it at that and hope she understands one day. Here's hoping your husband gets better soon.

get a massive tattoo on your ribcage or under your arms - - will be a sane way to express emotion and feel pain . . .

I personally would want to move on from my painful experiences, rather than have permanent marks on my body reminding me of them. Tattoos all fade and end up looking all green, no matter how they look in the beginning.
How are you doing now hun?
One

You have my sympathy. I can relate to those conflicting emotions and desires. They’re both so genuine when you’re experiencing them. I can understand how this can be difficult for others.

I agree with Eisa in that your behavior stemmed from your mental illness and guilt. You weren’t intentionally jerking this woman around, but you were on some level using her. You were getting something out of that relationship; maybe it was the rush, the attention or the emotional connection you had. Maybe her chemical make-up reacts very strongly with your chemical make-up. Whatever it might be, regardless of whether you truly loved her or not, the primary goal was that you felt better.

This woman accepted you back all those times. That was her choice. I understand all too well that emotions can blind us to reality. How did she think this relationship was going to end? You’re married. Did she think you were going to leave your husband and run away with her? Did you ever discuss the nature of your relationship and where it was headed? The reality is that this wasn’t a good situation for her. She couldn’t go on sharing you with your husband in secrecy for X years.

As hurt and depressed as this woman is right now, she will move on. She’s going through a normal process of grieving. We all do this when a relationship ends; more so when that relationship was filled with a lot of highs and lows. It might take some time, but she will bounce back and she will love again. Let her go.