Terrified of therapy

I am terrified of going back into therapy. It gives me nightmares and drives me deeper into depression. I think I need it, yet I have no confidence that it will work. I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid that I'll be forced into the hospital. And this is for good reason. My disorders, my suicide attempts, my SI, my ideations with nightmares, my panic, my isolation, etc., put me in the highest risk categories. I know I'm the kind of patient that makes a therapist's hair stand on end. And every time I was in therapy I felt that I was fighting for my freedom--like I was walking on a tightrope. I could only lie and downplay things so that I wouldn't be locked up. I always feel that a therapist is like an angry police officer that can arrest you at a whim if you say the wrong thing or don't give enough respect.

I know that I should talk to the therapist about these fears, and I have. But it only makes them more suspicious, which makes me more paranoid. Every time I have talked to a therapist about these fears, it was the last session I went to. I just couldn't take the anxiety--I'd have panic attacks about it.

I also think therapists hate me because I'm uncooperative. But it isn't intentional. I just can't tell them the truth due to my fears, nor can I share my previous treatment records for the same reason. And I refuse drugs because I feel they are poison. I try the best I can, but they talk to me like I'm intentionally trying to make things as hard as possible, like I'm trying to destroy the process.

But I've survived for years! They have no right to threaten me! I'm just trying to get help (which I pay for), but it is impossible. I am so discouraged. But therapy is like a drug for me. I need some outlet, some sort of hope. And even though it hurts me I still keep coming back.

I there anything I can do so that I don't have to fear a therapist calling the police on me? I've done everything that I know how.

WOW I just came accross your post and I'm like only a few days new on here. I dabbled in therapy a few times here and there I mean like a total of 15 visits over the last 14 years. But over time the little things like oh I feel depressed and Im gaining weight and I happen to have health insurance that covered it I would go and try an antidepressant for like a week and quit becasue I am also against drugs for many reasons myself. Just the feeling that a chemical is changing my brain was stressful enough for me to quit so I never really gave it a good chance, I really did wait til it was THE very last resort, like I have have the same boyfriend ( only my third "relationship") and Im 34 now and getting so close to someone it really brought things to my attention that I just thought was "me" and I gues reading all these positivity self help books just made me kinda accept myself the way I was. While in the meantime I have problems with dating, self image, self destructive behaviors( like drinking a bottle of wine that was supposed to be a glass or two then a few tylenol pm to "make sure" I slept good for like 12 hours cause being "awake" was just too depressing. Not knowing why I don't have many friends, I assume me asking alot of questions similar top interrogation to potentional boyfriends, cause I assume they are lying is normal. I figured I liked having the depressing alone time eventually. Like that was just my personality ya know. But I finally gave going to a psychiatrist a shot 3 weeks ago after asking my gynecologist for Celexa "just to see ya know if it made me feel better"- not that I would admit Um maybe there is something wrong. And really what it came down to was all those weird things about me, even the cutting and drinking and suicidal thoughts that eventually became embarrassing to admit to someone that I was getting so close to ( the boyfriend- who by whatever luck of mine had a "history" also so he understood and has come a long way, made me realize that well if it is hard to tell someone about it almost like have so many secrets in that very basic sense kinds told me it must need to be corrected somehow and I had tried changing my diet,, moving alot, So anyways when I finally talked to a psychiatrist without saying " um hi im suicidal" but I feel and do this this and this actually being diagnosed as borderline personality disorderwas like a huge relief and weight lifted from me. Now Im reading up all I can and finding support groups in my area because yes there are others out there like you even though it seems like these is no way in hell someone can be going through this. So yeah I gave in the meds saved up and paid $300to a psychiast so far but it was a small price to pay to have that weight lifted off me. I look at lit like hey If I was feeling sick and went to the doctors and they were like hey ydid you know you have diabetes? well you do and these are things you can do to make your situation better and healthier for yourself and even others around you that you are affecting. That was a huuge selfish part for me to admit was that I was affecting other people, even just co workers . SO just give it a try thereare alot of super cheap antidepressants to start you on and you can "baby step" at your own pace and read up and seriously at a support group " my first one was last night and it was for Bipolar and Depression it was at the very least to hear and chat with others that actually went through worse than me and can offer some "hey been there " advice. At least once you know whats going on you can finally actually do something about it. Until then you're just gonna be in that kinda mental purgatory which was hell for for me and who knows how many men I drove totally nuts ( or maybe that part was a good thing on a lighter note). Hope this helped and good luck.

What we fear Owns us. And most fears are not based on reality they are based on theory and suspicions. You are getting to the point where you have little choice but to see a T aren't you? Some people have very strong wills to try everything that they can on their own first before letting go and trusting an outside choice.
I was like that. But I finally came to a point in my life when i had tried everything I knew, and was not getting any thing back but pain and desperation. That is when I reached out. I went into T and said I don't know what they hell I'm doing anymore. I need help because I do not have any answers and I am so so tired. It was at this point that I opened up. I let it ALL OUT. It was either that or go die somewhere. And then it started to feel like I landed on a pillow. I had feared for so long that something was really wrong. Now I knew there was, but also that it was OK to admit it. There was Relief. I will never forget that sense of relief. I wasn't carrying it alone anymore.
I doubt you T thinks you are lying. I think they just know you are not being completely honest. They can only work with what you share. I hope that you don't have to go as far as I did before you commit to really co-operating with a T.
With Hope,
One

Thanks for the responses. I've been on the verge of getting back into therapy for the last couple of months. I even went to a doctor for a referral, but the clinic I was referred to was too busy and promised to put me on a waiting list and get back to me 'later' (10 weeks ago). When I told the referring doctor about the delay, he acted like he didn't care.

That really killed my motivation. I hate being rejected and ignored. It is so hard to recover from this type of feeling.

I guess I'll wing it again. I'll try to keep my expectations low so that aren't dashed so ruthlessly again.

People who make noise and insist that they need help NOW, do get priority. Therapist want to hep the people who want help. Not all clients are determined and take their Therapy really seriously. When a Doc hears you say that you are in real trouble and need help really badly, they have a duty to respond. If you are seriously determined, go to an Emergency room. There will be a Psych doc called in to asses you and you may be able to get a referral through them. Be your own advocate and do not give up. You deserve help!
With Hope,
One