Whats wrong with me..:(

Hello everyone.. My name is Sandra.. 21 years old, from Norway.
I dont know if this is the right place to write about my problem, but i try anyways.
So now, i dont know if i can stand this any longer.. I've felt ugly since i can remember.. Especially from my right side. i cannot stand it. It looks so much different from my left side.. why is that..?:( i feel like an ugly person all over, but looking so much different from mu right side, is what i hate the most.. My mom and stepdad cant see it.. I work as a bartender sometimes, And i get compliments all the time, over how ''beautiful'' i am.. and im like ''WHERE''?! where the f*** am i beautiful?? Like yesterday, i got a message from the DJ at the Club where i work at; ''What a sexy woman you are..'' .. Shouldnt this help?? to hear stuff like this?? But no.. it kinda makes me angry to see that people can stand there and lie into my face like that. Cause i cant see anything beautiful about me. i look in the mirror, and i can stand there and stare for minutes, and all of a sudden break down and cry for hours.. right now, as i write, im as low as i've ever been.. I shut myself in about 4 days ago, have not eaten, i've turned off all the lights, and avoid any contact with people what so ever.. All i can think about is how badly i want to commit suicide. But i am to much of a coward to do it. Why does my looks control my life so much..?
All i want is to be normal.. If i only could look the same on both sides of my face, and be pretty.. i would be able to be the fun, outgoing person that i really am.
But instead, i let my only life go by...
Even though i have people telling me how pretty i am, all the time, i feel like this.. Why cant i see what they claim to see..??
I'm at the point of breaking down completely... Please someone, tell me whats wrong with me..

Hi, Sandra!

I'm sorry you can't see what others say they see Have you looked at Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Take a look at it.

There's a forum here for it:
body-dysmorphic-disorder/

Can you see a therapist?

canolime wrote:Hi, Sandra!

I'm sorry you can't see what others say they see Have you looked at Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Take a look at it.

There's a forum here for it:
body-dysmorphic-disorder/

Can you see a therapist?

Hello, Canolime.
Thank you for your time..

I have taken a look at that yes, but i highly doubt thats what the problem is... I mean, i know what i see.. and it aint pretty..
Well.. Ya'll are probably gonna laugh of me now, and my crappy explanations probably doesnt make it better, but i have a huuuge issue with how my face looks like from one side.. From the tilted left side my face looks soo beautiful.. i look feminine.. And i allways make sure that side is the one thats being shown in pictures and such.. when i talk to people i allways make sure i have the left side of my face towards them.. However, my tilted right side looks HIDEOUS!! im serious, my face looks like someone elses.. and when i talk or open my mouth at all when i view from that side, my goodness, its awful.. i look like a man.. i wish so much i looked the same on both sides.. Then all of this wouldnt be.
Why is this..? What the dang did i do to deserve this..?? i am soo so jelaous of those that doesnt have to deal with this..
And its ruining my social life totally.. like.. i spend hours fixing my hair and makeup. and it takes even a couple of hours more till i actually leave the house.. cause i need to constantly go and check in the mirror, if everything is looking allright.. And if it doesnt, it happens that i dont even leave the house. Cause then i realize how ugly i really am, and i break down in tears and shut myself in.. And being this ugly, i cant be myself.. i cant be the fun, outgoing girl that i truly am, and i seriously cant handle it anymore.. i feel trapped in a skin i dont belong in..

But why do i let my looks control my life like this?
I mean, i have everything.. Good family.. an apartment.. a job.. im a trucker! I work as a bartender every now and then too.. good economy.
I should be able to enjoy all of this but i dont.. i cant see joy in anything..! Even when i should be happy, i arent..
All thats in my mind, is suicide.. But im to much of a coward to actually go through with it.. i feel guilty for all the work my mama did in raising me, and i would just waste it like that? i cant do that to her.. i think.. i am so confused.
Good Lord, when is this going to end..

Have you tried cognitive therapy? These sound like severely distorted thoughts to me.

Remember that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. What you are saying is proof of that. Other people see you as beautiful and sexy. But in your eyes you are ugly. Is beauty all that you feel you have to offer? What is inside you that could make you happy? Try focusing on that instead.

I'm sorry I took so long to reply.

SandeeBlaze wrote:I have taken a look at that yes, but i highly doubt thats what the problem is... I mean, i know what i see.. and it aint pretty..

But if you do have BDD, you wouldn't really be the best judge of how you look. If other people are telling you you're pretty, maybe you are and just don't see it. There may be small differences or flaws, but others might not even notice them, or the flaws are so small that it doesn't even matter to them. This is from a webpage, talking about BDD:

"However, the person themselves cannot see that what they believe is distorted. Many hold the belief that they are seeing all of this, therefore it MUST be true. This is one of the main reasons that it is so hard for people on the "outside" to try and convince even the most severely emaciated people with anorexia that they are not fat or failures - the people with anorexia and/or bulimia themselves literally cannot look in the mirror and see the same person that everyone else sees."
http://www.healthyplace.com/eating-diso ... u-id-1383/

That part I put in bold sounds kind of like what you were saying, right?

I don't think your face could be that different. The sides of your face aren't supposed to be identical... that would really look weird. Do other people notice a major difference? Do you think you could be over-analyzing your face?

SandeeBlaze wrote:And its ruining my social life totally.. like.. i spend hours fixing my hair and makeup. and it takes even a couple of hours more till i actually leave the house.. cause i need to constantly go and check in the mirror, if everything is looking allright.. And if it doesnt, it happens that i dont even leave the house. Cause then i realize how ugly i really am, and i break down in tears and shut myself in.. And being this ugly, i cant be myself.. i cant be the fun, outgoing girl that i truly am, and i seriously cant handle it anymore.. i feel trapped in a skin i dont belong in..

"Although people with mild BDD usually continue to go to school, the obsessions can interfere with their daily lives. For example, someone might measure or examine the "flawed" body part repeatedly or spend large sums of money and time on makeup to cover the problem. Some people with BDD hide from others, and avoid going places because of fear of being seen. Spending so much time and energy on appearance concerns robs a person of pleasure and happiness, and of opportunities for fun and socializing.

People with severe symptoms may drop out of school, quit their jobs, or refuse to leave their homes. Many people with BDD also develop depression. People with the most severe BDD may even consider or attempt suicide."
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/bo ... blem.html#

SandeeBlaze wrote:All thats in my mind, is suicide.. But im to much of a coward to actually go through with it.

That doesn't make you a coward. It's a survival thing, and it's good to have something that makes you change your mind. Find a therapist, so you can work on feeling better about yourself.

Sandee,
I also want to encourage you to see a therapist.

Hello again guys, sorry for the terribly late respond..
I am soo much appreciating that you are taking your time, to write to me.. it says alot about you guys, that you waste some of your time on someone you dont even know.

You know what.. i woke up the other day, and i felt so good.. prior to that i had a week long, extremely depressing week.. Allmost to the point where i ended my life.
And waking up that morning, and feeling that great (God knows why), made me think.. What the heck were i thinking when i allmost ended this amazing life..? FOR LOOKS?!?! oh my.. And this was because of some simple words from a buddy of mine;
''Sandra... Have you given this a thought; that YOU are the only one that thinks you are ugly...? From that certain side of the face of yours? '' I dont know how to explain, but he made me look at it from a different perspective. If that makes sense.. And honestly i've never even thought about that. I never in a million years thought i'd ever say this, but i am happy with how i look.. For now at least (!). And i hope this feeling settles.. I still think im ugly, but not as much as before..
My face still looks different from one side, but that makes me, ME.. And if someday, it gets bad again, i could allways fix it with plastic surgery...
But what really have made me open my eyes, is when i've been thinking about how much i've been missing out on, because of some imagined flaws... Or, the flaws might be there, but as my friend said, im the only one that sees them as horrible as i think they are..
So i've tried, still trying, to convince myself to believe the people that tells me im beautiful..
But honestly, being unhappy with the way you look, really isnt worth committing suicide for.. you can ALLWAYS fix it, if it really bothers you that much, either its mentally or physically.

NOW though, i think i have to start and work on the inside.. Getting some confidence, and just being comfortable with myself..
Start loving myself, in simple words.. But how... I really dont want to see a therapist..
You see.. i used to be in the military, currently working as a trucker, and i am planning on going back to the military. And if i got any depression-shit printed on the paper, the chances of being allowed to get back into the Army, is minimal.
Does anyone know of something online, either its a video of some sort or just plain reading, that helps?

Again, Canolime, Faepacific, Bpladybug, you have no idea how much appreciate your time..
Thank you!=)

Hi there.
Our cultures idea of what is attractive is really screwed up. Symmetry they say. How stupid is that. Some of the most fascinating people I know have incredible hearts and minds and they are not symmetrical in appearance. So is their worth less than others.?
My sister has a physical disability. She has Hydrocephalus. Her head is very large and her facial features are very unique from it.
All her life she has never bonded to me though. I'm the "pretty" one in our family. I used to be punished for this. My mother would say all the time that if my sister had been born normal she would be more Beautiful than me. Why say that?
I don't blame my sis for the resentment she has towards me. She was dealt some tough cards. She was also raised to resent me.
Her and I struggle on opposite sides of the coin. She feels like she is not pretty enough,(I think she is-her eyes are amazing) And I have felt judged and ignored because I was prettier than her. People would come for dinner or meet us for the first time and out of their own head space, they would give her the attention and ignore or belittle me. Then I would have people tell me how wonderful my sister was. WTH? I knew that! I loved my sister, I lived with her and knew how lovely she was. Her disability gave her more attention than I. Maybe people thought she needed it more than me. But people motives were screwed up. Not only did my sister have an illness but her whole life she has been treated as ill. That has done more psychological damage to her than her appearance has. Now she deliberately goes out of her way to be as unattractive as possible-it gets her the love and support she is addicted too.
For 30 years of my life I tried to show people I was more than my appearance. I had a kind soul too. That I was funny and smart too. But the history is there and my sister still avoids me.
So heres my point. You have to decide who you are. No one else has the right or the first clue as to who you are until they KNOW you. My sister compared herself to me and had no idea how hard I tried to be more like her. You've got the face you have. A car accident could happen and change everything about your appearance in a heartbeat. SO dig deep --like you said-- and be the most beautiful you from the inside. THAT lasts. Symmetry doesn't.
With Care,
One

So it looks like the happiness only wanted to last for a short period of time..
Starting to get unbearably depressed again... My goodness when is this going to end..
I'll never get rid of this am i.. im never supposed to be happy, or comfortable with who i am.. god dang, this is starting to get me pissed and upset. like im starting to grow this anger inside of me.. i just wanna know, what the HECK i did to get this way.. what did i do to deserve it.. Oh God, if i only could look like someone else
I seriously dont know what to do now...

Therapy Hun. Thats your way out. Be pissed and use it to motivate you to find a Professional Therapist. Your depression is a cue that your hurting. Tend to the pain and the issues hurt so much less. Nothing worth lasting for life will be easily attained. It takes work, but look at it as a gift you give yourself.
Wishing you the very very best,
One